Fear: A self fulfilling prophecy

WP (32M), BP (29F)

Hoping for some advice on how to pull myself through the catastrophic mess I have created.

Backstory:

Grew up in single mother household from age 6. Dad had sex change when I was 10 which turned my world upside down, as well as my mums. Also had undiagnosed autism until 26. Was kept from seeing my dad for a few years and had to maintain the secret to avoid getting bullied. During teen years I got addicted to online games such as RuneScape and World of Warcraft. Didnt engage with post school education and struggled to find work so started to fall behind my peers in terms of life progression. Then spent rest of my life trying to ‘catch up’ and pursue external milestones to feel successful. Emotions were rarely given space at home and I was frequently caught up in Mum vs. Dad bitterness. Dad also indoctrinated me with the idea that relationships and kids were financially risky as he still believes my mum took all his money during the divorce.

During my 20’s I struggled for an identity and attached myself to changing external achievements and usually did things based on outcome not enjoyment. Also developed habit for daily masturbation and occasional casual sex, no relationships. Had first serious relationship at 26 which lasted around 18 months and I was back dating within a week.

Current relationship:

At time of affair starting we had been dating and living together for 18 months, moved in together within two months as I bought a house and hers was being renovated. We settled into living together before having a proper ‘dating’ period and so the relationship became monotonous fairy quickly. I was studying for professional exams during this time which restricted me from going out as much. Early on I felt that when we did go out or on a trip that I wasn’t intellectually engaged most of the time and over time I grew to desire more of that.

As differences in values around money, miscommunications and resentments built we started to drift apart. Up to this point we had both been honest about any messages or advances from opposite sex.

We had our first overseas holiday in Jan 2024 to Thailand for 3 weeks which was stressful but enjoyable. It did harbour some resentment for myself as we had a lot of disagreements and arguments. Our conflict resolution had always been poor and left me feeling drained. For her it was ‘normal’.

Another incident happened in March 2024 which felt like a betrayal to me from her. After this I started spiralling into masturbation, thoughts of sleeping with others and occasionally browsing on dating apps (no messaging). I’d told myself that we weren’t compatible and further fed this idea with red pill / Mano sphere content online. I had thoughts of breaking up but put off approaching this as I had an exam approaching. In hindsight was probably fear. One of her friends had caught me on dating app, but I lied about it (first lie).

Affair:

I started speaking to someone at my gym who appeared to share similar mindset and values to myself. Also shared same passion for gym and weightlifting. They had also done similar professional exams so I felt I’d be more intellectually compatible. AP also physically represented the content I regularly masturbated too.

When BP was out of town and on holiday I met up and slept with AP twice. Then I broke up with BP and continued to see AP and slept together once more. Break up with BP was difficult as she couldn’t understand why. I naively thought it would be a one and done conversation, as that’s what happened with my last breakup. BP intuition had picked up on my shady behaviour during start of A and she questioned me but I kept lying about it, thinking I was protecting her as planned to breakup. In hindsight it was probably fear of consequence for myself.

Over next few months I was on / off communicating with both parties but more invested in AP as we trained together. She often came round but we only slept together once more, despite a lot of ‘cuddling’.

I had tried to cut her off multiple times but never held firm on my boundaries, also was naive to the fact that this was actually an affair as black and white thinking told me I was single.

As relationship with AP progressed it was clear that I still had feelings for BP and I wasn’t ready for another relationship (shock). I slowly started investing back into BP but was still sat on the fence being indecisive. BP offered ultimatums but I couldn’t face the thought of breaking up now that AP seemed unlikely. Then I realised how much I’d messed up. Took me a few months to fully come clean. BP not interested in details unless I feel I need to tell.

Aftermath:

Immediately I felt paralysed and suicidal, the level of stress made me feel like I could have a stroke or heart attack. I was so confused why this reaction was happening which is when I started researching online and realising the gravity of the situation.

The thought of losing BP on top of my sanity was overwhelming. I’ve had to be prescribed SSRI’s to try balance myself but still feel hopeless and suicidal, even months from DDay.

BP happy to ‘R’ and didnt take long to decide. Still wants to try for baby next year and progress relationship. My mental health is so unstable this feels like it shouldn’t be a thought for next year. Sex life and communication is better than before but for me the love feels different. I’m worried this is how it’ll feel for me wherever I go. I can’t stop spiralling into shame and depression everyday. BP wants me to stop talking about it and move past it, is this rug sweeping if we have already discussed it?

I’m in IC and have found a therapist who specialises in autism. Not sure what to focus the sessions on, so far have just been explaining storyline. BP doesn’t want IC yet as she feels able to deal with it herself.

The affair has exacerbated all my existing fears of abandonment, commitment and codependency and trust issues. My autism tends to get me ‘stuck in the past’ and I’ve always struggled to move on from things that are unresolvable. Ironically, I had always told myself I’d never cheat as I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the lifelong regret and guilt, yet here I am.

My autism craves routine with sleep, gym and fork but I’ve lost all of this which is making everything more difficult to deal with.

Looking for advice on where to begin healing journey and what reasonable expectations are for mental health symptoms over time.

0 comment posted: Saturday, June 14th, 2025

Starting over after failed R

Any Waywards who has to start over after failed R?

4 comments posted: Saturday, June 14th, 2025

What does being healed feel like?

At what point would you consider yourself healed?
E.g. Doesn’t interfere with day to day life

And what are reasonable expectations for healing?
E.g. No intrusive thoughts

9 comments posted: Monday, June 9th, 2025