SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have an accurate ideal of hell as I cannot imagine anything worse than what I have done. I disclosed everything to my wife and her world is shattered. She was totally blindsided. One of the themes in our discussion was how she must have been so naive when the mistake she made was trusting someone totally unworthy of her trust.

I have a therapy appointment and my therapists had previously indicated that my wife could attend with or in lieu of me. We are going to attend together.

I am still shellshocked and my wife is 100x more so. She deserves so much better than what I have done. Her world is shattered and as she said we have been living different marriages for the last 24 years (four-year affair and 20 years of lying).

If you are religious, please pray for my wife that she can start to find a path to heal.

I read this sub-forum off and on since D-Day to try and better understand the Wayward mind. I have followed your story silently but with dread for your pending disclosure. I feel mostly for your wife as I can empathize with her. But I feel for you as well. Doing the right thing is hard. Despite the pain (and possible regret) you are feeling, this is the right thing. You may not think so now, your wife may not think so but it was.

I saw your post on the thread for "those who found out years later". I figure prominently there. My wife had multiple affairs for the first 20 years of our marriage, hid them for 18 more and disclosed through lying and trickle truth 3 years ago.

For me, the cheating is a HUGE strike 1. But I have to weigh the relatively "good" marriage we had in the intervening years. BUT, those are now tainted because of the lying. Strike 2. I offered my wife the gift of Reconciliation. I had hoped we could overcome the affairs, the lies, all of it. But it was going to be HARD. I felt she had stolen nearly 40 years of my life.

Shame, selfishness and an inability to do the necessary work doomed us. Strike 3. We won’t divorce for many reasons I won’t get into here. We won’t ever reconcile either. We’re in that limbo between the two where a lot of people (unfortunately) land.

The saddest part of all, is my wife has brain cancer. Due to all of this, I don’t "feel the way I should" about that (hopefully, that makes sense) She thinks it’s retribution for the way she lived. I don’t believe that but sometimes "karma always evens the score" sneaks into my mind. For lack of a better term, I am "dribbling out the clock".

I don’t say all this to make you feel any more shitty than you already do. Just to warn you that as hard as yesterday was, it will only get harder from here. What you do from here on out and how you show up and support your wife will determine how your relationship and lives will go. Don’t mess this part up!

I will pray for your wife. And you too.

This is a perfect example of why I think confessing is so cruel after all this time. This "gift" will result in endless heartache and mind movies for your wife for many years to come. Do you think your wife is better off now that she knows?

Good luck to you both.

FVL

I'm proud of you. You are stepping up not to unburden yourself (because it doesn't) but to finally give your wife the respect she deserves. That is love. The fact that she is going to your next appt is good.

I struggle every day with the thought that we were living in two very different truths. His was real and mine was made up. It's not easy. I feel like such a fool. This is one of the hardest things to wrap my mind around.

How my H treats me and deals with the fallout is tantamount to our R. His confession definitely changes everything from now on, but it doesn't need to kill it.

I am praying for you and your wife. God bless.

I applaud your courage. I hope you have as much patience and resilience.

Keep in mind, the A may have been 20 years ago, but for her it might as well have been yesterday.

I struggle to think of anything as destructive as infidelity to all parties. My wife is destroyed by my terrible choices. I cannot forgive myself for my choices. How do we not see this before we make the choices. Is there any other way infidelity will end other than complete heartbreak, utter devastation and ruin. How could I every think any thing was worth this pain especially the illusion of whatever escape from the hole inside me that the affair was.

I would give all that I have to not have destroyed the person I love the most. The pain she feels is so undeserved. Even if we can find a path to reconcile she will live with this pain for the rest of her life. Everything feels so dark right now. I feel as if this is hell on earth and the torment is facing the consequences of my choices.

I feel so broken, but beyond just me being broken. Now my damaged self has wide scale collateral damage.

I am hurting and I want to feel the hurt because I deserve it. If only me taking more pain would alleviate some of hers I would take all of it. Seeing her suffer because of me is pain beyond words.

I am looking for support as things seem so dark.

[This message edited by feelingverylow at 4:30 AM, Monday, September 8th]

Prayers for you and her.

Even if we can find a path to reconcile she will live with this pain for the rest of her life.

Thankfully, this part is not true. The anguish she is feeling right now is not permanent. It is awful and it lasts longer than anyone would like, but it is not for life. You can be honest and humble in order to shorten and lessen her pain.

I pray you are true to your words of doing all you can to help her. She needs it.

