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My girlfriend admitted to cheating on me over the phone. I am 24 and she is 23. We were together one year. 3 months in, she moved to a new city for her new job. She went out with friends and wanted validation. She mulled it over the weekend and then called me Monday morning to admit it, in tears.

I am beyond conflicted. I have an insane amount of disgust and anger as I felt I did so much to love her, struggled with OCD related triggers to feel confident in the relationship and ultimately am left feeling as if I was more invested and carried so much of the emotional burden. I am a human and do bad things too certainly, but cheating never crosses my mind (well, it did as a trigger, but I did lots of therapy to work through it).

Of course in our arguments that I dragged out to avoid the reality, she was saying thing like our recent arguments that made her feel insecure (I do own this, but believe we could have argue in a relationship…), lack of miscommunications upset her (I can see my part), she apparently cried at night everyday, she was afraid of conflict, she was going to break up with me, I should love myself, I didn’t listen to her, I shouldn’t need her for my self worth, everything under the sun. I feel minimized and I can see some things in her statements, but does it even matter now that they’re out of context in the relationship? Was it hard to just say that or be brave and break up? My heart throbs at her words, they feel pointed and aimed to hurt me. How can someone you loved just act like this?

I am supposed to get stuff from her this Saturday but I feel highly uncomfortable. I am afraid of seeing someone and being unable to reconcile their actions with the love I gave to someone for a year. In the meanwhile I am losing sleep, focus at work, appetite, mind and heart racing as soon as I am awake. I am also trying to keep busy and be with people and not dwell (as much as my mind and mental illness allows me to).

Life feels so unreal and like a nightmare. Who was I with? Why couldn’t she even fight or plead for forgiveness? She just rolled over. And when I said "you should be begging for forgiveness", her answer was "why would I beg?" That was so hurtful. I’m confused and feel crazy and hurt and miss her all the same. But there is nothing between us. It ended the Friday she went out with her friends. And I think she lost a part of herself that night, if she even realizes that. It didn’t feel like the same person I knew when we were on the phone. I felt afraid of her.

Thanks.

I hate to say this, because I do know the pain and anguish you're going through and it's going to sound dismissive, but it's true.

You're young. You will get over this.

Your gf sounds to me like she's not a safe partner and while I know it doesnt feel like it, you're fortunate to find that out now rather than years down the road after a marriage and children are involved. Dating is like a test for future marriage partners and your gf failed this test in less than a year. I was married for 26 years before my wife decided to step outside of our relationship. I was/am devastated.

Things become a lot more complicated and much harder when you have invested decades and a child with someone. If my wife had cheated on me in the first year the decision would be pretty easy for me. My advice would be to move on, focus on yourself, and detach from her completely.

I don't mean to minimize what you're going through tho. It hurts. Bad. Betrayal trauma is real trauma and PTSD symptoms are common. What your feeling is normal.

And for the love of all that is holy, stop blaming yourself. No matter what issues there are in a relationship infidelity is never the answer, and there is absolutely no excuse for it. Never. Ever. This is not your fault. There are a hundred different ways she could have dealt with any issues that didn't involve infidelity. She could have opened up, aired grievances, or even ask for a breakup instead of betraying you. If there's any message I want you to hear it's that this is not your fault. Absolutely not. There's something broken inside her that she needs to sort out, and until she does, she'll never be a safe partner.

She needs to own what she did, and be willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to you. If she's not willing to do that, then she's not worthy of you.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. No one wants to join this club, but you found a safe space and a good group of people who understand what you're going through. That said, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it with someone who doesn't deserve you. Take care of yourself. Make sure you're eating and try to get enough sleep, tho I know that's easier said than done. You will get through this. I promise. Things will get better for you. With or without her.

Thanks Pogre, I should say she is an ex ever since she told me about what she did. My brain wants to search for answers and find control, but I could not control her. She knows there was a choice to respect me and not hurt me that night.

Even her sorry and her "I will forever regret it" feels like nonsense. I don’t think she will. I think she will bury this deep in her heart and try to remove any traces of me to avoid the thought of her own shortcomings and immaturity. I hate that. I wish there was justice for me. Though as sweet as vindication or revenge is, I cannot wait for this day or ponder it forever (it definitely feels like the only thing consuming me though…).

