SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Does anyone else feel angry for not trusting themselves and what their gut was telling them about their wayward partner?

I knew my husband was capable of cheating...I'd seen him cheat on his ex before we got together (we worked together), but knew they had a complicated on/off relationship.

I knew he had the potential to cheat on me. We both worked together in a job where cheating was rife. I never trusted him to go away on his own, stay overnight with work etc. However, his job meant he worked nights, lates etc and I had no way of knowing whether he was genuinely working the hours he said.

We were so in love though and with 5 years were married with twins and a baby on the way.

It was great until it wasn't.

I remember he being distant and cold after I had my third baby. I caught him watching porn channels and liking pictures online.

I actually remember having an epiphany one day and thinking 'he only cares about sex, all men do, no man really loves a woman'.

I was right...about him at the time.

As time went on I tried to bridge the gap between us...I had a boob job, sent him pics, spiced things up in the bedroom.

I remember being scared when I then left our mutual job as I wouldn't be able to find out if he was cheating on me with any younger colleagues.

I asked him if he was cheating on me.

Then time passed. I found my confidence in education and I stopped worrying about him cheating. I actually started fancying other guys myself who were smart and intellectual and would tell him if I ever left him it would be for a conversation!

Then he started to become a better man. He started taking an interest in the kids school lives, started sharing the mental load. And over the years the question 'are you cheating on me?' changed to 'have you ever cheated on me?'.

He would look me in the eye and say 'i swear I've never cheated on you, you are the mother of my children, I would never disrespect you like that'.

I started to believe him and stopped asking. Then, in January, after 20 years together his old friend's wife texts me to say they had an affair. I find out it started when I was pregnant with my third 15 years ago and went on for 2 years and involved sex after night shifts and sexting at work.

I was blindsided.

Not because he cheated, I knew he was capable. But because he kept it secret for so long. That it went on for so long. That I never in a million years suspected his mates pregnant wife would be his AP especially as she was as she was, in the kindest way possible, double my size and not the brightest or prettiest..why on earth we he choose that??!!

So, I guess my long ramble is just me expressing my anger and disappointment for not seeing him as the waster of a man he was back then. I should have trusted my gut. I should have waited before rushing into having kids with him. I should have stopped being a mum to a man child. I should have shown him the door.

He is not that man child anymore. Somewhere along the way he grew up but at my expense. And I'm not that same girl who would let a man treat her like that.

I guess I realise that in order to forgive him, I also have to forgive myself.

Did anyone else have to work on forgiving themselves?

Did anyone else have to work on forgiving themselves?

Yes.

I think most of us do.

I know I punished myself quite a bit at first for missing all of the clear and obvious signs in the moment.

Weirdly, I had to learn to trust myself and my judgement again before I found a way to forgive myself.

My IC pointed out that in a good relationship, we’re supposed to see the good in our partners. And I agree — now.

He would look me in the eye and say 'i swear I've never cheated on you, you are the mother of my children, I would never disrespect you like that'.

Wow. It still astonishes me how exacting and similar behavior is for spouses who cheat, and the lines they use.

My wife’s AP was a family friend, we had meals with them, watched each other’s kids, he was a coworker, etc. He was five years older than me, seven years older than my wife and tried to front as everyone’s big brother before it all went sideways. Anyway, there was an unscheduled visit, I nearly caught them and it got explained away as he was returning something. It was way off to me, so I asked my wife directly a couple days later if something was going on.

She looked me straight in the eye and asked me, "Do you think AP loves his family?" I said I think he does, and then she said, "Do you think he would ever do anything to ruin that?" And then added, "Neither would I."

Crazy how well the lie was delivered. But then again, I wanted it to be true.

Nothing wrong with us when we want to see the good in our partners.

As to the trust me part, I sure know what the lies sound like now, I know what the behavior looks like. I absolutely trust me again. My wife developed a bit of a tell, so now I can tell if knows something or has to think up something — with any issue.

As to the forgive me part, the only thing I did was love my family, to best of my ability with the best information I had in the moment.

Ain’t nothing wrong with being a caring person.

Of course, it took me a while to accept my conclusion.

When I got up this morning, nothing about my wife’s shitty choices reflect on me at all, in any way.

