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At what point would you consider yourself healed?
E.g. Doesn’t interfere with day to day life

And what are reasonable expectations for healing?
E.g. No intrusive thoughts

It’s a pretty open ended question with maybe some needed context for us to be able to address it in a personal way for you. When you are ready I hope you will feel comfortable to share your story.

Generally, there are many stages for healing. I suspect you are asking the question because you are early in this process and are in excruciating pain. Oh, how I remember those dark days. Those won’t last forever- I would say after about six months the intrusive thoughts were some better and that just continued to get better until about a year out. Everyone is different but that will subside.

The process of truly healing after that is less about the affair (though of course that remains a theme). It’s about becoming more self aware of your patterns that do not serve you and learning new coping skills. The majority of the coping skills I use today came from the teachings of Pema Chodron (I love her book "when things fall apart") ans Eckhardt Tolle ("the power of now").

And some of them came from therapy. If you can afford therapy, it a great way to start gaining self awareness.

What I mean by that is often the affair is a symptom of mismanagement of one’s life to the point an imbalance has occurred in some way. By tracing those things and working to be different, it will not only improve your life but it will help you towards the third stage of healing- finding more peace and self compassion.

I think the way I know I have healed is that I love myself enough to conduct my life in a way that creates stable happiness. And when things go wrong I have skills I have learned that reliably help me walk through that too. That all probably feels 100 miles away from you as you sit with the pain I know very well.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:34 PM, Monday, June 9th]

Is the guilt and regret still a daily battle?

It’s hard for me to look at other couples and families without feeling intense negativity right now.

I want to post my story but my BP isn’t a fan of online forums regarding this, I feel posting it without consent would be a further betrayal.

I think there are several layers of that you will potentially deal with.

Guilt- is about feeling badly for what you did.
Remorse- is having a deep understanding of the damage you inflicted.
Shame - "I am bad"

What typically makes the other two debilitating is shame. I do not know if that is true for you but it seems to be a theme with us ws in general.

And until you can see it, look at its sources and learn to change your self talk, it can last for longer.

I am not sure it’s gone away for me totally, I am 8 years out. But it isn’t something unmanageable anymore and hasn’t been for a long time. I have done what I can to change, make amends, and have a better relationship with myself in general. This has led to understanding where I was in life and how my operation system was faulty. I think it’s as good as it will probably ever be. I will always regret my affair but it’s not consuming anymore. I am happy and have found ways to be in peace far more than I have over the course of my lifetime.

HI there. BS perspective here as there is no stop sign. BUT my answer is universal for BS and WS so I'm hoping this helps you on some level.

At what point would you consider yourself healed?
E.g. Doesn’t interfere with day to day life

I have a friend that is 35 years sober. She will always say she is "in recovery" as opposed to "recovered". I kind of put it in a parallel to that. You'll see posts where I say "healed" for simplicity sake. But I think that healing from such a trauma is a one foot in front of the other type thing. There is always another step to take. And that path is seldom linear. The important thing IMHO is that you are moving forward [overall]. And each day you strive to do/be better than the next.

And what are reasonable expectations for healing?
E.g. No intrusive thoughts

Aaaahhhh....I'm going to get a bit philosophical here. The question isn't so much when do you have no intrusive thoughts. The ultimate question is when do those intrusive thoughts no longer have control over you. Because although I am years out, they still come. Not as strong anymore and not as often - but they do come. They are not so scary or debilitating anymore. Through time and lots of IC I have learned some defense mechanisms for them. I learned how to avoid going down that rabbit hole. I learned how to replace them with positive. I learned how to handle them should they arise when I am driving or in public [having an exit strategy is good]. I learned how to manage them when they hit hard out of nowhere. I learned how to redirect my thinking when they happen at 2am and I can't sleep. I learned not to let them rule me. That took years, practice and lots of IC.

Time, work, practice - that is what you need here. And patience with yourself. This is a process.

So it’s basically a full / part time job to learn to cope and manage it?

I’m only 32 and not started a family yet so this doesn’t give me much hope that I’ll have the life I wanted 🙁

Hi again there.

Your last post on this thread I read with such sorrow I had to respond again.

I won't say it is a JOB to manage your trauma. But it is your RESPONSIBILITY. Like any serious trauma, this can have lifelong effects. However, they don't have to take over your life or rule you. They do need to be managed. And that always takes work and practice.

this doesn’t give me much hope that I’ll have the life I wanted 🙁

I say this very gently - very few of us have the life we "wanted". Most of us [eventually] have the life we have worked hard to achieve. And none of us have avoided the twists/turns/bumps/mountains along the way.

