SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I am an average looking guy and since the 12 years I am with my my wife, married for 6, I had two times the opportunity to make some love with two extremely gorgeous women. Man I was so tempted, it was really hard to resist. I am even thinking about posting one story here where I stopped after kissing bc it felt wrong even though I was drunk as sh*t.

Well, since my wife gave birth to our beautiful boy, I am far less attracted by the other gender. I still picture some beautiful girls I met naked, but more out of curiosity than desire.

And when I look at my boy of two years and my newborn daughter, I could never forgive myself for tearing this family apart. I would never betray them like this. I'll rather die.

So how can other people do that? Destroying your own children?

Good question. Here’s my two cents FWIW.

First most cheaters think they will NEVER get caught.

Second, most cheaters rationalize or justify the affair with the "I deserve to be happy" mentality they tell themselves.

And third, I think many cheaters expect if they are caught, what’s the big deal and will try to sweep it under the rug.

And my personal thought is that people who have been betrayed by a GF/BF/Partner/SO and then turn around and do it to their GF/BF/Partner/SO, are the worst.

Man I was so tempted, it was really hard to resist. I am even thinking about posting one story here where I stopped after kissing bc it felt wrong even though I was drunk as sh*t.

Well, since my wife gave birth to our beautiful boy, I am far less attracted by the other gender. I still picture some beautiful girls I met naked, but more out of curiosity than desire.

And when I look at my boy of two years and my newborn daughter, I could never forgive myself for tearing this family apart. I would never betray them like this. I'll rather die.

So how can other people do that? Destroying your own children?

Oh it happens all the time. My first wife risked destabilizing our young childrens lives, our home and family for a pathetic and utterly selfish fling with my "best friend". Complete self absorbtion with no regard to those she pledged to love and protect.

I stayed for the better part of a decade in large part for our kids but now regret that decision.

I cant end this without pointing out that I hope you will change your priorities from walking the path of faithfulness, loyalty and committment from the kids to your wife. Time to man up.

Oh, and by the way, man to man, knock off the drinking. Drunkeness is as dangerous to your kids stability as is infidelity. Get some help. See a good therapist. Im not kidding.

I do have to say though, that if you really kissed another woman while married, then you have ALREADY cheated.

I had several opportunities with 3 (maybe 4) different women over the years. I was very tempted by 2 of them, but it never went beyond some flirting. I thought of my wife, how faithful (yeah, right) she is, what it would do to her and our son, and I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't.

I probably should have, but I didn't tell her about any of them when they happened because none of them went anywhere, and I stopped talking to them. After experiencing the other side of infidelity, if it were to happen now, I'd tell her about it immediately. I did make sure to inform her of them after d day, tho. Just to drive the point home that I could have cheated, too, but didn't. And honestly, I just wanted her to feel like shit about it.

I wish she would have had the same thought process for me.

I think we are far less in control of the functioning of our brains than we realize. Flattery is like heroin. Once your limbic system gets access to a dopamine rush it starts sending signals to the critical thinking part of your brain, your prefrontal cortex, to come with a "story", a justification a reason et cetera so that part of your brain thinks it all makes sense. You are now in a delusional reality that it is very hard to break free from wherein your behavior seems to make perfects sense to you (even though it makes no sense whatsoever). You keep getting the dopamine rush. Rinse and repeat.

And my personal thought is that people who have been betrayed by a GF/BF/Partner/SO and then turn around and do it to their GF/BF/Partner/SO, are the worst.

A couple of times while I was in the throes of grief and telling her, "you have NO IDEA how devastated I am over this!" she told me to go have an affair with someone. A free pass, basically, for me to "even the score."

I thought it was absurd, and just to get a dig in while I was upset I told her "No. I'm not that type of person. I'm actually faithful, loyal, and trustworthy. I would never do a scummy thing like that."

The look on her face when I said that...

But yes, I agree. Adding another infidelity to the situation doesn't fix or resolve anything, and I KNOW I'd just feel like shit afterwards.

Pure unadulterated selfishness. They want what they want, consequences be damned.

My wife was very methodical and focused on covering her tracks. The last thing she did each work day before leaving work was to delete her sexting history with him just in case I happened to check her phone. Her one oversight was not realizing her phone and tablet were synced.

