SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Quick recap: I (31F, fWS) have been with my partner for 15Y, married for 3. I had an EA/PA in college that lasted for 8 months, then resumed a year later for 1 month. Started 13 years ago, ended 11 years ago. I never disclosed to my boyfriend (now husband) and lived with the extreme guilt every day until 2 months ago when I confessed. I selfishly wanted to "protect" him from the pain, which was really just protecting myself. I came to realize that lying about the past is just as cruel as the infidelity and I needed to confess.

Since I confessed, a lot has come out about BS and our relationship as well, but for now I’ll focus on my A. We decided to each tell a friend for support, then slowly other people were brought in as well, either for additional support or because of other reasons such as safety.

I fully expected severe fallout and disdain from our friends and his family. I told him he can, of course, share this with as many people as he decides. However, upon sharing this with mutual friends and his family, everyone has been understanding and supportive… of us both.

We are currently separated and going to D (due to many reasons, not just my A). Something I am struggling with is the lack of anger and fallout from this. My guilt and shame throughout the years led me to view myself as a monster, but no one is treating me this way. His family and our mutual friends have been showing me love and support that I don’t feel I deserve.

Has anyone else experienced this? Almost wishing people were angrier with you?

I think possibly your mutual friends and some in his family might know enough about he and you to not think of you as the monster. Or perhaps, according to what I read in your other thread, they think he went overboard and crossed the line into abuse, and are more concerned for your well being than about what you did.

I know you're focused on your part in having an A before you got married, and have some very strong feelings of shame and guilt, rightfully so, but what he's done (had multiple affairs after marriage and before he knew anything about yours, not a trivial point, and his reactions to yours) is also relevant. How has he handled himself in the aftermath of the revelation of his own indiscretions? Is he remorseful? Has he apologized? Trying to make amends? Or just focused on what you did and seeking revenge? You come across to me as someone who is remorseful, and want to do the right thing now, no matter the consequences. Your friends and family are likely picking up on that, and probably feel that you both made some bad choices, but you're the one trying harder to do the right thing now and they can see that you're already punishing yourself.

You don't come across as a monster to me. You come across as a fallible human being who let their boundaries drop, made some very bad choices at a pretty young age, and want to do what's right now. The way I see it is you both did some horrible things. This isn't solely on you. I think the both of you have a lot to own up to, and it sounds like you're the only one who's making that effort. The people around you can probably see that.

I think you're on the right path now, and it's going to take a while, but stay in therapy and get yourself right. Don't focus on how you think others should perceive you. Recognize that maybe, just maybe, they're perceiving you as they should. I said it in your other thread, no matter what you did, no one deserves to be talked to or treated the way he's talked to and treated you. If he's that destroyed over it, then the right thing to do would be to end the relationship. Not hold you hostage and take advantage of your guilt, grief, and shame for sadistic revenge or payback. As far as I'm concerned, he's just as guilty as you are. If not moreso.

Thank you Pogre for your insight. Some friends might be more focused on his reaction, but even those who don't know about his reaction (he only told his family about the infidelities, not his reaction) are not condemning me.

I realize that desiring a stronger reaction to my infidelity by friends/family is selfish thinking. Maybe I just want justice for myself. I want to focus on BS's healing first and foremost, which is why this situation has made everything so much more complicated. Some mutual friends have distanced themselves from him because of his reaction, which breaks my heart because I want him to have more support during this difficult time but I know it isn't my place to ask friends how to feel and react to all of this information.

BS wants to reconcile. He says he has already forgiven me - another thing that worries me, that he says he forgave me within a few weeks of my confession. I wonder if he is rugsweeping?

The reasons many friends/family are minimizing my infidelity is because "it was so long ago", "you aren't that person anymore", "you've been a great girlfriend/wife since", etc. While these things may be logically true, they don't change what I did, and the fact that I still did not confess until recently, which still shows a major character flaw. Also, have I just been a great girlfriend/wife for the past decade because of my own guilt and not because I am actually a good partner? More questions to explore with my IC.

To answer your questions about my husband's remorse - unfortunately, in the weeks we attempted R, he was not very remorseful. He made statements such as "I was drunk", "it wasn't as bad as your A", "you didn't show me a lot of attention at the time" etc. I worry I fed these feelings because I was drowning in guilt and shame, and agreed that his actions weren't as bad and that we should focus on my A. However, the last statement is not true either because during our marriage, there were many times he was distant and pulled away from me, and told me he may want to explore sexually with other people and wasn't sure if he wanted me. He would not communicate while he was on tour for work, and I would beg him for more communication. There were even times he took off his wedding ring. But I was always 100% invested.

Regarding his remorse about his reaction - this is also a sticky point. Once our friends got involved and pulled me out and tried to explain how his actions were abusive, BS initially said he would go to anger management and therapy. Then we tried to R, and he slowly started turning back on this, saying he didn't need anger management, he just had an angry response because of trauma, and that our friends were overreacting. Now that I've told him I don't think we qualify for a successful R and I think our only option is D, he is now more open to anger management but still doesn't necessarily think his reaction was abusive.

All this aside, I will remain in therapy for a very long time. I unfortunately have many other things to unpack from my childhood such as physical, emotional, and some sexual abuse by my mother, and other related events that contributed to my "why's" for my A. All of which I have avoided and suppressed my entire life. I vow to do my best to never hurt another person in any way again, and I sincerely hope my BS will work on himself as well. I will never stop loving him, he will always be my family.

I can be very self punishing too and used to find it hard to accept the compassion of others.

A great book that helped me was "Rising strong" by Brene Brown. I think k it could really help you process the shame and see it’s probably been there longer than your A and accumulated.

I think a lot of people probably don’t find it helpful o judge something you did when you were much younger knowing some of the things you endured during the marriage too. Be glad you have people who love you unconditionally and know you do deserve that.

Thank you for the book suggestion hikingout, I will look into it.