I am offering support. We have been where you are as a couple. My husband told me 3 years ago about the cheating 8 years prior. I still can’t say the word "A" even though probably thats what it was. He had trickle truthed for 8 years with a lovely but untrue story of his secretary coming on to him and him turning it down. There has been widespread damage, settlement agreements, recent letters from lawyers all of which is nothing next to the pain, particularly at that moment of impact 3 years ago. But we are much much better. The relationship is better. But, as you allude to in your posting the relationship is not really the issue at that moment when you had to inflict this blow. Her pain is the main thing you are worried about which speaks to your humanity and compassion. The pain for me is astronomically less severe now. I feel much much better and have for a long time now. I have days I don’t think much about it which previously seemed absolutely impossible.. It did take a long time. I truly don’t blame my husband for the full blow b/c obviously that was not what was intended. Callous disregard, yes, but intentional harm no and obviously minimal awareness of the magnitude of the harm he was causing.

You had no way of knowing what the right thing to do was in this situation (the weather it is best to tell someone years later situation). It is unknowable. You have tried to do the right thing at great expense to yourself. Yes, right now your wife is the true victim. But, you can offer her much help with her healing.

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I think my husband was severely traumatized by telling me this. It is so hard to watch your spouse suffer. My husband would frequently just shut down, other times he did much better. It probably makes sense that someone who had an A would not have great tools for this situation, and really even someone with great tools would be overwhelmed. Please be kind to yourself and offer yourself grace. She will have to mourn and grieve and rage. It is a lot to absorb. I did pray for your wife this morning and now I will say a prayer for you too, though I’m not religious.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 5:31 AM, Monday, September 8th]

Even if we can find a path to reconcile she will live with this pain for the rest of her life.

My wife didn’t confess her A until 18-years after it ended. She planned to take the secret to her grave.

I much prefer to have the hard truth than pretend nothing bad ever happened.

Reconciliation is extremely hard, because both people have to really want to rebuild the relationship.

The shock and pain absolutely take 3-5 years to recover — but it is possible.

It’s been over nine years now since dday, and I am grateful for the work we’ve done to get our relationship healed and worthy of us both.

Words of encouragement may sound hollow at this early stage, and yet, we all find a way through, regardless of the different paths we take.

Your wife will have five billion questions, answer them all, no matter how many times she asks the same thing.

First way back to trust is being as honest as possible from today forward.

I have some emotional scars, like all of us, but I’m at peace. I certainly don’t live in pain everyday, it just took longer than I wanted to process it all.

FVL,

I wish I had had the courage to do what you just did. My (former) cowardly avoidant personality kept me selfishly dragging my feet while my therapist was pushing me hard to self-disclose. While I was hemming and hawing, a former EAP decided to write my BW an anonymous letter. It went exactly as you can imagine it did.

My BW has stated that two things allowed her to give me a chance at R: the fact that I was already in IC and the fact that I confessed and timelined everything on D-Day and in the days immediately after. We are now over 6 years past DD and mostly healed.

Everything ahead for you now is actions, not words. Be there for her. Take every bullet. Answer all the questions, even the ones she asks a thousand times. Follow through on your promises. Avoid any grand declarations. Keep doing the work regardless of the outcome, even if she decides that she is done. That last point was the hardest but most crucial one I had to accept.

I'm praying for both of you and wish you both healing and peace as you navigate this storm.

I have an accurate ideal of hell as I cannot imagine anything worse than what I have done. I disclosed everything to my wife and her world is shattered. She was totally blindsided. One of the themes in our discussion was how she must have been so naive when the mistake she made was trusting someone totally unworthy of her trust.

I have a therapy appointment and my therapists had previously indicated that my wife could attend with or in lieu of me. We are going to attend together.

I am still shellshocked and my wife is 100x more so. She deserves so much better than what I have done. Her world is shattered and as she said we have been living different marriages for the last 24 years (four-year affair and 20 years of lying).

If you are religious, please pray for my wife that she can start to find a path to heal.

I told you that I would be praying for her on the 6th and I did.

There are a number of things that I affirm as to you.

I affirm the fact that you followed through and did tell her. You could have continued to deceive her by ommission but you chose disclosure and integrity. She deserved and continues to deserves the truth.

I affirm that you came back here and posted. You could have exited and stayed mute. You chose to continue to reach out here for further disclosure and support. This is a big step.

I affirm the fact that youve received and are continuing to receive therapy and are now including her to participate (I would encourage her to find her own therapist as this will need to be a completely safe space for her but this is still a positive).

I affirm.the continued 100% ownership by you. No obfuscating. No blameshifting. No gaslighting. You have completely owned the betrayal and the integrity void that led you to it. All you can do is continue to do so and be there for her as much as she lets you.

