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I FOUND out on april my boyfriend of more than 3 years had for all that time a lot of dating apps. Then we went to therapy and still 2 weeks he was lying and the whole truth came out he confrsswd he has seen 6 girls over these 3 yeats accordinf to him once. We are trying to Save it and do therapy but I am. Ot sure if ir is Worth fighting form additionally he escape jn the world of video Games and tv series. I moved to another country to be with him. Any advise?

[This message edited by Patrycja at 10:10 PM, Wednesday, September 3rd]

Not married?

No kids?

He failed the boyfriend test.

Three years and moved for him seems a big investment but it’s not. Move on.

Best wishes.

Welcome to SI and sorry you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are other posts with bull's eye icons that are very good, they just aren't pinned to the top. Additionally, the Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great resources.

I hope you're in IC (inidividual counseling) with a trauma-informed counselor. Your WBF (wayward boyfriend) should be in IC as well. He needs to work on becoming a safe partner. It sounds like he's a serial cheater, and they find it difficult to change. (Not saying it can't happen, but it is rare.) Generally, the advice is that if you're not married and have no kids, you may be better off ending the relationship.

You should see your doctor and be tested for STDs/STIs, as there are some nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer. His decisions to cheat have put your health at risk.

If he's serious about changing, then he should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

No, I would definitely end this. This guy has used you. He's never been honest with you, never faithful, never trustworthy. If you stay, you are only going to get more of the same. I'm so sorry, but some people are not cut out as partner or marriage material and I think he's one of those. If he does marry at some point, I think it very unlikely he will stay married and he'll continue this behavior. Please understand that this is not the way YOU are....it's the way HE is. It's what he wants to do. I think you should take this as a painful life lesson and move on - don't waste any more time and youth on him. Good luck!

[This message edited by BondJaneBond at 6:00 AM, Thursday, September 4th]

Yes we have no kids no mariage we are both in therapies and in the couples one. I know I should leave but for some reasons ak cannot

Yes we have no kids no mariage we are both in therapies and in the couples one. I know I should leave but for some reasons ak cannot

Dating is the job interview for marriage. This interview went badly. Time to cut your losses.

I would get some distance. Live separately for a while while you think about things.

Patrycja, I think there are a lot of things probably keeping you stuck right now and I bet a big one is just fear. You've been with him for a while now, maybe you think he's the only guy you can get, you don't know how to make it on your own - these are things many of us think, you're not alone in this. It's very common. It's hard to break away from someone who has become our family, perhaps our refuge, and who we imagine the future with, BUT.....he's shown he's not that guy. He just isn't. Whatever he may think or feel about you, is not really relevant anymore because he's not marriage material. We used to talk like that in the past and we should go back to it. As one of the posters here said, dating is an interview for marriage - and it should be cause...what other point is there for any serious dating? You're looking for someone to settle down with permanently. What you have seen now with your boyfriend is what he is. What he really is. And how he is now is how he's going to be. This IS the real him and this is what the future looks like for you. You don't want this future, it's destructive.

Sometimes the best way to end things is just to end them and deal with the fall out later, especially if you're having trouble making a decision or going back and forth. If you can, grab your stuff and just go, go stay with family, friends, whatever, but I would just physically leave if you can at all. Leave him a note or something but I'd just break this off, he knows why. And counseling will definitely help you to get past this and move on with a new life for yourself, a better one. I guarantee it will be a better one because nothing is worse than being stuck with a cheater.

Sometimes the problem with over thinking things is that we just keep circling back to find a reason to do what we want to do or what is easier to do, and that's usually not the best thing. I think you should just figure out a way to leave and leave. Once you've done this - go no contact for the future. It's the best, most healthiest thing for you. He's not going to change, at least not for a looooong time, if ever. This is the real him. You don't want that.

I know it sure doesnt feel like it, and it may not seem like it, but it's a good thing you discovered this before you ended up married with children. You can try to work it out with him if you want, but he's showing signs of serial cheating, and those tend to be the worst. He can change, but it's unlikely. I'd seriously consider cutting your losses now while you're young and able to bounce back without any serious financial entanglements or obligations.

A bit of perspective here. I have about 10 to 15 friends who were cheated on while dating or engaged. Every one that married their cheating BF/GF or fiancé/fiancee ended up being cheated in throughout the marriage.

For some it was one or two times, for many it was serial cheating.

For some odd reason, the cheater took the gift of reconciliation and used it to justify the continued cheating. They expected nothing will happen and it will be swept under the rug like it was prior to marriage.

Some have admitted doubts about moving forward w/ the wedding but were too chicken to end it. In hindsight they wished they had. It would have saved them years of grief and abuse etc.

No marriage - no kids - RUN

Dating is a test before marriage. He failed epically.

I know it hurts and I know it hard, but RUN.

Keep your own IC - figure out how to pick better next time.
I hope he keeps his IC - to figure out why he's such a dunderhead.
Couples Therapy - total waste at this point.

I highly doubt Peter Pan will grow up any time soon. And even if he pretends to - he will resent you for making him give up his "fun"

Run.

10 years ago I was with a girl serious I loved her loads. Within the first year she cheated, i was damaged beyond repair. I logged in here in this forum, someone told me only few months less than a year, RUN you just dodged a bullet.

Guess what, I didn't listen I was not in a place to take correct decision, I think now looking back I couldn't end it I wanted answers and closure.

So I may have developed hysterical bounding. Almost 10 years later, she made a guy friend whom I never knew existed, she left ghosted me when I went to talk to her she immediately contacted that guy friend who advised her with shit, report me at work few times and to the police etc. I nearly lost everything.

I know it's hard for you now but please think clearly.

I'm still recovering. If time gos back would I stil stayed , I don't know probably yes, the cheat damage you and your thinking till this date I'm not fully recovered.

Are you seeing a theme here? Every one of us wants you to be very realistic about this guy. He can’t help himself. He keeps on doing something he knows hurts you but it does not stop his behavior. Ok, here goes the social worker…one thing I know for sure. By the time we are grown we are who we will be. Occasionally we see a bs whose ws actually changes their behavior. 1stwife’s ws is one but he put her through hell first. Sometimes people come out of whatever addiction they have and actually manage to be dependable people but so far your ws has not budged.