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My WW and I have been in reconciliation for almost a year.

Haven’t had sex in over 6 months.

Lost intimacy well before that.

It’s been almost a year since I found explicit text messages with someone at her work. She lied about it to my face.

Here we are, a week before she’s going to start a new job. She’s finally leaving that place. And she told me it was "because she chose our marriage over the toxic environment."

The new job is better in nearly every way. Close to home, no more watching people pee, no more working with felons, no more long hours or weekend interruptions. I started sleeping in the same room with her again.

I really thought we had turned the corner.

Then this weekend she sends me a video of some deer in the woods. She’s out on a nature walk. It’s become common for her to "clear her head" by going out to parks for 3-4 hours at a time on the weekends. She sends me photos of animals and plants, to both share with me, her husband, and as evidence that she’s just out in the woods by herself, relaxing, decompressing, recharging.

The video of the deer has audio. And a man’s voice can be heard whispering, "This is so cool. They know we’re here but they don’t care." The voice is clear and it sounds close. There’s no muffle despite there being wind and small bird sounds in the background.

It’s as if my wife is directly next to this man and he’s whispering in her ear. I can’t get the sound out of my brain.

I confronted my wife when she got home. But within a few minutes of casually asking her about her time in the woods, I couldn’t hold back my anger. I yelled. I told her I was divorcing her. She shut down, I didn’t get a good answer about who the guy was. She told me something about there being "other people" at the park talking in the background. It sounds like bullshit to me.

After some more yelling and long periods of silence, she cooked dinner (her one night a week) and we never talked about it again. I went to bed early and woke up at 3:30 am, unable to stop watching and listening to the video.

In the morning, we purposely avoided each other as she got ready and left for work.

Hours later, I texted her, "I can’t listen to this video without thinking this guy is so close to you he may be on top of you.

Whoever that is, he’s too close, and he’s talking directly to you. And I deserve the truth."

I’m now waiting for a reply. It’s been an hour.

No, I don’t know how divorce could be avoided at this point, regardless of her reply. But I do deserve the truth. I’ve been working my ass off for the last year trying to fix our marriage.

All I want is for her to tell me the truth, whatever that is.

Her reply:

" You have the truth. I don’t even know which person it was, as there was a group. I did not hear the person in real time, and I did not watch the video beforehand. There is no response from me on the video. I have no way to prove any of this, and I absolutely understand how it looks.

I’m sorry you are now having to second guess everything because of my carelessness. Truly, I am so sorry about so many things. You deserve better than to be here, in this position. I know that."

Me:

" If there’s anything worth saving, you should set up a meeting with the marriage counselor for a time you’re available. My availability will vary, I’m free every day this week and next from 1 to 2 pm."

Her: "Ok."

Me:

" Also, I think we need to spend some time talking about the next steps towards divorce. I want a plan.

As you know, I’ve been concerned about the finances and how best to take care of the kids. I’m prepared to make sacrifices."

Her: "Ok."

Me: " Lastly, I want you to understand that my heart wants to let this go, to make excuses, and to put my head down and carry on. I love you.

But my head is yelling at me full blast saying that I can’t be dumb enough to keep going.

I told you before that "any affair activity" would change things for me, and this qualifies.

Again, if there’s anything left to save, my heart will have me fully engaged with a marriage counselor. But please don’t schedule an appointment if you think it’s a lost cause."

How the hell am I going to get through work today and take care of the kids?

Being an adult is stupid.

I mean… devils advocate is it not possible multiple people were stood watching the deer?

It isn’t wholly insane multiple strangers stood in close proximity to watch deer. Really depends on the circumstance.

By all means investigate more and I’m not saying she’s 100% innocent but there’s a reasonable explanation why a man’s voice appeared on your wife’s video recording of a deer taken in a public place.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this spot. For as much as you don't know how you're going to make it to a better place, you sound like you are approaching this in a smart and mature way.

You've been clear about your boundaries and what you see as a requirement for continuing with the marriage, and you're holding firm.

You laid out your expectation to get the truth, and she....took more than an hour to give you an answer? Was she legitimately tied up during that time, or did she use that time to come up with a weak non-answer?