You certainly do not need my affirmation, but you may need to hear it.

Now the fall out. Much of her initial reaction is completely understandable and expected. In the midst of her cascade of pain, there are positive signs. She could have simply packed and left. She may still but for now, she is there. She has agreed to accompany you to therapy. This is also positive. Whatever she needs to do to heal little by little, I hope she gets it. Rage, vent, weep. All of it. My prayer for her, however, is that she doesnt shut down. Doesnt hold it all in. I did that for a ling time and it prolonged my hurt and pain for a long long time.

A word of caution. Try with all of your might to not wallow in your own pain, guilt and shame. Youve had a lot of time to equip yourself, now its time to implement those tools. Read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal" again. Read it and notate it.

This truly is a new day for you. Painful and sorrowful yes, but now free of the betrayal-born-deceit that has weighed you down for decades.

Strength to you.

Healing, peace and strength to your Wife.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 2:11 PM, Monday, September 8th]

feelingverylow, I signed in today to check in on you. I'm glad that you went through with disclosure. I was praying for you and your wife daily since you started posting.

You are no longer a man who cheats (though you may still need to actively reject wandering thoughts). You are no longer a man who lies through omission (though you may still have to pray about that daily and come clean when you find yourself tempted to lie or hide). But you are mired in shame, and that is not what God intends for you, it is not good for you and it is not good for your wife. I imagine it's hard for the Spirit to be roommates with the amount of shame you carry. You need to do something about that, in the same way that you did something to stop cheating and did something to stop lying. Shame is like death*. It keeps you focused on yourself and stuck. It is toxic. The problem is, we deserve it! We deserve it! That's what keeps us in its grip. We can rationalize, justify, bargain, and it comes crashing through. Shame wants you to pay, pay, pay, a little every day, a little death every day, and it's never paid off. It is not from God. What is from God is JUSTICE. Restoration. A healed person, healed relationships, and a healed world.

You have to actively fight the shame. It doesn't just go away on its own. Do you have ways that you do this already? Have you worked on what to do when a wave of shame hits? I imagine the thoughts as flaming arrows and put up the shields of faith (Ephesians 6 I'm sure you know). I call a friend to pray with me. I think about how I feel toward my own children when they are struggling, and I imagine Jesus reassuring me. Then I am restored enough to get up and be good to others.

I'll keep praying for you and your wife.

*I'm paraphrasing a lot from Maia here

Battling shame is my biggest challenge and really always has been. I am just beginning to see how destructive this has been throughout my life and if you are religious I would say it is Satan's most effective tool against me. I grew up in a conservative religious environment and after my parents divorce I was out of control including being sexually active. Again if you are religious the story of the garden of eden is illustrative about how shame can cause us to hide from God and obviously others. I thought that I had overcome / repented of things from my youth, but in retrospect I have spent my entire life feeling like I had to hide parts of myself out of shame.

My biggest concern was a continued shame spiral when I need to be focused on what I can do to help my wife heal. Last night was rough and I feel totally helpless in how to support my wife. Her superpower is that she has always put everyone's needs before hers, but that can be a fatal flaw when her needs are the top priority. I do not want to force a discussion because I want to talk about things, but we need to continue to talk about this. Very glad we can attend therapy together and my therapist had some ideas on how to move forward with her IC (either with my therapist or another one in their practice). I will be asking for guidance on how I can be most helpful outside of any sessions.

I appreciate the support from this community. I can feel the power in your prayers and the only thing that is keeping me from descending into the darkest of places is faith that healing can come from Christ. I try to think of a future where my wife and I have a marriage that is built on a foundation of honesty and where I can become the husband she deserves. My hope is that we have many years left and if she gives me the opportunity I will spend every one of them working on us so she looks back without regretting giving me a chance to reconcile.

Battling shame is my biggest challenge and really always has been. I am just beginning to see how destructive this has been throughout my life and if you are religious I would say it is Satan's most effective tool against me. I grew up in a conservative religious environment and after my parents divorce I was out of control including being sexually active. Again if you are religious the story of the garden of eden is illustrative about how shame can cause us to hide from God and obviously others. I thought that I had overcome / repented of things from my youth, but in retrospect I have spent my entire life feeling like I had to hide parts of myself out of shame.

My biggest concern was a continued shame spiral when I need to be focused on what I can do to help my wife heal. Last night was rough and I feel totally helpless in how to support my wife. Her superpower is that she has always put everyone's needs before hers, but that can be a fatal flaw when her needs are the top priority. I do not want to force a discussion because I want to talk about things, but we need to continue to talk about this. Very glad we can attend therapy together and my therapist had some ideas on how to move forward with her IC (either with my therapist or another one in their practice). I will be asking for guidance on how I can be most helpful outside of any sessions.

