AP Approached My Wife
So yeah. He approached my wife last week at her work and tried to talk to her for the first time since the week after d day, about 4½ months ago. She told me about it. He showed up where she works, walked up behind her and cleared his throat. Thought he was being cute.
*Ahem*
She turns around, sees it's him, and immediately says "Leave me alone. I don't want you to talk to me ever again."
He looked surprised and said "Why?" (Why? Are you fucking kidding me??)
"Because I messed up. Bad. I love [my name] more than anything, and it almost destroyed my marriage. If you don't leave me alone I'm going to management and I'll file for harassment with HR." (They work for the same company, but not the same location)
Short, not so sweet, and straight to the point. I guess he looked stunned, saw she was serious, then walked away. She hasn't seen him since. I think he thought he was going to charm his way back in, but she shut that shit down. I believe her. She didn't have to tell me anything at all. I'd have never known. She kind of couldn't wait to tell me about it, but was nervous at the same time because she knew it would bother me. She told me anyway tho, as a show of good faith and contrition. She's right, it did bother me, but I'm glad she told me about it. Like I said, she didn't have to, but she did.
She's very conflict avoidant and has trouble sticking up for herself sometimes. For her to tell him to leave her alone and threaten to go to HR is a really big step for her. She said it felt good. She said the look on his face was a mixture of surprise, fear, and hurt. Good. I hope it did hurt him. He's a single guy and a pos. I know it takes 2 to tango, but he pursued her knowing she was married from the start.
5 comments posted: Sunday, August 31st, 2025
Wife Had A Seizure
My wife has epilepsy, and it's a very touchy sore spot for her. When she was 4 months old her mother left her on a bed and left the room for a minute. Next thing she knew, my wife was on the floor and not responding. Long story short, she suffered a brain injury and had constant seizures throughout her childhood. Some Dr's predicted that she might not be much more than a vegetable at one point. Well, time passed, medicine improved, and she snapped out of it. She graduated high school, eventually met a devilishly handsome man, got married, and had a son. She had even stopped taking anti seizure meds and went seizure free for over 20 years before they started rearing their ugly head again about 20 years ago. She was put back on anti seizure meds, and they happen in frequency now anywhere from a few months to over a year in between.
Her last one was in October of last year. At that point her dr added a second anti seizure medication to her twice daily routine and she's had it under control for the last 10 or 11 months. We were of course hoping that'd be the end of it. Well, yesterday she had another one while we were out and about. A very mild one where she just blanked out for about 20 or 30 seconds and became unresponsive. It was mild, but it's still scary. When it happens I get a glimpse of what it might be like to lose her, and it's terrifying. I of course am planning to tell her Dr, but she wants to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. She doesn't want to be subjected to tests again.
She's angry. She's angry at her mother for leaving her unattended, and she's sad and angry that she has this condition at all. She's angry that she's been driving restricted for the last ten months. She's angry at me because I'm not willing to sweep it under the rug and hide it from her Dr. She cries from time to time about it and says "I shouldn't have to live this way." Well, I feel terrible, and I'm sorry, but you do live this way, and hiding an episode from your Dr is not something I'm going to be on board with. I wouldn't be surprised if the added stress of her A 4½ months ago has played a hand in this most recent episode. We're working hard on R, and have made phenomenal progress, but I'm afraid this could be a setback.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this post. To vent? Maybe to have some folks tell me I'm in the right for wanting to tell her Dr about it, I suppose? This is a really sore spot for her, and she has a lot of unresolved anger about it because it's a condition that was thrust upon her due to a careless mistake made by her own mother. She's very close to her mother, and never says anything to her about it, but boy do I hear it sometimes. I think we're going to look into some counseling for her to help her learn to deal with this.
6 comments posted: Saturday, August 30th, 2025
So I Started Therapy
I've had 2 thirty minute sessions now, and I'm realizing that 30 minutes is a very short piece of time to try and work through something like this. Our insurance covers 8 sessions per rolling year. I'm not really sure what I'm going to get from 8 thirty minute sessions.
A couple of notes about my counselor, he seems like a great guy, but I don't know, and I keep forgetting to ask, if he even specializes in trauma therapy. When I filled out the intake paperwork I did request that. He works mostly with younger people, and doesn't do EMDR therapy, which I asked about right off the bat.
He's very understanding, and when I brought up that we had some troubles in our marriage he was very quick to tell me not to blame myself, so he scored some points with me right off the bat with that there. I wasnt trying to take any blame, but in the interest of transparency and honesty I felt it important to put that out there.
He's given me some mental exercises to help with the mental images and mind movies, and it's hit or miss on efficacy. He also told me to write it out. My feelings about it, etc. Not knowing I've already been writing about it a lot between here and other sites. That has helped, btw, thank you all for being here for me and others in my shoes. This place has been invaluable in helping me cope with it all.