I could tell you that his cheating is not about you, that it is all on him, but you know that. I could tell you that you need to be easier on yourself, but you already know that, too. In hind sight, you picked a guy with a lot of problems and if the younger you had the wisdom of the current you, you would have chosen a different mate. If I knew then what I know now….man oh man I would have been a lot more successful in school, sports, in my social life, my investments, the cars I bought, etc. All I can tell you is that it is perfectly normal to look back with regret for the decisions we made when we were young and dumb. But maybe it’s time to count our blessings rather than our regrets. You chose a long shot, that’s true. But he has actually turned out to be better than you thought he was when you rolled the dice. Unless you find a flux capacitor, why not let the "what ifs" be interesting self-examination and then appreciate your strength and role in helping your guy be the person whose potential first attracted you?

It took me awhile to accept that what my wife did had absolutely nothing to do with me. As usual I thought I was a bad husband, I wasn't enough of a man for her, etc, and even though my therapist was telling me it's not you, it's her, she made the decision to do what she did and it's not your fault I just couldn't believe that my wife would do this unless I was a bad husband

After several months I finally felt like my feet were planted solidly on the ground and I could think clearly and I had realized that no matter how good a relationship is if somebody wants to cheat they are going to cheat.

In hindsight I think I enabled her to do this because I did way too much for her. I did all the little things all the big things that I believed made my wife feel special. I have been getting her car door for her 99% of the time in our 28 years together. Friends of ours have told us we are weird for doing that but I believed it made my wife feel special

Every morning I made her coffee and had it ready for to grab and go. Sometimes she would walk out to her car and find a flower on the dash or be surprised at work with a gift or one of a million other things I have done for her over the decades we've been together but now I think I did too much, she became way too content and took me for granted. There was no challenge for her in our relationship so in my mind I think I became boring to her

I was the reliable dependable trustworthy hard-working dutiful husband who did whatever it took to provide for his family and that made her feel secure but she wanted someone to make her feel sexy about herself and her boring Dependable reliable husband didn't but the married coworker who was 13 years younger than her husband and 9 years younger than her and carried a gun and a badge and a bulletproof vest could and did.

I felt like I aged 20 years when I learned about this. Everything about me felt old and boring and predictable and that took a long time to work through. The only way my wife could truly understand what it feels like would be for her to find out that I was involved with a woman 13 years younger than her. And then I can just tell my wife I wasn't happy with myself, had nothing to do with you, The Other Woman just made me feel good about myself and then my wife could sit there and think I don't make my husband feel good but another woman does. Then she would understand the hell I went through :/

Oldwounds - thank you for your reply.
It's crazy how convincingly our spouse's lied - surely it would just be easier to live a life you don't have to lie about?!

I am starting to realise, just like you and every other betrayed on here, my WHs choices were his own and they are his to deal with. I will not carry the shame and embarrassment for his choices anymore - I have not done anything wrong. Obviously I have not been a perfect wife, but I have been honest, loyal and tried my best and for that I am proud.

Notsogreat - thank you for your reply. You actually sound like my therapist!
Up until DD I though I was a weak person as I have struggled with my mental health. I now realise how strong I've actually been. I got through the difficult years raising neurodiverse children whilst unbeknownst to me my husband struggled and cheated. This makes me mad he 'opted out of the tough times' but I realise he wasn't as strong as me and like you say, my strength has helped shaped him into the man he is today. Until DD I was so proud of the man he has become - kind, considerate, caring, responsible and reliable. I hope I can start to look forward instead of back and once again be proud of my husband.

WB - you sound like an amazing husband and I really don't think you should feel bad for caring too much! My husband has brought me coffee every morning for the past few years and I LOVE that! He has finally turned into a man who will do little things just to show he cares like the coffee, filling my car up, buying me flowers and spoiling me on birthday/mother's day etc.

I didn't cheat on him when he wasn't cheating on him and I wouldn't cheat in him now he does those things. I don't think you can enable someone into cheating.

It must be hard having a younger AP. My husband's AP was double my size, half my intelligence and about as charismatic as a dish cloth so I don't feel insecure about that. She was just willing to betray her family same as my husband. I think at the time my Husband would have cheated on me with anyone sick enough, devious enough and secretive enough to be honest.

I struggle with forgiving myself every day. I have never had a problem seeing that XWH's choices and affairs were entirely about him. If he'd been married to someone else, he would have cheated on her, too.

But I wrestle with the decisions I made after D-Day #1. Specifically, my decision to attempt R without setting firm boundaries and making my expectations clear. At the time, I was so afraid of losing him and breaking up our family that I tolerated (and participated in) rug-sweeping. What I thought was R wasn't, and 12 years later, I found myself at D-Day #2.

This time I divorced him immediately, and I have been so much happier since! But I regret 12 lost years and where my life / our kids' lives might be if I'd made a different decision back then. Perhaps in five or ten years' time, when I have the benefit of more distance from the latest D-Day and divorce, the regret I feel over my choices and the 12 years will have faded, but right now I struggle with that.

