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So yeah. He approached my wife last week at her work and tried to talk to her for the first time since the week after d day, about 4½ months ago. She told me about it. He showed up where she works, walked up behind her and cleared his throat. Thought he was being cute.

*Ahem*

She turns around, sees it's him, and immediately says "Leave me alone. I don't want you to talk to me ever again."

He looked surprised and said "Why?" (Why? Are you fucking kidding me??)

"Because I messed up. Bad. I love [my name] more than anything, and it almost destroyed my marriage. If you don't leave me alone I'm going to management and I'll file for harassment with HR." (They work for the same company, but not the same location)

Short, not so sweet, and straight to the point. I guess he looked stunned, saw she was serious, then walked away. She hasn't seen him since. I think he thought he was going to charm his way back in, but she shut that shit down. I believe her. She didn't have to tell me anything at all. I'd have never known. She kind of couldn't wait to tell me about it, but was nervous at the same time because she knew it would bother me. She told me anyway tho, as a show of good faith and contrition. She's right, it did bother me, but I'm glad she told me about it. Like I said, she didn't have to, but she did.

She's very conflict avoidant and has trouble sticking up for herself sometimes. For her to tell him to leave her alone and threaten to go to HR is a really big step for her. She said it felt good. She said the look on his face was a mixture of surprise, fear, and hurt. Good. I hope it did hurt him. He's a single guy and a pos. I know it takes 2 to tango, but he pursued her knowing she was married from the start.

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:54 PM, Sunday, August 31st]

A big step in the right direction. Hope it helps you to reconcile.

A big step in the right direction. Hope it helps you to reconcile.

It does. Her eagerness to tell me, despite her nervousness about my reaction to it, is very helpful. I feel more confident in her sincerity and that she's truly contrite. She really wanted me to know what happened and couldn't wait to tell me how well she handled it. Her actions and words for the last few months are everything I could hope for in a truly remorseful WS who really wants to R.

I let her know I wasn't thrilled that he seemed to think he was entitled to her attention, but thanked her for being honest, letting me know about it, and told her she did and said the right things.

"Thank you so much, honey. And I'm going to continue to prove to you how much I love you and am committed to you for as long as you'll allow me to. Hopefully for the rest of our lives. I'm genuinely grateful you've given me this opportunity." That was said through some tears and accompanied by a very tight, long, and lingering hug.

[This message edited by Pogre at 5:42 PM, Sunday, August 31st]

Some people are just unbelievable. My wife's AP was informed early on that if he makes any attempt to communicate with her, even a simple hello in passing, my wife will go to HR and file a formal complaint and demand that HR send the complaint to his commanding officer. He is a police officer and was assigned to work at the school but has since been reassigned

I communicate with his wife on a somewhat regular basis and recently reiterated that if he makes any attempt to communicate with my wife what will happen. His wife knows this will end his career. She said he understands and will never attempt to do so but the man has had at least three affairs so his character is dubious at best

My wife understands that if she utters even a simple hello to him if by chance their paths cross I am filing for divorce. I set the boundary I set the consequences and it's up to her. Now, would I know if they started talking? Probably not. I'm sure both have learned how to better hide things

Fantastic sign. Many waywards think its rude not to be "nice" to their AP’s, never mind it’s devestating effect on you. That your wife told him to shove it and then told you about it is just about best case scenario for a piece of trust to be rebuilt.

Best wishes.

Fantastic sign. Many waywards think its rude not to be "nice" to their AP’s, never mind it’s devestating effect on you. That your wife told him to shove it and then told you about it is just about best case scenario for a piece of trust to be rebuilt.

Best wishes.

I agree it's a fantastic sign, and it's just one of many that she's been demonstrating over the last few months. As far as any hesitance about being nice goes, she despises him now. I firmly believe her that if she wasn't at work she'd have vehemently told him to fuck off. She takes full responsibility for her choices and actions, but harbors a great deal of loathing and resentment toward him for his part in pursuing her at all, knowing she was married. She thinks he's a piece of trash now. Which I'm perfectly fine with.

I feel it also must help you that she volunteered that information to you without you having to discover it yourself. It shows her doing what she can control to show you she has your back. She could have not said anything. Instead, she showed up for you with respect for you and your relationship in several ways. It is indeed a good sign.

This is positive but...

but harbors a great deal of loathing and resentment toward him for his part in pursuing her at all, knowing she was married. She thinks he's a piece of trash now. Which I'm perfectly fine with.