I cope around the thought that she lost a part of herself that night. I don’t know if it’s wrong or right, or even makes sense, maybe they’re all the same person. But I became afraid of her immediately. I had never switched on someone so quickly, it was like a stranger danger feeling.

And I think I’m still me. I can cry and I can love and I can smile. It’s hard right now sure. I wish I could see how she is. My brain will always have questions. I’ll never get the answers.

I second everything Pogre said.

Take someone with you to be a buffer Saturday when you pick up your stuff. Preferably someone level headed who can give her a look that drops the temperature below freezing if she starts up with her bullshit about how her actions are your fault.

Leave her, she chose to be worthless.

Is her issue not yours.

There is no excuse she could have broken up with you, instead she chose to cheat and gift you trauma and ptsd instead of a heartbreak.

You may want to go to therapy to heal the trauma, you mentioned it did cross your mind, so for your own good, address it in therapy.

Being betrayed is bad enough but as you leave her and forget she ever existed you will heal.

Being the cheater takes away a piece of your soul, and you will carry that shame to your grave.

Let her end her life with that burden, prevent you to ever fall in that, it will guarantee you will meet a worthy girl, one who can be a safe partner if you are a safe partner as well.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 8:48 PM, Thursday, May 7th]

I’m sorry Aespa, it’s so incredibly painful.

I echo what the others said, they really said it all. I’ll just chime in to add it’s normal to feel afraid of her. If the neighbor’s dog attacked you, the next time you saw it you’d have a fear reaction even if it was chained up and behind a fence. She hurt you, and now there’s a part of you that’s bracing for new trauma.

I don’t know if this helps you cope but I offer it in that spirit - I think you should view this as an exit affair type situation. She moved to another city, all that crap she told you about crying herself to sleep etc., and the fact that she not even trying to stay together. She just lacked the emotional maturity and decency to breakup with you properly first. Good riddance.

Once you get your things and then block her on everything. NC = no new hurts.

Can you ask her to not be there Saturday when you come get your stuff?

Can you ask her to not be there Saturday when you come get your stuff?

This is a wonderful advice.

Reframe to her immediately what is her position in your world = she doesn’t exist.

What wary said is important for this reason, I don’t know if you can read it clearly because your pain will push you to see her "one more time" hoping she will give you closure and you will feel better.

You will NOT get closure and you will feel much worse.

She will dry you out of one last hit of validation. She will poke your pain and harms you in any way she can to get one last dopamine hit from the validation of "she means so much to you that you are truly bleeding " and she will rejoice in your pain because you are poking her ego to tell her "if he hurts so much for me, I am not a dirty shitty cheater, I must be a high value woman, I am just upgrading to what I deserve, happiness ".

There is no empathy from a cheater in the dopamine high of the betrayal.

The only revenge and hit you can have is this:
Treat it like you’d treat picking up the trash and cleaning up home.

A chore, just something unpleasant to be done and forgotten, to focus on what matters in your life.

No emotions, no talking, no asking why or anything.

I am telling you this because it is to protect your emotions from further damage. But make no mistake:

This will destroy her.

Pull it off, go no contact.
Forget this person exists.

She will be replaying the moment you left without caring for her as she was a piece of furniture over and over for the next weeks, months and sometimes years.
They always do.

Her problem not yours, your problem is healing ❤️‍🩹

Mind that if you do this, she will try to contact you back in weeks or months from now.
Treat her exactly like you would treat the garbage you throw today I months after: irrelevant, ignore her.

She will not come back for guilt or shame or desire for you.
They always come back, but they come back for one thing only:

Validation.

Move on, make your life shine and get a good girl.
She will be eating her liver and rolling in the mud.

They always do

Thank you all for the responses. I’ll be having a friend when we meet and he will interact with her. Truthfully I am scared even if I don’t see her. The last image of her in my mind is beautiful and kind, and as sad as it may seem, I will hold that in my heart.

