SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The timeline was a dealbreaker for me. It was for me but also so she would have to really examine what she did, how she acted, the lies she told, the gaslighting she did and on and on. It was too difficult for her. Too painful.

An old saying on SI and elsewhere is "trust your gut". My heart and/or head overrode my gut. Then there is the gaslighting. denial. willful blindness (a book title by Margaret Heffernan and very good), love bias and it's hard to comprehend when it isn't in your DNA.

Actions speak louder than words. He bought the book. Wow. What a gesture. What about putting it into action if you truly want to reconcile.

Another good book is "Cheating in a Nutshell" by Wayne and Tamara Mitchell.

There's also the possibility that you will get an incomplete and/or false timeline. Mine flat out lied about part of the timeline, and then retracted it months later after group therapy finally convinced him that he needed to come 100% clean. Even then, he confessed all the stuff that *he* thought was bad, some of which was trivial to me. I wondered what he thought was trivial that might have been important to me (a lot can happen over 3 years), but I will never know.

To steadychevy's point about actions over words, his actions are showing you who he is. You're seeing him clearly for the first time, not through the haze of love. It's remarkable what that shift in perspective reveals about the people we chose to marry, and there's no unseeing it.

Also, that feeling of not knowing what's real? I very much had that, and continue to have it, even after starting divorce proceedings. This is what betrayal trauma does, and it's not easy to recover from it. I hope you're working with a good therapist, too.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 10:41 PM, Thursday, May 7th]

hcg1553,

I agree 100% that a thoroughly thought out and researched timeline would be/was necessary for me to reconcile; for the reasons you stated like facing the truth and willingness to own up to the actions, and also not having any secrets with someone else in your marriage.

It's often said here that for reconciliation to work a BS must openly state their needs, then observe their WS. I'm wondering if maybe it's equally important how we phrase all of that to the WS, both before and during reconciliation. If a BS tells their WS that they "need a complete timeline to heal", or something similar, I wonder how a WS interprets that. Do they maybe take that as a position of dependence or weakness? Do they perversely hold out on giving it because they view it (consciously or subconsciously) as a continued attachment that's gone once it's out there? It seems a detached and less open or needy attitude is more helpful in certain phases of all this, or maybe just precise words. Even in reconciliation, what does a WS actually hear if you say "I need... (a hug, you to talk about this, etc.)"?

Kitchen5551 with regards to framing requests I agree with you. My advice to anyone just starting this process is to state what you require to keep standing, to begin to heal and say no more. My role naturally in my marriage was always the consoler and the fixer and that dynamic still came out subconsciously when he returned, despite me thinking I was being strong. It's led to months of being pulled into his emotional mess and his needs and it's only since he feels he is coming out the other side I've realised hang on what about me? I'm in a worse state that when you came back from the drip feed of truths. I think you're right in that if they think you need something from them, the truth, consolation, they have something to work with to deflect or distract instead of just bringing the honesty BS deserves. Well it feels that way in my case.

As for timelines and truth I have a fairly solid line documented on my side of what I went through. Thank the lord I followed friends advice at the time and did it shortly after it happened. Plus his mistress has given details of some of the hotels. If his version varies wildly from what I know then that is telling in itself.

NoThanksForTheMemories - apologies I just realised I replied about the timelines to someone else 😂 But yes I'm fully expecting minimisation. I guess this in as much about truth as observing his actions.

As for therapy I'm starting with a new one specialising in trauma just for some practical ways to break the thoughts. Which are endless. For example if the affair was not a reflection on me but WS, and was about the WS's state of mind etc well what parts of our marriage was a reflection of me and about me? Did I have no influence or impact on him at all as a person? Did I mean so little that my voice on the phone while he checked into the hotel with her sparked nothing? And if you manage to get through that thought there was nothing I could have done to stop that moment well what is this marriage then? Was it always paper thin and I just didn't get the memo? The affair rewrites everything.

Steadychevy - thanks for the book recommendation. It looks excellent! It's on its way in the post.

Your H is trying his best to sweep this shine thing under the rug. He just wants to "move on" which is a fairly typical cheater move.

Please do not let him sweep this under the rug. If he avoids facing this issue then he will most likely manipulate you in any way he can.

My experience is that my H’s first affair was a 4 year emotional affair in the 90s, before cell phones and texts. I knew it was going on but he denied it, gaslit and stonewalled me. When it finally ended it was completely swept under the rug.

For that reason I believer it made it easier for him to cheat again. And during than affair he was kicking me to the curb. After dday2 of affair 2 I no longer allowed him to control anything and manipulate me.

My recommendation is that you don’t let him squirm out of giving you what you need. Especially if you think you will reconcile.

The cheater likes to think they are in control of R and the betrayed and can dictate as to "how it’s going to be". My H tried that too. In about 3 minutes he realized he had been stripped of any say in anything and it was either my way or the highway.

We now have a very different marriage in some respects. And my H knows there are no more chances.

I hope this helps you.