I almost gave up following my gut when I didn't see anything suspicious in the cell phone printout. Fun fact: Apple to Apple texts do not go thru your cellular provider :/ That's why nothing suspicious popped up when I looked at the printout. Looked at her tablet while she was still at work and that's how I found out

When I confronted her I asked did you not think about what would happen to our family or his family? Did you ever think about two families splitting up and kids being forced to split their time between parents? Her very cold response was no

The next day when she came home from work I said there's a suitcase upstairs I want you to leave the house and she did. Two days later when we talked she had done a 180 and was willing to do anything to keep us together

Months into reconciliation I again asked what did you think what happened if I found out. I had asked this question a few times and her answer was always I never thought about it but this time her answer was I knew you would be upset but I didn't think you would be this upset. What I heard was F you and your feelings.

She assumed I would just get upset, we would ignore each other for a few days, eventually sweep it under the rug and life would go on. All she cared about was the way he made her feel and she didn't give a damn or a moment's thought to how this could potentially destroy two families and our 27-year relationship

Sorry for my long-winded response but the simple answer is they just don't give a damn until the affair is discovered, everything implodes, and they are suddenly faced with the reality that families could be splitting up

[This message edited by WB1340 at 10:17 PM, Sunday, August 31st]

We got married at 23 and 22; we were both grad students, so we were living in a university environment. I had never placed a high value on relationships with girls, though they certainly interested me. Only really avant-garde middle-class people lived together before M at the time. But after just a couple of days living together with my new W, I realized I had very seriously underestimated the pleasure of provided by girls.

Every day I walked 7 blocks to class passing and being passed by attractive girls. So many of them looked so very touchable..

I was going crazy. I loved my W, and all these women got my attention. My solution was to allow myself to look, but not to touch, and to associate sex with my W whenever I was aware of sexual feelings. I decided I wouldn't say or do anything with any women that I wouldn't want my W to see and hear.

There have been a few times I've wanted to cross that line. I mean, I lived at what was known to soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines as an I & I site (known in the US a 'R(est) & R(ecreation)') from 1970-72. I tutored a guy who kept throwing beautiful girls at me and offering to pay the fees on my behalf.

But I didn't think I could live with myself if I cheated.

I see lots of attractive women, though....

She assumed I would just get upset, we would ignore each other for a few days, eventually sweep it under the rug and life would go on. All she cared about was the way he made her feel and she didn't give a damn or a moment's thought to how this could potentially destroy two families and our 27-year relationship

That's pretty much what my WW thought, too. To be fair, I think I'd have said the same thing if the shoe was on the other foot. I would have thought if I ever cheated on her, she'd be upset, but would get over it and life would move on. What an ignorant mindset.

My WW's PA and d day was just about a month and a half before our 27th anniversary. Her PA started at the beginning of April, d day was april 15th, and our anniversary was June 6th (which is literally THE d day in 1944, ironically...)

Our anniversary wasn't the special day for me it should have been, and she was upset I wasn't in much of a celebratory mood. Wtf did she expect? What was there to celebrate? 27 years flushed down the toilet for a fling? "But, but... it's about the length of time we've been together!" Sometimes the mentality of a cheater just baffles me.

I don’t know...

This might make me sound like a holy prude, but believe me – I’m neither.

In the period between leaving my fiancé after discovering her infidelity and until I started dating my present wife I had plenty of opportunities and got plenty of offers. Somehow then during my relationship with my ex, and from deciding that I wanted a relationship with my present wife I haven’t noticed a single offer or chance.
There was a small window shortly after my second date with present wife where I nearly fell into my old ways, but I stopped – thought about her and what I already at that early date wanted from her – and backed out.

I don’t think there is some repulse-o-generator that turns on and off depending on your relationship status, but maybe more that my dating-radar (or random-sex partner radar or has-the-hots-for-me radar) was simply turned off by me the moment I committed to the relationship. For all I know I got plenty of propositions, but since I wasn’t looking for them or expecting them I didn’t notice. Maybe the difference is that most of us turn that radar off, while some might let stand-by-mode suffice...