I spent time working on forgiving myself and I believe I have been successful in doing so. It is possibly the part of this entire shit show that I have done the most successfully.

I spent time and a lot of energy explaining why his poor choices had nothing to do with me. His poor character traits have enabled him to act this way. You cannot make someone faithful. You cannot make someone betray their own vows. The first person they lied to was themself. I put together lots of bits from comments on here and the books I read and wrote a fair bit.

I am lucky as my self esteem is fine. I genuinely believe I have done the right thing by me and my children with the knowledge and resources I had at the time.

I found writing helped- why I did what I did. Why you cannot stop someone betraying themselves and their family. What character traits they possess that allowed them to cheat. What your values are and how you live by them. I wrote all this and then rewrote it. Then I have helped others understand it when they were betrayed. This helped me more.

I played the pick me dance before I knew he was cheating. I was heartbroken. Suicidal. But that shows I truly loved another person. I believed in them, trusted them, put faith in them. Had them in my thoughts in my daily life. Bought little gifts. Tried to think of them in my actions.

I vowed to myself early on I’d never ever cheat on him and I didn’t - but I did that for me. And it’s made me who I am today. I can look at myself in the mirror. I can tell my children I did the best I could for them.

But my heart is still broken. I have had a bad couple of weeks and I’m crying a lot. It’s like my soul or being has been affected. But that’s because I loved and judged him by my own behaviour and values. I don’t feel a fool. I feel sad for what I feel has been lost. Loss is my biggest issue and I’m not sure I will ever be able to resolve this. It may be just too much for me with my history. Which is sad.

I was wrong about him but I’m glad I was capable.

This website shows me I’m not alone. There are many good uns out there. And I come on here to remind myself I’m certainly not alone.

I wish I’d picked better. There are things he has since told me, that had I known I would NEVER have married him. He was a liability from day one. I’m his collateral damage.

And funnily he comes from a nice stable background. I’m an adoptee. A bit wild in my younger years. But I 100% did my best. And I am at peace with myself.

Another idea that has worked for me is to reframe thoughts and views. And reclaim

them. During the affair he would say I was too stuck in my views. He was unable to change my mind on anything. He saw this as a bad point about me. He discussed it with his counsellor (who transpired to be a terrible counsellor). I now say the fact I have values and causes I believe in is one of the things l like about me. I have values and beliefs and I fight for them. I am happy to be wrong about things and I am happy to hold my hands up and say I made a mistake. I have now recognised he has few values or beliefs that he is prepared to put his neck on the line for. He hates confrontation and criticism and will avoid that ‘uncomfy feeling’ you get . I will speak out about things that really matter - I recognise you can’t make everyone like you and I’m okay with that.

I also know I won’t forgive what he did. It’s not in me. He damaged my family. Our marriage. My mental health. My children’s lives were affected due to his poor traits. I had a breakdown. My children could have been left by their father with me on my knees. I couldn’t function due to the trauma. Before I knew and he was being cruel to me I lost a lot of weight to the point I was gaunt. He must have seen that. I developed a rash from stress all over my body. That cruelty to me and sending photos of our children to this online weirdo. That is unforgivable in my opinion. And I’m at peace with that too. But I forgive myself looking back, how can I be unkind about a lady who had a breakdown because she believed the words her husband had said to her.

He also ‘swore on our children’s lives’. It’s part of the script. Disgusting behaviour. Unforgivable.

[This message edited by Abcd89 at 9:37 AM, Wednesday, September 3rd]

I just want to say something that maybe you haven’t told yourself yet... you should actually hold your head high for being the kind of person who gave someone a chance. You saw his past, you knew the risk, and instead of writing him off immediately, you chose to believe in the possibility that he could be better. That says so much more about your heart than it does about his failures.

What he did wasn’t a reflection of your worth or your instincts. it was a reflection of his own brokenness at the time. You gave love, you gave trust, you gave him a shot at being a better man. That’s not weakness, that’s strength. It takes courage to look past someone’s mistakes and hope for growth.

Yes, he let you down. But that doesn’t make you naive or foolish. It makes you someone who loved fully, and that’s never something to be ashamed of. You weren’t wrong to hope, and you weren’t wrong to build a family and a life together believing he could rise to the occasion. That’s who you are...a person who leads with love and strength.

So when you talk about forgiving yourself, maybe it’s less about forgiving and more about recognizing you were strong enough to give someone a chance, even though he wasn’t strong enough to honor it. That’s on him. Not you.