You're working on what the D path looks like, which is smart. More important than making a plan with her is for you to know what your options are. Have you met with an attorney? If not, consider taking that step as soon as you can.

You've put the ball in her court to set up a marriage counseling session. What she does will be telling. What about IC? Has she (or you) been working with an individual counselor since D-Day? I might consider putting MC on hold and telling her that if she wants to continue with R, she needs to start IC immediately. The marriage isn't the issue, her behavior and choices are the issue.

And...does this situation give you time to step back and reflect on the past year? Is R for nearly a year with no sex for months and no intimacy for much longer the relationship you want or deserve? You didn't share whether things have been improving during R, or whether the relationship has been stuck. Maybe your work right now is to think about whether - if what you have right now is as good as it'll ever be - your heart really wants this to go on.

You may be back in a spot where you have to take things day by day or even hour by hour, but you will get through this. Sending strength.

Frankly... Her story is plausible.
I find it extremely careless if she’s recording to send you and if her lover was talking that clearly to her. I would imagine that if the goal of the recording is to sooth you, she would have started again, asking him to be quiet.

But... It could also be that she’s meeting OM there.

However... you don’t really describe a marriage that is trying to reconcile...
If she’s taking 3-4 hours to hike on weekends, then that’s time you could be spending as a family. Has she asked you along on these hikes?

@kindern

Yep. Totally possible that she’s telling the truth. She went to the park (I use this term loosely here, as it’s more wilderness than anything), people were there, deer showed up, all of them watched the deer, some guy my wife didn’t even notice said something in the background in a whisper but the phone recorded it as if he was close enough to feel up my wife. Completely plausible, and logically I would like to believe that’s what happened- nothing.

The problem is that even though I’m not following her around, not snooping on her phone, not telling her she can’t go places or do things, not interrogating her or making her take a lie detector test, this kind of shit just keeps happening.

There’s always something going on that strains my patience. And my wife doesn’t do a good job making me feel very safe. In fact she usually just makes me feel worse the more she explains anything.

The whole reason she’s going to the park/woods is to be by herself. So why is she with a group of people? Probably just because she’s friendly. But my PTSD’d ass doesn’t know that. So here we are…

@arnold01

It’s been about a year. We’re both in IC. We were both in MC, but that ended in a horrible train wreck. Our MC was not good.

I found a new one that I think should be good. Well educated, well spoken. Talked to her over the phone last month and was impressed. But because my wife was switching jobs, she didn’t have a lot of flexibility to make MC appointments during the day. She just texted me back that she’s going to make an appointment with the new MC for us.

Yes, I had talked with an attorney several months ago because things were going so poorly and I felt ignorant of my options. Now I know I have basically no options, in the words of the lawyer "you’re screwed (financially)".

@bigger

I think we have been in reconciliation, it just was far from optimal and it’s been failing.

She’s shown some improvement, it’s been obvious that she’s been trying, especially more recently.

But the foundation of our marriage is completely fucked because she continues to say that it was a mistake to ever marry me in the first place. So I see all her actions through that lens. I see all her words filtered by that narrative. So when anything happens that is challenging to my sense of safety in the relationship, it’s an incredible amount of weight for me to carry. It has been, it continues to be, and it’s not sustainable for me to keep holding the weight of being in a marriage that was "a mistake ".

Last night when I confronted her, I told her all this (again). Her response was "I stand by what I said ".

The MC might be able to help here, but if not I’m gone. I don’t have it in me to stay in this anymore. That simply can’t be the narrative of my marriage. She asked me to marry her, btw, knowing exactly who I was and wasn’t. If it was a mistake, ok she’s entitled to her own opinion, but my opinion also matters, and I don’t think it was a mistake, I think we just made mistakes and if we want to stay together we need to learn from them. There’s an important difference between wanting to go back in time and never marry in the first place, and having regrets that you (we) didn’t do things differently.

To be clear, you haven't been in Reconciliation for almost a year; you've remained married. There is a difference. Reconciliation means that your wife takes accountability for her actions and actively works on rebuilding the marriage; she has done neither (other than humor you with some disastrous and/or unproductive MC sessions).