I think this might also be the key to why affairs happen... I don’t think that it’s luuuuve or anything of that nature. I think it’s more that one person hasn’t turned off the radar completely and therefore is more susceptible to offers. Like soft offers, sublime offers, "normal" offers people might make when trying to entice someone. Since being hit on is definitely a form of validation and I think 99% of infidelity is about validation... then a spouse lacking in self-worth/needing validation might have that radar on stand-by rather than off and disconnected.

Me? My flirt-o-sensor has been switched off so long I think it has lamps rather than transistors...

Sorry for my long-winded response but the simple answer is they just don't give a damn until the affair is discovered, everything implodes, and they are suddenly faced with the reality that families could be splitting up

Spot on.

My H had such an arrogance about himself on dday1. Like he was the prize b/c two women were fighting over him.

He never thought I would D him (even though he planned to D me during the affair). That’s all I heard for 6 months - he wanted a D.

I was the bad guy b/c I was standing in his way and preventing him from being w/ the OW.

He became someone I didn’t even recognize.

My husband actually blamed me for ‘finding out’. If only I hadn’t checked everything would be okay - he says.

But a man with low self esteem. Who has always doubted himself (I was okay with this , I tried to encourage him). Behaving like a sleeze will never help your self esteem.

I agree for those who like validation and smoke up the backside - the dopamine will be like a drug. Intoxicating and you chase the high. It’s like drugs or alcohol. And I think those with addictive natures may be tempted.

I also think many think they will never get caught. They overstep boundaries and the more they do this the easier it gets. And they justify it with a variety of nonsense reasons. .

I also had a switch turn off. I said to myself I won’t mess this person around and I haven’t. I too was tempted for get revenge - hell it’s not hard with all the online websites - but I didn’t. Not for him but for me. It wouldn’t help me. Or my self esteem. I can hold my head high knowing I did the right thing. That stops me cheating. I know I could but I don’t.

Being able to cheat is not a sign of being attractive or desirable. It’s a sign of being cheap and having little in the way of values. It’s really not cool or attractive in anyway. When I see a cheat in a film or book I look for the characters poor traits. I look to see if the author or director shows why they were able to betray their own words, vows and promises. Or if the writer is in Lala land and thinks a cheat is sexy and attractive and a catch

Shino - I couldn’t do that to my kids either. I’m shocked my spouse could. He says he (and his counsellor) thought they would want him to be happy. They are both fools. One child was very aware of what was going on - I’m pretty sure it has tainted their view of him. I had a breakdown and was unwell. I couldn’t hide it. Rashes over my body, a weight drop to the point I was gaunt. I couldn’t eat. I cried for months. Imagine watching that happen to your family member.

Have I had opportunity to cheat. Of course. An old friend slid into my DMs last week. I showed my spouse and said look at this loser. It’s not attractive, it reeks of desperation.

But Shino if you kissed someone else - you already cheated.

Oh he also thought he was a prize. I was very clear that I thought a cheat is no prize at all.

I asked how could someone with no integrity, whom lies and betray their values. Who sneaks around like a sullen school boy caught smoking in the school toilet be a prize.

No one forced him to get married. No one forced him to remain married.

One more thing:

If we divorce - he will always be faced with a dilemma. During a date when the lady across the table asks ‘so did you ever cheat on your wife?’ He has an issue

1) be honest. I know many faithful and decent people with good boundaries and values would run a mile at this. On a Second date - why waste your time on such a person. He could dress it up, make himself sound like a victim. Or say he’s seen the light. But by 40/50 people are wiser. If she was happy to continue dating a known cheat then I think that suggests she may have boundary issues or be okay with cheating.

2) continue being a liar. Maybe you’ll get found out, maybe you won’t.

So like I am today he would be between a Rock and a hard place.

I never want to be in that position on a date. I’m too cool for that I’d want to have more choice in a future partner than a person who is happy to have a third date with a person who betrayed their own vows.

[This message edited by Abcd89 at 7:14 PM, Friday, September 5th]

I think a lot of cheaters compartmentalize so thoroughly that they just don't consider that at all. I also think it involves an extreme degree of selfishness to be able to compartmentalize to that extent.