I just... I dunno. I'm not sure how productive these sessions are going to be. I feel like after 2 of them we've barely scratched the surface. I'd already been diagnosed with major depression and ptsd before I discovered the A. I feel like I probably need at least a year's worth of therapy to work on other issues as well, but obviously this immediate situation is what I want to focus on. We don't have a lot of money to pay for extended therapy. I know these things can't really be rushed, but is there some way for me to maximize the remaining 6 thirty minute sessions I have left?
4 comments posted: Wednesday, August 27th, 2025
Anniversary Today 7½ Weeks From D Day
Dropped her off at work in tears this morning after she wished me... us a happy anniversary and I was less than thrilled about it. I feel like shit.
58 comments posted: Friday, June 6th, 2025
Found Out A Little Too Much
D day was about 6 weeks ago, going on 7 now. I was talking to my WW about some of the details of the affair, and was asking questions. Questions that would have answers that fall inside my limits of what I'd want to know, and she blurted out a detail that I did not ask about or want to hear, and now it's all I can think about. I have this mental image/movie in my head and it won't go away. It's affecting my sleep and my mood.
I'm trying not to dwell on it or bring it up, but I can't help it. It's like pure torture. I feel like d day just happened all over again. I keep wanting to shove it in my wife's face and really drive home the pain this is causing me, but I don't want to keep beating the same horse over and over. I've made it abundantly clear that I didn't want to hear that, but if I keep harping on it, it's just going to be counter productive.
Her take is "you wanted honesty, and I'm being honest with you." Yeah, sure, but there's a difference between being honest and bludgeoning someone with the truth, ffs. If you've seen my other threads you know my wife has epilepsy and a mild learning disability caused by head trauma, has some trouble with empathy, and sometimes lacks a filter. I know she didn't do it to be cruel, but goddamnit man. If I keep it up it she might just withdraw, not feel safe telling me things and set back the progress she's made.
I just want these images and thoughts to go away. I've tried different grounding techniques and nothing works. I just wish this nightmare would end. I really do want to work this out, and she does as well. She's putting in the work and really doing a lot of the right things, which is an accomplishment for her. She's been very conscientious and considerate in ways she never has before. Her goal is to be a better wife in every way she can, and she's made that very clear to me. She really is trying hard, but she really did a number on me. On us. I feel like I'm losing my freaking mind over here.
28 comments posted: Sunday, June 1st, 2025
Triggers
I'm reading the excellent post titled "Things that every WS needs to know" in the WS section and am going to have my WW read it as well when she gets home from work.
I just got to the triggers section. I do have many of them, but one in particular is a difficult situation. I'll start by saying my wife has intentionally been avoiding this trigger for the past several weeks (d day was about 6 weeks ago), and while I appreciate it, it's something we're going to have to deal with sooner or later. On d day my wife was supposed to be spending the night at her best friend's house whose husband is wheelchair bound. Her friend had had just gotten out of the hospital, and "needed some help" with general household stuff, cooking dinner, etc,hence my wife "staying the night there" to help her out. She lives just a couple of miles away.
My wife is driving restricted right now due to having a seizure last October, so I've been doing all of the driving. She has epilepsy, but it's mostly under control with meds. I dropped her off at her friend's place, she hung out for about an hour, then met up with her AP to spend the night with him. He lives fairly close to her friend's house so she actually just walked there. She wasn't answering my texts or phone calls, so long story short, I drove to her friend's house to see what was up, got the truth from her friend about where she was, drove there and confronted her. That was officially d day.
This is her best friend, and it's been pretty routine for a few years for my WW to hang out with her, at her place, for a couple of hours in the evenings, a couple of days a week, then come home in time for dinner. Obviously I'm having issues with her going there at all anymore, and she knows this. It was quite a kick in the balls to realize that I GAVE HER A RIDE TO HAVE A PA WITH HER AP!! She has however, stopped going there to visit, and she hasn't complained or tried to make me feel bad about it. On her own, she just stopped asking to go there, which is a great relief for me. This is her best friend, tho, and I'm dreading the day when she asks to go there again. Like I said, she's been avoiding even bringing it up for my sake, but it is her best friend. Am I wrong for feeling guilty that she's cut off her visits? Am I wrong for not wanting her to go there? What do I say if or when she brings it up and wants to see her friend again? I already know it's going to drive me up the wall. I don't know them very well, so me going with her would be awkward and weird. I'd basically be just inviting myself if I did.
The affair was short lived, and she wasn't meeting up with her AP from her friend's place this entire time. The messages and communication between my WW and AP only started at the beginning of March, and the PA had only been happening for 2 weeks in April before I discovered it. It was just happenstance that he lived within walking distance of her friend's place. Her friend knew what she was doing, tho, and she knew my WW was using her as a cover story. She did try to cover for my WW at first when I went there, but she did end up coming clean to me. Told me who it was and where he lived. I dunno man. I think it'd be better for me if she just ended the friendship altogether, but they've been friends for several years and really are besties. I appreciate that my WW has volunteered to stop going there, but I know she misses her bestie. It's a huge trigger for me tho. It's a weird situation.