Instead, she says she regrets marrying you, she's withdrawn all intimacy from you, and has made it clear through her actions that she's only staying because she doesn't want to deal with the financial and logistical challenges of divorce.

It's entirely possible that she's telling the truth and that there were other people in the park observing the deer. But if that was the case, then the proper response is to show you empathy and compassion for the trauma that you've suffered and acknowledge her own wrongdoing. Simply put, her reaction was not indicative of a person who is anywhere close to remorseful for her past actions.

Lastly, don't tell your wife that you want to divorce if you don't mean it. I don't think that you're serious about getting divorced and I think your wife is calling your bluff on it, too. Of the many mistakes a BS can make in the wake of infidelity is to threaten a consequence but not follow through with it because the message you're sending is that you're all talk and no action.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:55 PM, Tuesday, September 2nd]

@biggerthanblue

Thanks again for your analysis. I feel alone, and weighed down by the realities of my situation. Four kids, finances, and a heart that doesn’t want to regret a divorce years later.

My WW is still a human being, flawed yes, but someone that I will always care about. She’s always going to be the mother of our children. And despite her feelings of being miserable, I was very happy in the marriage for years and still believe she was (past tense) a great wife and mother.

If I won the lottery I would file for divorce the same day. Because I could ensure that everyone involved could be taken care of as they deserve to be. It’s not about showing strength, it’s about being strong and continuing to do what is best for my family in spite of how difficult it may be in the short term. I’m 52 years old, 1-3 more years sorting out the financial situation isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things.

If I need sex, I can jerk off. If I need intimacy, I’ll read a book. If I need friendship, I’ll wait til my cats get playful or want to curl up and take a nap. But what I won’t do is be a force of chaos to my kids and turn this thing into a shit show because an online bully told me I wasn’t cool or whatever the fuck.

I don’t expect you to understand, only for you to think you understand. Thank you for meeting my expectations again.

4characters, I’m not criticizing you for remaining married; I perfectly understand why you wouldn’t want to be destitute or disrupt your kids lives.

If you want to stay and have a marriage of convenience, at least until your kids are grown, that’s fine… but you can’t delude yourself into thinking that you are in reconciliation or have any meaningful relationship with your wife when she has made it perfectly clear that she is emotionally and physically checked out of the relationship.

You might be content jerking off and reading a book in lieu of sex and emotional intimacy, but I don’t think you can say the same for your wife. If you’re not willing to get divorced, then you need to make peace with the fact that you are her room mate/babysitter and then she is getting her romantic needs met elsewhere.

But if her cheating is unacceptable to you, then your only option is divorce… because that’s the only option she’s given you. If divorce is something that you’re unable to follow through with, at least at this time, then don’t threaten her with it. She knows you don’t mean it, and whenever you make empty threats, you undermine your own credibility.

As a mother, I can’t imagine telling the father of my children that my marriage was a mistake. My parents had a very acrimonious divorce and couldn’t stand each other for most of my life, but they always said that they were glad they married, if only because they had me. Her level of contempt is truly sickening.

Lastly, I don’t appreciate being referred to as an "online bully"; if anything, I’m trying to be the tough kid who has your back when a bully is trying to smack you down, as your wife is. But if my time and advice style is not your cup of tea, I’ll happily stay off your threads going forward.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:56 AM, Wednesday, September 3rd]

4C, just let go of the rope. You keep trying to pull yourself, and your very heavy marriage, up and over a mountain but you keep slipping back. You are exhausted because you have not made it up one inch only to fall back.
Make a decision for yourself. If you can live with this marriage then live with it. If you can’t figure out how to do the next step.

because she continues to say that it was a mistake to ever marry me in the first place.

You deserve better than this.

She’s basically telling you that you are her plan B.

I’m suggesting you skip marriage counseling and spend your $ on a good D attorney.

As posted earlier — her 3-4 hour weekend hikes are time she should be spending with you, forming a deeper bond and connection. Or inviting you on some of those hikes w/ her.

You may be financially responsible for $ to her for a period of time. But……it will not be forever. And you get one chance in life and I think you deserve far better than the marriage you have.

There are many more emotionally mature women out there with morals and integrity that better align with your values. Being stuck in a one sided relationship is exhausting and honestly I don’t think a MC can "fix" anything here.