Friend – at the end of the day your wife cant prevent men hitting on her or trying to flirt or whatever. What she has control over is how she responds to these things. All along his pursuit she had the opportunity to shrug him off, but she didn’t.
I think this is important because part of recovery and reconciling is accepting total accountability for her decisions. If she is allowed to hide behind him having aggressively pursued her and she had no option (actually – that’s borderline rape...) or hide behind calling this a "mistake", then what happens when the next man pursues her relentlessly?

Your wife, same as mine, had opportunity to say "I am married and have no interest in inappropriate conversation. Stop now or I will talk with HR."

The truth is: our wives wanted the banter, the innuendos, the sexual tension, the excitement of their dirty little secret. Your wife is just as guilty as him.

It's great that she shut him down. Now she needs to talk with HR and have HR contact the guy and inform him there SHALL BE ZERO CONTACT.

Friend – at the end of the day your wife cant prevent men hitting on her or trying to flirt or whatever. What she has control over is how she responds to these things. All along his pursuit she had the opportunity to shrug him off, but she didn’t.

Agree 100%, and it's a conversation we've had (still have occasionally). I've not let her off the hook for that, and have pointed it out.

I think this is important because part of recovery and reconciling is accepting total accountability for her decisions. If she is allowed to hide behind him having aggressively pursued her and she had no option (actually – that’s borderline rape...) or hide behind calling this a "mistake", then what happens when the next man pursues her relentlessly?

Maybe I didn't word it well enough, but she isn't putting it on him. She knows, and I know, it wasn't "his fault" that she did what she did. I know it wasn't just a "mistake." It was a series of choices and decisions that she made and had ample opportunities to back out or shut it down. I know, and I've talked to her about it in that way, and she agrees. She tells me she knows it was her fault for letting it get to where it got. However, if she wants to hate his guts over it in the process then I'm all for it.

As far as relentless pursuit goes... she's lost a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because stress, but because she wanted to, and she knows it might make me happier. She's 5' 4" tall and had gained about 50 lbs over the last several years. She's lost about 30 of that in the last 4 ½ months or so. Just through diet and exercise. Cutting out the chips and donuts, etc. I think it's great, and she's really looking great, but boy oh boy, what a double edged sword...

[This message edited by Pogre at 9:26 PM, Tuesday, September 2nd]

I don't want to be a wet blanket, but is there any way you can independently verify this activity happened?

I think all of us BHs pray for something exactly like this to happen. This is a fantastic development, but it also has a too good to be true feel to it for me.

Is your WW someone you'd suspect of making up this kind of scenario to try and regain your trust?

I don't want to be a wet blanket, but is there any way you can independently verify this activity happened?

Actually, yes.

I think all of us BHs pray for something exactly like this to happen. This is a fantastic development, but it also has a too good to be true feel to it for me.

Is your WW someone you'd suspect of making up this kind of scenario to try and regain your trust?

I would say "no" to this, but tbh I would have also said "no" to her having an affair at one time, too...

However, there was at least one other person who was within earshot, a front end manager, and AP said something to her on his way out the door to which she replied "just leave her alone then!" My wife messaged this person later over FB messenger to ask what he said and I saw the messages. Her answer was "I don't know, he talked so low I couldn't hear what he said, but I had your back." She did hear the exchange between he and my wife, tho, and knows what happened, hence her reply to him of "leave her alone then!" when he muttered whatever it is he muttered. My wife intentionally said it loudly enough so there were witnesses that could hear her telling him to leave her alone.

If I wanted to, I could even go and ask this person what she saw/heard. I don't really KNOW her, but am familiar enough with her to be able to ask. I believe my wife. She can't tell a convincing lie to save her life. It's how I caught on as soon as I did. The PA was pretty short. I caught on within 2 weeks, and would have sooner were it not for stupid blind trust. I knew something was off. It just never entered my thought process it would be an affair until I actually drove there to find out what was going on.

[This message edited by Pogre at 1:02 PM, Wednesday, September 3rd]

Fantastic. In that case, this is a dream come true development and a very positive step toward rebuilding trust.

This is harassment and should be reported. It’s light harassment, it probably will not result in much, but it establishes a pattern in the event his harassment continues.

This is harassment and should be reported. It’s light harassment, it probably will not result in much, but it establishes a pattern in the event his harassment continues.

It's the first and only time he's tried to approach her since that first week after d day, over 4½ months ago. There was a manager present who heard her when she told him to shove off, so there's at least 1 witness to that. If he tries it again, she will go to hr. He's been warned. They don't work at the same location so it's very unlikely to happen again unless he goes out of his way. In which case, he'll regret it. She will report him.