28 comments posted: Saturday, May 24th, 2025
D-Day Was About 4 Weeks Ago...
My wife and I will be married for 27 years this coming June. I found out she had an affair with a co worker a few weeks ago. It had been going on for a couple of weeks before I caught her. I haven't talked to anyone about it, and have been carrying this huge burden for the past few weeks by myself, so this might be a lengthy post. Before I get into it, there are some unique circumstances that are factors in how I've been handling my wife and the affair. We're currently still together and living together.
My wife suffered a severe head injury when she was a baby. This has left her with epilepsy (mostly under control with meds) and a very mild learning disability. She has always had difficulty with empathy, processing consequences, and abstract thinking. This is important because it presents some challenges and also explains some of her behavior leading to, after I found out about the affair, and her current attitude and remorse right now. It took more time than it should have for her to understand the gravity of the situation.
I do have hope that we can salvage our marriage, am convinced she wants to also, and that she's committed to never letting this happen again. She's taken full responsibility for her part, no longer blames me, and has spent a lot of time and effort trying to make up for it and convince me that she deeply regrets what happened. I know she still loves me, and I still love her, but I'm suffering a lot of trauma right now. I'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts and images, and keep reliving d-day over and over.
First, my part in this. I had a mental breakdown several years ago. I withdrew from everyone, including my wife and son who is 26 years old and on his own now. I started taking an SSRI, which helped with my anxiety, but also made me very emotionally flat and disconnected. It also completely killed my sex drive. We had a loveless, sexless marriage for several years with no intimacy whatsoever. I pushed everyone away, fell into a deep depression, and stopped taking care of myself. She didn't have a husband. This went on for many years. Many marriages would have ended at that point, but she stuck it out with me. I'll always be grateful for that. All that said, I know, and she knows it's no excuse for Infidelity. I'm not allowing her to use it as a get out of jail free card, and she's not trying to. What she did was unforgivable and she knows and agrees with that.
When I discovered it, her actions that night were pretty devastating. I don't know how much detail I should go into. Her actions and words that night were downright cruel, but her actions and words are a complete 180 now that she's had time to process it all, and the challenges navigating her disability have made this very unique, difficult, and complicated. I suppose I'll start with where we are now.
She's showing genuine remorse and guilt over it. Crying a lot and asking forgiveness. Apologizing over and over. Accepting full responsibility. She's allowed me access to all of her devices and messages. She knows I know her pass code and she hasn't changed it. She leaves her tablet out in the open and isn't trying to hide anything anymore. At least to my knowledge, but I'm pretty convinced. Her disability makes her a pretty terrible liar, and she's pretty bad at deception. Otherwise I might not have discovered the affair to begin with. I knew something wasn't right almost immediately. She sent a no contact message to her AP and showed it to me. She's blocked his number and profile on her phone and socials. She now refers to him as a "dirtbag."
Oddly, despite it all, our intimacy and relationship has been rekindled. Well, that's not quite right. Something new has been kindled. Once we got past that first couple of weeks of grief, arguing and fighting, my first steps toward divorce, and in between my bouts of reliving d-day and intrusive thoughts, we're closer and more open than we have ever been. We're getting intimate daily now, after several years of no intimacy at all. We're spending a lot of time just talking. In ways we never did before. 5 hour long conversations with no distractions. No tv, no devices, just the 2 of us lying on the couch together. She's being very patient with me. Listening to me. Accepting my anger and grief and answering my many questions. She doesn't blame me or the marriage at all, despite the fact that it has been a rocky marriage and my breakdown. She appears to be very transparent now, tho she wasn't at first.
There's so much more to this complicated story, but this post is already getting pretty long. There are some pretty negative things that have happened since I discovered the affair, and a TON of red flags, but she's since admitted to a lot, and has put a lot of effort into being very transparent now and trying to make amends. She's saying and doing a lot of the right things right now. I'm obviously still very devastated, tho, having some major trust issues, PTSD-like symptoms, and wrestling with what to do and where to go next. 27 years is a long time and this has never happened before. I've told almost no one, and at that, I haven't told anyone everything, so I've been bearing this by myself for weeks now, so it's nice to have an outlet.
I'm open to advice and answering questions. I know... I KNOW everyone says this, I know they do, but we do have a very unique situation, and I believe we're going to be an exception to the general rule. I know for a fact that she does deeply regret this, and that she still deeply loves me. I did hurt her. I recognize that, and take ownership for it. I've apologized and made drastic changes. Like I said tho, I'm not allowing her to lean on that or use it as an excuse for having an affair. She accepts that, and is not using it as an excuse. She acknowledges it's no excuse. She acknowledges that she messed up badly and wishes she could take it back.
30 comments posted: Thursday, May 22nd, 2025