Sorry you are facing this again. After reading your initial post, everyone's feedback and your replies, I too encourage you to value yourself much much more. I too tried to hang in there in large part "for the kids" but also because I cared for her...and wasted neary ten years of my life before it ended. We were never really in reconciliation in large part because she was never truly remorseful and my care for her would never make her so.

I recommend that you consult an attorney to find out your rights. Start the process of disentagling your lives. There may be part of her that cares about you but not nearly enough, not even enough to give you, a betrayed spouse, a plausible reason (if there is such a thing under these circumstances) why her "solo" hikes include another man.

Sometimes we have a very hard time accepting that the ws is exactly who they are showing themselves to be. I know I did.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 11:58 AM, Wednesday, September 3rd]

I hung in there for the kids for years until finally divorcing earlier this year. And turns out the kids weren't blind or ignorant. Kids are observant and smart, and they notice everything.

I thought I was staying for them and for the family, and instead I gave them a daily example of what a not-loving and not-healthy marriage looks like. I think every day about whether I've doomed them to unsuccessful relationships of their own, since they've never seen a healthy and positive partnership thanks to XWH and me.

The lessons they've learned about what it means to act with integrity, be a caring human being, show strength and resilience in the face of adversity, and be a loving parent came during the divorce and since.

Just offering another way to think about the choice between hanging in there for the next three years and divorcing now.

I want to second the suggestion that you two might be confusing reconciliation with remaining married.
Reconciliation is the ACTIVE pursuit of reconciling a marriage. Remaining married is simply hoping that time teaches you two to adapt to a new form of quasi-marriage.

One thing both of you need to realize is the simple fact that the ONLY real thing that makes you married to her, and her married to you, is that you want to be married to her, and vice versa.
It’s really that simple: If YOU don’t want to be married then what she wants isn’t relevant. Just like if she doesn’t want this marriage then she can get out no matter what you want.

There might be a gazillion practical reasons for a marriage, but honestly none of them should or could stop either one of you from getting out.
Like the kids... Plenty of people successfully coparent. Finances... People adapt and cope. Family... Think you will be the first divorced person in your extended family?
When you break down all the practical excuses you eventually end with the simple want: I want this marriage, or I want out. It’s not "I want this marriage for the financial security" because that security can be found elsewhere, but rather "I want this marriage because of you".

I think that if you two can sit down and accept that you BOTH have the option of ending this marriage then you can have the serious decision about what you want.
Like if she insists that marrying you was a mistake... well... the only real mistake would be to remain married. That’s like continuously trying to walk through a brick wall. If she says these two conflicting statements: I want this marriage and I think this marriage is a mistake... then it’s up to you to realize that this won’t work. Her words and actions collide.
Using the same logic about the ONLY reason to remain married is the mutual wish to be so, then that should tell you that no matter what YOU want, the fact SHE doesn’t want this marriage really only leaves you with the option of divorce.

I recently went through the recovery process of a torn muscle in my left foot. During the healing I had to rely on a crutch to help me walk. When I stopped using the crutch I experienced concern and fear when dealing with steps, but after several attempts I got over that fear. I think you two might be using the status-quo of the marriage as a crutch, and you both fear what might lay ahead. I encourage you both to realize that whatever is ahead – reconciliation OR divorce – is better than what you have now.

If this "confrontation" where you dig into what you want leads you both to acknowledge you want this marriage then your next step is to enter some sort of plan to work at that. This could be MC, a total change in accountability and honesty, time spent together... whatever.
If your decision is that you don’t want the marriage then your best way forward is a realistic expectation of divorce, and finding ways to ensure you can successfully coparent.

--
Regarding her 3-4 hour walks alone...
Wife and I went through a very tough patch some years ago. One thing we did to even things out was to spend time in each other’s presence. Like instead of me taking the dog for the evening walk we took the dog for his walk. Didn’t have to hold hands or talk, just be in each other’s presence. Same with the gym: we would arrange to be there at the same times even if we took separate classes/sessions. I would have expected a couple working at reconciliation to have taken 3-4 hours of weekend time – prime family time – to walk together or even with the kids. To me her choice says a lot.