I appreciate the support from this community. I can feel the power in your prayers and the only thing that is keeping me from descending into the darkest of places is faith that healing can come from Christ. I try to think of a future where my wife and I have a marriage that is built on a foundation of honesty and where I can become the husband she deserves. My hope is that we have many years left and if she gives me the opportunity I will spend every one of them working on us so she looks back without regretting giving me a chance to reconcile.

I too am a man of faith (Christian).

The words of St. Paul in his letter to the church in Rome are particularly appropriate, "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit." A promise and a challenge. You can now walk free of self condemnation AND embrace a freedom to walk in an integrity and character youve never known. Beyond that, you need to get very practical about shame spiraling. It is a form of self indulgence. It is a vitality stealer. It keeps you from being present for both you and her. It is very counterproductive and you cannot afford that right now.

Time to put all of that hard work in therapy to use and man up more than you ever have. You can do it. Youve already taken a massive step forward albeit an incredibly painful one.

Day by day sir. Day by day.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:47 PM, Monday, September 8th]

You have sought a way to build a solid foundation on rock rather than sand. The wall that kept connection from flowing has been knocked down. One of the things that helped me heal the shame of it all was showing up when it was her, resisting my strong avoidance and learning to share my inner world and authenticity, and finding I could still be loved despite it.

This led me down a path that I think you already know- I am divinely loved and inherently worthy to God. Trust in him to help guide you and surrender it to him when it gets her to carry.

It’s hard to see it now the storms you will weather will eventually change over to peace. Just do the best you can with each step forward. Take it day by day, hour by hour, stay present and know you did what was needed. You could never fully feel like the man she deserves and if she gives you the chance you have an opportunity to see yourself in that role. This was a good first step for that.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:28 PM, Monday, September 8th]

It's been 20 months since H dropped the bomb. I sat exactly where your wife is sitting now. It was surreal. Still is to be honest.
I will share some things my H has done that have helped me to move forward.

He confessed of his own free will knowing that it could destroy us. (This is big for me. I come back to it over and over)

He has calmly sat through all of my questions, answering everything he possible could.

He has never been angry or annoyed at my constant grilling or repeat grilling

He is very aware of situations that may trigger me and helps to avoid them and/or comforts me if he senses I'm upset or anxious

He gives me space if I need it

He holds me if I need it

He has opened up emotionally, sharing his thoughts and memories (he's never been like this)

My H let his shame spiral into years of angry behavior. He was quite often impatient, critical and unhappy. Never content. He wasted a lot of time that could have been spent building up. Yes, he feels shame, remorse, regret and guilt. But he is now learning how to make these work for our good. He is doing a good job of pulling himself out of that hole and it really helps me to know that I can be open with him and not have to worry about him descending back down. I have no desire to punish him, but I do need to talk about stuff without the added burden.

FVL you will both make it through this. It might not be how you expect, but God does not give us more than we can handle. You have shown courage, integrity and honesty and given your wife truth. To me that isn't cruel.

My goto verse:

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will make your path straight.

My belief is that WS heals WS; BS heals BS; together BS & WS (re)build their M, if they both want to do the work.

IOW, you can provide support to your BS, but she has to heal herself. There are going to be times when your needs conflict. My recos: 1) don't neglect your own healing, and 2) don't use supporting your W as an excuse to avoid working on your own shame and guilt.

In a sense, d-day is d-day for the BS. It's a day of shattered illusions. It's a day of feeling emotions one doesn't ordinarily want to feel. It's the start of a period of immense disorientation. But it's also a start of healing.

I'm concerned that you say your W has always been a giver. Now she has to stop giving so much and take a lot more than she may think she wants. She needs to ask for what she wants clearly. She needs to embrace conflict - recognize it and start resolving it when it's small and more easily solved than if she let's it grow. She's got to learn that 'no' to a request is not rejection of herself. She's got to learn to feel good about rejecting requests herself. She's got to decide what she wants from M, what she wants from you, and whether or not she can get what she wants from continued M with you.

You probably have to learn some of the same things and more.

The late disclosure adds complications that I can't fathom, but IMO the basic healing tasks apply to both of you.

I applaud your courage. I hope your W gets a sense of her strength and her ability to heal quickly.

