Family loyalty vs betrayal

I’d really appreciate some perspective on this situation.

Years ago, my spouse had a one-night stand and kept it secret. Some time later, I had my own affair (I’m not proud of it). Eventually, my spouse confessed hers—years after it happened—and shortly after that, I confessed mine. Since then we’ve been trying to repair things for close to two years: therapy, hard conversations, the whole grind.

One night we had a bad argument while out drinking with mutual friends. My spouse left and went to her sister and brother-in-law’s house to "get away", where they were hosting a weekend get-together with several people. One of the guests was a close friend of theirs (the other man). I had only met him once in passing, but he’s tight with them socially and my brother-in-law also works with him.

Important context: during an earlier night out connected to her sister’s crowd, my spouse had already started confiding in this guy about our marriage and about my affair. Her sister was also going through an affair her husband had and she was out looking for her husband's AP. She was accompanied by a long time friend and the other guy. My wife wanted to go to make sure her sister doesn't "do anything stupid". The four of them went bar to bar looking for this girl and while doing this, my wife apparently had several conversations with this guy and told him all about our marriage problems. He then told her about how he was cheated in in his past. So he knew our situation and how raw things were.

On the night of the argument, my spouse was in a very low place emotionally and highly intoxicated—she’d thrown up that night after getting having more shots once she got to her sister's. The AP was there but she said she didn't talk to him much while at the house. Once everyone had left and those who stayed were going to sleep, she felt she needed to talk about our relationship and what she was emotionally upset about. She texted him because she "needed someone to talk to" and most likely because she felt sage sharing our intimate marriage details with him after her first previous with him. Instead of responding like a true friend of the family—"You’re married, you’re drunk, sleep it off, go home"—he came and picked her up. He took her to his house, put her in his bed, laid partly on her leg, rubbed her hand while talking… and steered the situation toward sex. He knew she was married, he knew she was vulnerable and drunk, he knew the damage already in play—and he chose to be an opportunist anyway.

What’s tearing me up now is my spouse’s sister and brother-in-law have stayed close with him. They socialize with him and my brother-in-law still works with him. They know what happened, what their friend did by taking advantage if my wife, and how it wrecked me, yet they’ve chosen to keep him in their circle.

If you were in my shoes, how would you feel about the sister and brother-in-law keeping that friendship? Would you see it as a breach of loyalty to you and your marriage? Would you set distance or boundaries with them (and if so, which ones)? What would you do about family events where he might be around? I’m trying to figure out what a healthy, self-respecting response looks like here.

19 comments posted: Thursday, September 4th, 2025