What Bigger says about time alone together as a couple is very wise. My husband and I, despite our problems, get along very well together and spend a lot of time together, sometimes too much, lol. But it means we have mutual experiences, we see the same things and people, it gives us something to talk about, shared experiences, even very casual ones like walking are very important in building and strengthening a bond. It's the ordinary average things of daily life that provide the glue for a relationship. That she spends so much time on the w/e's for hours just doing whatever....well, some people do like alone time but I don't think this is the time for that in your relationship. Of course you wonder what she's REALLY doing especially when you hear another male voice on the tape. Who wouldn't wonder. Yeah, maybe there's someone else there but they'd have to be pretty close. And....she's lied to you before. The only way to know what she's doing is for you to be there. Frankly, if this were me, with my suspicious nature, I'd probably shut up about this right now and then maybe follow her discreetly out there and see what she's really doing. Or have someone else do it, like a PI. Otherwise, if you're still this suspicious (and I would be too)....you probably should just go for the D. Something's always going to flare up. Why live with suspicion?

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies. (Even from the tough love section.)

Wife and I discussed divorce at length for the first time last night. It wasn’t a fun conversation but we did it. Nothing was decided, just a lot of what if’s.

Afterwords, my wife broke down in tears in front of our son. The kids don’t know what’s going on exactly, but they "know" we’re having a lot of problems.

She called a new MC that I picked out, but had to leave a message. Not sure if it will help, but I need to give it one last try while working in parallel to get the finances in better shape.

I had previously spoke to an attorney and know what my options are. Because I make a lot more, she could really indenture me for essentially forever, the only "relief" coming when I lose my job or retire.

Here’s the thing about me talking about divorce. When I talk about it, I mean it. I’m not crying wolf. But it’s defensive and triggered by events that I’m just not able to handle in the moment (like hearing a man’s voice on a video where my wife appears to be in the thick of the woods and is supposed to be alone.)

In those moments (and there have been a few over the last year) I just want out. But later when she’s near me, and after I see her vulnerable and crying in front of our son, I just want to help fix whatever the problem is.

I do not think my wife is having an affair with someone in the woods. But I don’t know that, and I’m frankly beyond the point where I want to snoop around and chase after her trying to figure it out.

I’m not planning to stay in a marriage of convenience. There’s nothing convenient about any of this. I honestly think the hardest thing for me to do is stay. But I also think that I have good practical reasons to stay, at least until I don’t anymore (like when the finances are in order).

I’ve been totally transparent with my wife about all of this. And she asked me yesterday, "Is the only reason you’re staying because of the finances?" I told her the truth, no I said. That’s just the main reason. I don’t want to get a divorce, I love you. But I can’t be in a marriage that was a mistake.

Your pain and exhaustion are palpable, and I’m so sorry you’re back in this gut-wrenching spot. The man’s voice on the video is a brutal trigger, and whether it’s innocent or not, it’s understandable why it’s eating at you—her past lies and the lack of intimacy make trust nearly impossible. Her "group of people" explanation might be plausible, but her history and dismissive response don’t inspire confidence. You deserve clarity, not more doubt.
Her saying your marriage was a mistake is a dagger, especially when paired with her lack of effort to rebuild intimacy or safety. Reconciliation requires two people actively rebuilding, not just coexisting. Her solo 3-4 hour hikes, while possibly innocent, are time stolen from reconnecting with you and the kids. That’s not reconciliation—it’s avoidance. Her tears and vague promises aren’t enough without consistent, transparent action.
You’re clear about your limits, and that’s strength. Talking divorce shows you’re not bluffing, but her "ok" responses and lack of urgency suggest she’s checked out. Financial fears are real, especially with four kids, but staying in a marriage where you feel like Plan B is soul-crushing. Consult another attorney to explore creative ways to protect yourself financially—sometimes a second opinion uncovers options.
Don’t let her vulnerability guilt you into staying in a broken dynamic. Kids pick up on tension; staying in a loveless marriage models dysfunction, not stability. If MC is your last shot, set clear expectations: she needs to own her choices, cut out solo escapes, and rebuild trust with actions, not words. If she can’t, prioritize your peace and your kids’ future.