My therapist suggested I try to find some forums to talk to people who have gone through similar experiences. I feel so violated and I usually hate talking about private things but hopefully some of you guys can help. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this.
My partner and I have been together since the beginning of 2013. We have since gone through so much together. I became a nurse, we moved in together, he proposed, and we have had a baby with possibly another on the way. We never got married (my choice) for a bunch of reasons but we have always talked about it. He has always been a kind partner to me and he's a great dad. He grew up in a house with an alcoholic dad and a drug addicted mom who left when he was really young but remained in contact and has milked SO much money from him. He has had multiple partners cheat on him in the past and he is the only person I have ever been with and I mean for EVERYTHING. First love, first kiss. I knew he was the person for me when we first met.
We have had some bumps in the road over the years (what relationship hasn't?) but we have always communicated and reconciled. Back in March he had been acting weird. He has never let me use his phone and when he did he always had to go to the thing I wanted to use it for and he wanted it back right away. I just thought that was him just being him. I caught a glance that he was on some NSFW RP forums one night. When I approached him, he said he avoided that part of it and just wanted to write. He's always had a story he's worked on and we are both into DND. He has never given me reason to doubt him being truthful but it didn't sit well with me, and I knew he was lying when he refused to show me what he had written.
Long story short, I dug and I dug and I eventually found out he has been not only NSFW RPing for years but was addicted to porn. There was one girl he sent dick pics to after asking for nudes.
Worst of all, he had a full blown affair. He had been writing with one girl in particular which led to webcam masturbation, him agreeing to wanting to run away with her, and years of NSFW roleplay. He added both women on Facebook so they've been able to see me for years AND MY BABY which makes me want to puke.
He claims the affair girl manipulated him by saying she was going to k-ll herself if he didn't do what she wanted and he didn't want to let his writing partner go because the story they were making was very good and he didn'twant to lose the only consistent writing partner he had. She tried to hookup in person but when I confronted her on the phone she said he never did anything even though she wanted him to and he also denied doing anything with anyone. I can't believe anything he says because he has never been forthcoming with ANY information.
I recently found out more about the other girl he sent nudes to. He said he did it because he was in the mindset of "well I'm already being a piece of sh-t." They sent each other n-des and NSFW RPed for years. He said he never saw it as cheating, just interactive porn. I said bull, it's not love if you crossed boundaries you KNEW made me extremely uncomfortable, and he never told me because he knew it was wrong. To me it's cheating, period.
He swears up and down that he wanted to tell me and that he felt awful the whole time. I think he's just sorry he got caught. I feel so stupid because for some reason I still love the guy and I want to try to make it work. He was seeing a sex addict therapist for a while but quit because he gave him "gym teacher vibes" whatever that means. I told him he needed to get another one ASAP because he is not magically "cured" just because he sees how hurt I am. He has an appointment next week. We are also trying to work on getting into a couples therapist. Thankfully I get free therapy with my job and she's been so incredibly helpful.
He says he wants to put the effort in to change but how can I possibly believe him? He has done this for SO long. He has since blocked all the people he was involved with and deleted all the accounts associated with all of this crap. He swears he will never do anything like this ever again and wants to be better. I've been watching and he hasn't done anything since that I can tell. I'm just still in so much shock over all of this. Never would I ever have imagined he would do any of this.
Thank you to anyone who read this monster of a post. I would appreciate some kind words and feedback. This is so much to try to process.
