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Does anyone else get stuck in negative thoughts about their WH and AP? I have some good days where I feel positive and like I can move forward, to be excited for my new future. (D Day was June 6.) But then I have other days where I can’t stop thinking about how he got out of bed with me, got up early to "go to a meeting" but called his AP instead and talked on the phone with her for half an hour (I know this via phone records). Also He called he AP first (before me) after he was in a bad car accident. When I found out about his affair and confronted him, he later said to me that his AP "was devastated"!!! Are you kidding me? Like a give a flying f$&@ how SHE feels!! No remorse from H. Ouch. When did this woman come between the bond that my husband and I had?! The betrayal is painful. Crushing. Btw he is not living with me now and we are getting a divorce.

To be expected. I am about 17 months out from d-day and I still have those thoughts. How could my wife risk our 27 year relationship sexting with a co-worker who is married! WTH was she thinking? How was the dopamine rush worth potentially destroying two marriages? How could she risk two families splitting up and forcing kids to split their time between parents? Where the hell did her sense of morality disappear to?

I don't know if/when these thoughts will ever stop flooding into my head :/

Sorry wb1340
I feel for you. I’m married 27 years as well. The wayward spouses are just so selfish and entitled. It is so hurtful to be on the other end.

Lotus, you are still in the very early days yet. Your last discovery would reset your healing clock back to zero. Yes, it is painful and it will be painful for longer than you want. With time and healing, you will feel better but it isn't going to happen overnight.

What you're feeling is normal for somebody who has experienced betrayal trauma. Yes, it's normal to get into negative thinking patterns. There is an article in the Healing Library about mind movies and how to get rid of them. It may also help you from thinking the negative thought patterns. Other SI members have added tips that helped them through this time.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/how-to-stop-mind-movies/

You're not necessarily stuck, you're probably still reeling from the trauma.

I did in the past. The thing I learned in my case is my exwh does not think like me so to him this sort of thing was who he is. Other people’s wayward spouses maybe less so.

I am a fair bit away from my last DD and EXWH’s brutal discard and I rarely think of him. I just will never understand why he did what he did because I am things he is not like loyal and faithful so cheating is not congruent and I don’t understand the whys.

I am in the plane behind lethal flatness with the man. I am in oh no never would I ever again. As in if he was the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth then celibacy it is 😂

Time did seem to heal. As did seeing full on who he actually was. And what he was capable of doing.

I wish you much peace and healing. There is a far better future out there than active unrepentant infidelity and I have found that the farther I get from it the more I don’t pine for what was or think about it much at all.

In the beginning it took up lots of energy and space in my head. In retrospect I regret giving him or it a second thought.

Lotus, I don't know how you can avoid these thoughts this early on. It's the biggest and probably the worst thing, that's happened in your life. Many people say it's worse than finding out they have cancer (yes, I've seen that). Actually, now that I think back, I think it WAS worse than finding out I had cancer. I tend to try to let go of pain as quickly as I can because well, I don't want to live in the Pain Warehouse where the deals never end. I think what you're going through is very normal, and common, and part of the processing process. It takes time for something to even seem real, like it doesn't just exist in the abstract or in our heads, but in the real world, going into the future. It's a great shock to have the floor kicked out from under you, how can it not be. Be kind to yourself and don't demand too much of yourself at this point. Recognize that your husband did a terrible thing - he really did. Looking at him dwelling on the AP and her knowing before YOU DID of a bad accident - that shows your relative priorities in his life. There's no way of coming back from that, IMO. It's hard to acknowledge that for him, you became Plan B. BUT....you don't have to accept that, you're not, you're stopping this, setting your limits, reclaiming your power, and forging forward. You have courage and strength. I would recommend at this point that you work on distracting yourself at least until you don't feel as raw. These probably are things you will think about to try to understand at some point in the future, but right now I think it's better to minimize the pain by distracting yourself with something else immediately. It's the only way to break the rumination. I might pound my fist on the table, but it has to be something immediate to break that train. TV shows, exercise, a hobby, talking to a friend (as long as it's not about that topic). You just don't want to get stuck in ruminating at this point because it doesn't help and it's gonna drag your mood down and make you feel bad about yourself. Don't feel bad about yourself. He's a jerk.

Huggs ((((Lotus)))). Something that worked for me when I was there was replacing those thoughts with wonderful memories of something else.
Every time I felt myself going down the path of dwelling on something he'd done, I call back that wonderful memory.

For me it was a memory totally unrelated to our marriage or relationships of any kind. It was a memory of summer camp. I had a horrible home life growing up, and going to camp was an escape from that, and where I felt safe. l eventually was on staff there for 10 years. I remember one beautiful summer afternoon I walked across a field to the entrance to the camp and sat down in the grass gazing at the view of the farm fields beyond the gate and cows in the distance. I remember the smell of the grass, the calls of the redwing blackbirds, the warmth of the sun, and the soft breeze. I felt completely safe and happy.

I practiced replacing the ugly thoughts of betrayal with that image. I eventually was able to conjure up that safe place within seconds of being triggered. It didn't change my situation, but it helped me get my sanity back.

Huggs ((((Lotus)))). Something that worked for me when I was there was replacing those thoughts with wonderful memories of something else.
Every time I felt myself going down the path of dwelling on something he'd done, I call back that wonderful memory.

For me it was a memory totally unrelated to our marriage or relationships of any kind. It was a memory of summer camp. I had a horrible home life growing up, and going to camp was an escape from that, and where I felt safe. l eventually was on staff there for 10 years. I remember one beautiful summer afternoon I walked across a field to the entrance to the camp and sat down in the grass gazing at the view of the farm fields beyond the gate and cows in the distance. I remember the smell of the grass, the calls of the redwing blackbirds, the warmth of the sun, and the soft breeze. I felt completely safe and happy.

I practiced replacing the ugly thoughts of betrayal with that image. I eventually was able to conjure up that safe place within seconds of being triggered. It didn't change my situation, but it helped me get my sanity back.

Sorry. Double post.

[This message edited by Charity411 at 9:50 PM, Friday, August 29th]

What helped me more than anything was putting a plan together that protected me both emotionally and financially.

Right after dday2 he was begging to R but I just couldn’t do it. But to shut him up I demanded a post nup figuring he would refuse and he’d stop badgering me. I was shocked he willingly signed it (and it was written in my favor).

Once I knew I had some financial protection I was able to concentrate on other things. It took me 3 years to get off the roller coaster I had myself on.

So…..,please be patient. Especially with yourself. Look for small pleasures or positives early on.

I used to reward myself with something if I didn’t look at the OW’s social media after dday2. Hard habit to break initially. And then I realized she wasn’t the one I had to worry about - it was him!

It's happening more infrequently now, but I still get stuck in a loop of mental images and memories of d day, both real and imagined, and it's really hard.

I'm in therapy now, and one suggestion from my counselor when I'm having those images in my mind is to picture them in black and white. Turn the images black and white, then zoom out on them until they become very small. Then put them into a chest, lock it up and toss it into the ocean. Or in my case, being a fan of astronomy and physics, a black hole. That's far more permanent.

I guess that helps sometimes. It's at least an exercise that distracts from the contents of the actual imagery.