SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Does anyone else feel angry for not trusting themselves and what their gut was telling them about their wayward partner?

I knew my husband was capable of cheating...I'd seen him cheat on his ex before we got together (we worked together), but knew they had a complicated on/off relationship.

I knew he had the potential to cheat on me. We both worked together in a job where cheating was rife. I never trusted him to go away on his own, stay overnight with work etc. However, his job meant he worked nights, lates etc and I had no way of knowing whether he was genuinely working the hours he said.

We were so in love though and with 5 years were married with twins and a baby on the way.

It was great until it wasn't.

I remember he being distant and cold after I had my third baby. I caught him watching porn channels and liking pictures online.

I actually remember having an epiphany one day and thinking 'he only cares about sex, all men do, no man really loves a woman'.

I was right...about him at the time.

As time went on I tried to bridge the gap between us...I had a boob job, sent him pics, spiced things up in the bedroom.

I remember being scared when I then left our mutual job as I wouldn't be able to find out if he was cheating on me with any younger colleagues.

I asked him if he was cheating on me.

Then time passed. I found my confidence in education and I stopped worrying about him cheating. I actually started fancying other guys myself who were smart and intellectual and would tell him if I ever left him it would be for a conversation!

Then he started to become a better man. He started taking an interest in the kids school lives, started sharing the mental load. And over the years the question 'are you cheating on me?' changed to 'have you ever cheated on me?'.

He would look me in the eye and say 'i swear I've never cheated on you, you are the mother of my children, I would never disrespect you like that'.

I started to believe him and stopped asking. Then, in January, after 20 years together his old friend's wife texts me to say they had an affair. I find out it started when I was pregnant with my third 15 years ago and went on for 2 years and involved sex after night shifts and sexting at work.

I was blindsided.

Not because he cheated, I knew he was capable. But because he kept it secret for so long. That it went on for so long. That I never in a million years suspected his mates pregnant wife would be his AP especially as she was as she was, in the kindest way possible, double my size and not the brightest or prettiest..why on earth we he choose that??!!

So, I guess my long ramble is just me expressing my anger and disappointment for not seeing him as the waster of a man he was back then. I should have trusted my gut. I should have waited before rushing into having kids with him. I should have stopped being a mum to a man child. I should have shown him the door.

He is not that man child anymore. Somewhere along the way he grew up but at my expense. And I'm not that same girl who would let a man treat her like that.

I guess I realise that in order to forgive him, I also have to forgive myself.

Did anyone else have to work on forgiving themselves?

Did anyone else have to work on forgiving themselves?

Yes.

I think most of us do.

I know I punished myself quite a bit at first for missing all of the clear and obvious signs in the moment.

Weirdly, I had to learn to trust myself and my judgement again before I found a way to forgive myself.

My IC pointed out that in a good relationship, we’re supposed to see the good in our partners. And I agree — now.

He would look me in the eye and say 'i swear I've never cheated on you, you are the mother of my children, I would never disrespect you like that'.

Wow. It still astonishes me how exacting and similar behavior is for spouses who cheat, and the lines they use.

My wife’s AP was a family friend, we had meals with them, watched each other’s kids, he was a coworker, etc. He was five years older than me, seven years older than my wife and tried to front as everyone’s big brother before it all went sideways. Anyway, there was an unscheduled visit, I nearly caught them and it got explained away as he was returning something. It was way off to me, so I asked my wife directly a couple days later if something was going on.

She looked me straight in the eye and asked me, "Do you think AP loves his family?" I said I think he does, and then she said, "Do you think he would ever do anything to ruin that?" And then added, "Neither would I."

Crazy how well the lie was delivered. But then again, I wanted it to be true.

Nothing wrong with us when we want to see the good in our partners.

As to the trust me part, I sure know what the lies sound like now, I know what the behavior looks like. I absolutely trust me again. My wife developed a bit of a tell, so now I can tell if knows something or has to think up something — with any issue.

As to the forgive me part, the only thing I did was love my family, to best of my ability with the best information I had in the moment.

Ain’t nothing wrong with being a caring person.

Of course, it took me a while to accept my conclusion.

When I got up this morning, nothing about my wife’s shitty choices reflect on me at all, in any way.

I could tell you that his cheating is not about you, that it is all on him, but you know that. I could tell you that you need to be easier on yourself, but you already know that, too. In hind sight, you picked a guy with a lot of problems and if the younger you had the wisdom of the current you, you would have chosen a different mate. If I knew then what I know now….man oh man I would have been a lot more successful in school, sports, in my social life, my investments, the cars I bought, etc. All I can tell you is that it is perfectly normal to look back with regret for the decisions we made when we were young and dumb. But maybe it’s time to count our blessings rather than our regrets. You chose a long shot, that’s true. But he has actually turned out to be better than you thought he was when you rolled the dice. Unless you find a flux capacitor, why not let the "what ifs" be interesting self-examination and then appreciate your strength and role in helping your guy be the person whose potential first attracted you?

It took me awhile to accept that what my wife did had absolutely nothing to do with me. As usual I thought I was a bad husband, I wasn't enough of a man for her, etc, and even though my therapist was telling me it's not you, it's her, she made the decision to do what she did and it's not your fault I just couldn't believe that my wife would do this unless I was a bad husband

After several months I finally felt like my feet were planted solidly on the ground and I could think clearly and I had realized that no matter how good a relationship is if somebody wants to cheat they are going to cheat.

In hindsight I think I enabled her to do this because I did way too much for her. I did all the little things all the big things that I believed made my wife feel special. I have been getting her car door for her 99% of the time in our 28 years together. Friends of ours have told us we are weird for doing that but I believed it made my wife feel special

Every morning I made her coffee and had it ready for to grab and go. Sometimes she would walk out to her car and find a flower on the dash or be surprised at work with a gift or one of a million other things I have done for her over the decades we've been together but now I think I did too much, she became way too content and took me for granted. There was no challenge for her in our relationship so in my mind I think I became boring to her

I was the reliable dependable trustworthy hard-working dutiful husband who did whatever it took to provide for his family and that made her feel secure but she wanted someone to make her feel sexy about herself and her boring Dependable reliable husband didn't but the married coworker who was 13 years younger than her husband and 9 years younger than her and carried a gun and a badge and a bulletproof vest could and did.

I felt like I aged 20 years when I learned about this. Everything about me felt old and boring and predictable and that took a long time to work through. The only way my wife could truly understand what it feels like would be for her to find out that I was involved with a woman 13 years younger than her. And then I can just tell my wife I wasn't happy with myself, had nothing to do with you, The Other Woman just made me feel good about myself and then my wife could sit there and think I don't make my husband feel good but another woman does. Then she would understand the hell I went through :/