SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Together for 22 years and married for 18. In February 2025, I learned that the infidelity was ongoing for 13 years. Seeking casual encounters at bars and transactional arrangements via seekingcom. These arrangements typically lasted 6–12 months each, with new partners after each period, and included some overnight stays.

There was a pause during the Covid pandemic, but the behavior resumed and, in the past two years, he has alternated between two partners.

We have two kids 14 and 9 years old.

I am still processing the full extent of the betrayal and its impact on my health, trust, and sense of reality. I am seeking help to understand and cope with these events.

There has been profuse apologies and we are in therapy where he was able to dismantle his rationalizations and show some really accountability but my heart is so broken I feel like I’m numb.

[This message edited by Neva9643 at 6:53 AM, Tuesday, May 13th]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Others will be along soon to comment I am sure. I can’t imagine what this revelation is like for you.

I always tell people to take exquisite care of themselves physically, mentally, spiritually and
Medically to include full panel std/sti testing from a medical provider that does this sort of thing compassionately and well. Put yourself first!

Thank you! I found out after getting an Sti. It’s taken me some courage to even share that

Welcome to SI and sorry that you're joining us. First, I'd like to recommend the posts pinned in the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that are pinned to the top. There are some other great threads that have bull's eye icons but aren't pinned, so you may need to look those up. The Healing Library has a lot of great resources, too. There may be some threads in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum you may find helpful.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful. Infidelity is trauma, so please take care of yourself. He's been having unprotected sex and has put your health at risk, so please be sure to be careful. If you're having trouble with sleep or depression/anxiety, please ask your doctor for some meds to help you through.

You may wish to see a lawyer or 3 just to see what D (divorce) would look like. Doesn't mean you need to D, but it will give you knowledge and knowledge is power.

The As (affairs) are 100% his choice to betray you, and he's lied to you for years. That is a lot to process through when it's gone on for so long. It can shake your reality and leave you with a million different emotions.

It sounds like your WH is a serial cheater, and they're notoriously bad at doing the work to change to a safe partner. Not saying he won't do the work, but it's rare.

Sorry you're here.

Why would anyone want to reconcile when an A happened for such a long time period. Maybe if your spouse was the one that came to you and confrssed instead of being discovered, did ALL the work to reconcile without ANY instigating from you (i.e. gave you a timeline and made therapy appointments without your recommendation or reminding, etc.). Again, big maybe.

And even with successful reconciliation, you would ALWAYS have doubts whenever something questionable happened. That kind of drama is just not worth it no matter how much love yoj have for your spouse. I mean, how much love could they realistically have for you if they had an affair for that long?
ETA: and the worst of the disrespect was that he couldn't even bother to wear a condom with that many women. He risked you dying from AIDS. I don't care how much I loved my ex when he cheated. NOTHING was worth that risk to my health and safety. Nothing. You will forever have to use a condom with him because you will always know that he's capable of that disrespect. Uhggg. 🤢🤮

[This message edited by StillLivin at 1:37 AM, Tuesday, May 13th]

Yes, you can reconcile it if you both want to. That doesn’t mean it will be easy or that you shouldn’t explore all outcomes, but if you both want it, it’s an option. Take your time deciding and pamper yourself. Put the future uncertainty of your marriage on the back burner. Whether you reconcile or divorce, recovering from this will be a marathon, not a sprint.

Neva, I am so very sorry you have this life thrust on you. It’s a horrible way to live.You cannot thrive in a place of emotional turmoil.
I need to be very blunt. This is who he is. This is what he does. Unless a miracle occurs I don’t see how some apologies and some therapy are going to change a lifetime of bad behavior. You are looking for a unicorn and all you have is a cheating, lying spouse.
My focus for you is to get some temp meds for anxiety and sleep. You want your body to withstand the amount of pain inflicted on it by staying healthy.

R is about the future, not the past, but ... changing from cheater to good partner is difficult at best. I would think it's even more difficult for someone with habitual cheating for over a decade.

I'd change 'R is possible if you both want it it' to 'R is possible if you both want it enough to do the necessary work.'

BSes need to process the pain - the grief, anger, fear, shame, whatever - of being betrayed out of their bodies. That's usually complicated by a need to work through a lot of resistance to letting the pain go.

WSes need to take themselves apart and put themselves back together. Short sentence; very hard work.

My reco is look deep inside to determine what you want and, if you want R, to determine how likely it will be that your WS will do the work they need to do.

At the same time, my reco is to start feeling your pain, because feeling it lets it go.

You heal you.
Your WS heals them.
Together you heal the M.

The good part is that you can heal yourself whether your WS heals themself or not.

You say 'therapy'. Is that MC or IC? MC treats your M, and your M didn't fail - your WS did. That implies he'll probably need extensive IC to heal himself.

One thread that helped me a lot at first was https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/. It allowed me to compare what my W was doing to what an 'ideal' WS who wanted R would do. I actually printed it out, removed the SI info (which printed out as header and/or footer), and asked my W to read it.

My xWS cheated the entire M also gave me STI's. You can R if he is able to do the work and you are able to move past it. I couldn't. The False R and STI's were my breaking point. I remained in limbo until I could figure out how to leave and then I finally did. Best decision I have ever made in my life. I didn't want to carry that around for the rest of my life, now it's behind me because I'm not around the perpetrator anymore.

The only thing that will change a serial cheater like your husband is reincarnation.

Leave him before he gives you another STD, depletes your bank account or runs you into serious debt by supporting his sugar babies, and your kids end up losing their share of child support to children conceived outside your marriage.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:28 PM, Tuesday, May 13th]

Thank you all. We are doing therapy together via a clinical psychologist and he will be starting individual therapy soon. Trying to get to a stage of more control and clarity for myself. I could not walk out immediately largely because I felt paralyzed because of the shock. I am still in shock but slowly coming out of it and regaining my thoughts.

I wanted to ask of people if they have recovered or reconciled from profound harm just to understand what others might have experienced and how they reacted.

I am an independent person and will totally stand up for myself and my kids. I feel numb because my heart is broken to a million pieces but my brain is working! My husband knows that.

And while he is willing to do the work, I do understand that willingness and capability are two different things. I have said the same to him.

My hope is to hear about experiences and simply how you dealt with life after profound harm. opinions are welcome as well but sharing your experiences, how you managed grief, what helped with shock would be helpful.