What hurts is she will move back to the city where we met in a year. It is her home city, and some job of hers says she has to stay where she is for now but then come back after a year to join. I was never tied to where I am, but there is a pain knowing she will walk the same streets as I do and maybe ride the same trains, buses, and roads. I began to actually love here because of her, but also my friends were starting to move in after college, and I am building a community. She knows everyone. They know her. That wasn’t enough in her mind. That is her loss.

Again, I thank you guys for the kindness. I’ve deleted our photos. Her image is already kind of fading in my mind. I am just tired of it all.

[This message edited by aespa at 7:15 AM, Friday, May 8th]

Friend I was there at exactly your age almost same scenario.

So what i tell you comes from a place of sympathy, been there, done that, words for words is like the me of 18 years ago speaking.

And of course she crawled back begging for a second chance and I married her few years later.

But she cheated again before the marriage.

I am telling you this like an older brother. She is not a safe partner, she has issues that will keep her unhappy and will make everyone who she meets miserable, unless she can resolve them.

And that is not a burden you want to deal with after being wounded so deeply.

I don’t want to lead your hurt emotions into a trap, so please try to read the following with clarity and keep in mind this "she is radioactive and I better cut my dick off than allow her close to me once more", deal? Ok

The kindness lovable things you saw in her are not an illusion.

She is not a monster (just broken and twisted)

You are not an idiot for loving and trusting her with honesty, this means your attachment was healthy

But she chose to cheat because her issues make her feel an unfillable void and she can only quench this feeling of worthlessness with brains chemistry like dopamine. That’s why she seeks outside validation like a junkie. The easiest and fastest way is sexual validation from other males, and there is plenty of shitty broken guys just like her, ready to use her for their own validation.

There is no love in those kind of "relationships " there is only a chemical illusion that fades fast, and reveals the same void and empty emotional desert. It’s all transactional.

That they try fixing with cheating on each other or repeating the loop.

It’s toxic,stay the fuck away.

You can’t fix her, she is the only person in the world that can heal herself and she is not there right now.

—-

That said, do you want to do a last act of "love" for this person and also for your own healing and self esteem?

Do as I said. Have no fear, show no emotion, no sadness, treat this like a chore.

Be polite, a bit playful if that’s your normal behavior, treat her like you would treat a female class mate or colleague: cordial and polite, respectful but who the fuck cares of her, she is not a woman that matters in your life, she is a colleague of yours, you are friendly but indifferent.

If you can(nd you do) this is one of the hardest smacks she will ever face and a win for you. And for her, because this will sting her ego so deeply that she might just begin the path of questioning herself so that she might realize in the future that something is really wrong with her.

That’s why I say it’s an act of love for you both.

I am not telling you not to grieve brother, you should, it’s healthy, cry it out and let your emotions out, you can do it here, it will help to be heard.

Just don’t do it in front of her. If she feels like you are already over it, she will not get dopamine validation hits (feeding from your pain, she would never admit it, but that’s what she craves now, to see you hurting and destroyed, powerless while she is in control) she will begin to sink slowly into a deeper abyss than the one she threw you in right now. And at the bottom she might find and face her ghost someday and begin healing.

What you grieve is your love, your attachment, not her, it was never two ways. You offered live and she extracted validation.

She can’t reciprocate something that she can’t offer herself.

Grieve that. Alone, afar from her eyes or share friends.

She needs to see you are blooming without her, while she is swimming in the mud with her affair partner (it usually doesn’t last very long once the excitement of the betrayal fades).

She will be stalking and asking because she’s hoping you’ll suffer. The more you suffer the more validation she’ll farm, the happier she will be for her choices of betraying you. (Common friends = you are just feeling so good is like being reborn and upgrading your life -> very important, politely avoid them when you are down, only when you are strong enough)

You have 4 billion other females to choose from. Wanna bet that you can find a wonderful one who is capable of loving herself and reciprocate yours?

Read it couple of times and try to make it yours.

I can guarantee you will feel better if you can. And she will feel like trash, but that’s just because she chose to become it.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 8:02 AM, Friday, May 8th]