I do want to point this out- the intrusive thoughts I had as a ws and the ones I had as a bs were different. I think for the ws it’s based in shame, humiliation, and sometimes a ws is referring to trying to deal with the withdrawal from the AP. I am not certain which of these you are struggling with, but those went away for me mostly after six months.

For the bs the intrusive thoughts are often more trauma based. I am not saying we don’t bring trauma on ourselves, it’s just different. We know what goes on in our head, the bs is more disillusioned of who we are and whether we can be trusted for often years later and it robs them of feelings of security that may have once relied upon.

I think it’s a good thing to know, however, that your bs will begin with a lot of triggers and trauma and grieving. If you should reconcile, you will notice that the triggers typically lessen over the years but something will come up and it will trigger this sort of response that can include intrusive thoughts. I personally think of those things as opportunities to dispel more of the trauma from your body. It’s like after effects if the event and part of the non-liner grieving and healing process.

I want to validate that what you feel now is overwhelming, I remember all the pain I felt and how out of hope I was as a newly discovered ws. But I also want to assure you I do not feel I have ruined my life. I feel after it’s all been said and done that I will always hate that I had an affair, but that there is still joy, contentment and peace in my heart. This was achieved by taking the terrible feelings I had in the beginning and knowing it was guidance that I needed to make some big, fundamental changes. And I kept chipping away at it, even when I felt that it was impossible and I had to accept failure is part of the processs.You are redeemable, and should you work towards earning that (regardless of the outcome of your relationship) you will reach a point that this is a lot more manageable than it is now. There is an ablility to come through this and eventually land into self compassion and deep understanding of yourself.

The skies seem so dark now, but please know if you keep going there is sunshine available to you ahead. It will start as dappled, then move towards periods where you feel the direct sunshine in spurts before returning to the shade, and the periods of shade will grow shorter over time. That is assuming you put yourself on the right course and keep walking in that direction. If you feel suicidal, please reach out and get assistance. I know I felt that way at times too early in. There are better days ahead. You just need to buckle in and figure out how you got to where you are and keep a picture of where you want to go.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:12 PM, Friday, June 13th]

So it’s basically a full / part time job to learn to cope and manage it?

I’m only 32 and not started a family yet so this doesn’t give me much hope that I’ll have the life I wanted

I agree with hiking and Chaos. I'm writing to add...

Reconciliation, Marriage, Life - they are so very similar, IMO. We all have to resolve issues every day. Right now you are dealing with issues that stem from your actions. In a while, if you do your work, normal day-to-day issues will replace the ones related to your A. If you stay M, you'll have to resolve your issues and M issues. If you don't stay M, you'll have to resolve your issues.

Every choice we make is based on our values, ethics, background ... there are just so many issues for which there is no obvious right answer. All we can do is make the best choice available - but we're human, so we're doomed to making mistakes.

You can't change the fact that you cheated, but you can put that in the past. What I wanted from my W included not letting the A ruin her life. I wanted her to stop beating herself up. I wanted her to forgive herself. I wanted her to have confidence that she had the ability to choose 'the next right thing' and to actually do one of the next right things.

An example: we have one car. For the first time in months, we both need a car at the same time tomorrow morning. There are umpteen ways of resolving that issue, but we have to discuss the solution so we get onto the same page.

My W is going through a rough time, not dissimilar to how she felt before and during her A. Unlike 15 years ago, she keeps me up to date on what she feels, she asks me to help, she actually takes in love, she says 'no' to many things other people ask of her, etc.

Healing as a WS is, IMO, another task some people (WSes) need to do to become good partners.

IDK how to describe the effect of healing. I know, for example, that my W cheated. In June of 2011, that aspect dwarfed everything else. Now I also know what she was like in college, grad school, mother, wife, friend, partner, companion in adventures and boredom, etc., etc., etc.

Like most other people you're multi-dimensional. You don't see that right now, but as time rolls on, I expect you will.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:54 PM, Friday, June 13th]

So it’s basically a full / part time job to learn to cope and manage it?

I failed to respond to this part.

No, it’s a full time job to become more self aware and change the patterns that do not serve you. It’s not about learning to cope with it, it’s more learning why you did it, and start changing the patterns that brought you to that place.

Healing is about healing the you that brought you to this place, to reconcile it all with yourself and coming out a more healed, healthier version of yourself. Someone you can be proud of again, and who can have self compassion over the journey that you have been on.