You have not doomed your W to a life of pain because of your infidelity and years of lying by omission. My W's A is part of our history, but it's only one part of a long, usually happy relationship. Sometimes a memory of the A surfaces when I'm under stress, but it's just an annoyance. If your W works through her feelings and starts taking care of her own needs, she'll reach that state, too. (Don't get me wrong: I wish my W hadn't cheated. But I think we all experience traumas in our lives, and her A is no more than one of the ones I experienced.)

I'm sending mojo to your W for her healing.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:18 PM, Monday, September 8th]

Just returned from therapy and am very emotional. My wife is offering grace beyond anything I could have hoped for. I know decisions are not permanent and we have a long way to go including getting through my formal disclosure, but she has indicated she is all in on the relationship. She sees in me what I want to be and I will do whatever it takes to repay her. My first instinct was to spiral and tell her how I do not deserve this, but all I could do was weep and say thank you.

We are both going to do IC through the disclosure and than evaluate if MC is appropriate. We have some books / homework and I have ordered them for delivery tomorrow.

I saw a post in one of the other forums on if Waywards understand the pain they have or are causing. I do not think I did in the moment as I was able to rationalize that my wife did not love or want me so she would not be too hurt by my actions. I can say now that I am understand at an all to personal level the pain I am causing and also the pain I am feeling. If any wayward (myself included) could see that this is the inevitable outcome of infidelity I believe the rate of infidelity would decrease close to zero with the only holdouts people who are unable to feel.

My wife and I talked more today than we ever have and I feel like the first brick in a new foundation is being built. She is still feeling the raw emotions, did not sleep much last night, and has not had anything to eat today. I know she needs to take care of her physical needs, but her body is not cooperating. I am working on ways the therapist suggested I engage to not overwhelm. I would murder anyone who caused my wife even a small amount of the pain she is feeling and yet that person is me so trying to navigate support is very difficult.

Thanks again for the support of the community. I am still in hell, but I feel hopeful for the first time.

All I can say at this point is I would recommend you do whatever she wants to do. Don't argue with her about things, don't try to correct her, don't defend yourself, just let her say what she will, do what she will and give her what she wants. I can't say what that would be of course, but to me, it's important that you let her take the lead and make whatever decisions she wants. And that includes divorce (which takes time anyway). Right now, it's hard to say what is going to happen because you're in kind of a time freeze where the shock landed but the full effect may not be known for a while. The bomb is still falling. So expect more to be coming and it may get ugly. I'm just warning you to expect this. It may not, but don't be surprised. All you can really do is reiterate your sincerity to change and your own devastation at what you've done to her and to your marriage. Don't hold on to any outcomes here, just accept the fact that when you drop a bomb like this you don't know what the end result will be for either of you. I would draw the line at outright abuse as some people may get abusive when faced with something like this. She doesn't sound like that kind of person but.....go to counseling, and I'd advise you to start some kind of religious life if you don't have one already. This is a time when I think prayer and faith in God and walking the right path now, no matter what happens, are possibly the best things for yourself and maybe for her too. It's almost like it's something bigger than the two people involved. Good luck, and keep posting, there are many good people here and while we may not have answers, we do wish you both well in healing this, whatever form that takes.

I often find in life that the worst thing that can happen to us is the anticipation of what is gonna happen. The things we imagine in our head are often far worse than any reality. I'm often amazed at how worked up I can get about things and then when it happens, it's nothing like it. What you're dealing with right now with her is shock and disbelief and also a sense that whatever she knew about you and her life, is not true. You've got to show her that the man she believed you to be, still does exist in there and that everything was not just some fantasy. Her basic reality has been challenged and that's what makes it so hard going forward. What basis do you build the future on?

I am very aware that this is so early that any conclusions are irrelevant. I am grateful beyond words that she is even willing to try to rebuild what I have shattered. I have no expectations and trying to ask or demand anything is so outside of my thinking that I struggle to find a metaphor to describe the distance.

I will be putting in the work. My heart breaks knowing even if we successfully reconcile I will be the cause of the greatest trauma in her life and the pain will always be there. I will be working on full disclosure and know that will add to the pain. This is not a matter of trickle truth and I answered questions yesterday that I never thought I could answer, but will fill in details that she and her therapist are going to start working on.

I am one that needs to feel like I have a plan that gets to the goal. I am learning to take each day by day and accept what comes. I know there will be so many hard times ahead. I know this sounds wrong from a wayward, but the love I feel for my wife is what triggered the shame and guilt that became overwhelming. The closer I became and the more love I felt the more I could not stand not disclosing what I have done.

I spent hours last night wondering if disclosing was the right thing to do. My wife could not sleep or eat and watching the pain and devastation created doubt. She has said she is glad I told her so regardless of the outcome I feel like I at least gave her the information so she can decide what course we take.