SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

40+ year marriage. Both professionals and well-known in the community. He "became impotent" 25 years ago and only patted me on the shoulder in bed at night once in a blue moon and would not have known if I had gotten a full torso tattoo. Dutiful wife here "has to accept" his impotence problem even though he refuses to do anything to alleviate my very present needs even when I beg him to get medical help. BTW, I was repeatedly offered professional modeling positions over the years and have always had a very high sex drive, so he did not have those as reasons to cheat.

Turns out he was having an emotional affair (which I left him for two years because he admitted he wouldn't stop and he loves her). I figured he was just soaking up the constant flattery she gave to soothe his flagging mojo. I mean, after all, he couldn't have sex, so he was just behaving like a fool right?

I moved back in due to a family emergency since he also supposedly had zero contact with the AP since I moved out, and then I find out three years ago that being impotent was a lie. Two years ago he has a medical emergency and his oxygen saturation is so low that he starts confessing in glorious, locker-room like detail to it being a full-blown affair the whole time. At that point I still think it ended back when I moved out. He becomes even more unwell two weeks later and I figure out it never stopped, at least certainly not for years after I moved out and back in he swore he had no contact. Only when Covid made everyone stay home did it likely stop. And he has the nerve to tell me that I must have known (implied accepted him doing her) because "no one could possibly have believed all the lies I told you!" At the same time, he had been afraid had I found out I might have done her harm or worse (she is well known to me, and had promised me that if I helped her she would make sure he never got into an affair with anyone since she too is married and knows how important my marriage is to me).

I'm not going to go into details of why I can't leave at this time but suffice it to say I am acutely aware of the legal, financial and health ramifications should I try to do so, and those have kept me here. He is nice to me for two years now, for the first time in our marriage after a relative called him out on having been verbally and emotionally abusive to me the whole time. Had he treated me like that from the start and not cheated, it would have been amazing. Or at least I would not be here now. I had a very abusive childhood and had never fully realized how horribly he treated me because I was used to that conduct.

Tonight as I watched him and our kids and grandkids swimming, it hit me like a freight train how wonderful this would all have been had he not betrayed me every way possible for decades. There is not a ten minute stretch of time, day or night, when I don't remember the affair and there are triggers everywhere. I have been in counseling the whole time since he begged me to go with him to couple's counseling to keep the marriage together after her confessed. He quit after a bit, and I am still going as it helps cope with all the life changes and learn to get my self-esteem back since he gaslighted me for decades, telling me I was crazy for suspecting them of an affair. Even after he confessed, when the therapist asked me what I found positive about him, I said "his integrity," and the therapist told me in detail why there was no integrity in every lie, plan, act, and betrayal, and he was absolutely correct.

Tonight I felt like I was whooshed practically back to D-day again emotionally, seeing everyone so happy and knowing how different it all could have been. I resent what he did for those decades soooooo much tonight! I now can see what a happy family looks like and I know I never had it. He swears he loves me and I do know he finally has learned to appreciate me but that is not the love I deserve. To all outward appearances to others, I had been doing well for the last few months until this evening. I had resigned myself to staying and just basically making do with what I could of the relationship. But the triggers from seeing them all happy made me so mad at him all over again for the lies and the betrayals that ruined any chance at happiness or a trusting marriage, that I am not sure how to stuff the pieces of hurt back in the box and carry on again.

Does it ever stop?

You are in a tough spot and I am glad you are in IC still. You have to accept that you have chosen to stay. Easier said than done for sure. Your reasons for staying are not uncommon, but in the end it is your choice. And you are right - he screwed up what could have been a lovely life.

(BTW my WS also stopped having sex with me and he was having prostrate issues so I thought I was being understanding. He actually felt like h e was cheating on the AP when he had sex with me ).

This is a shit sandwich that no one should have to eat, but here we are. Keep working with your IC and keep building and expanding your life without him. Surround yourself with friends that love and support you. Accept his companionship but be honest about what he can and can’t give you. And somehow accept it without the resentment. That will only eat at you.

It’s hard. If it is too hard then re-evaluate if you can leave. But for now, remind yourself that you are there by choice and make the very best of it while being honest about him and who he is today.

Hang in there and remember you can change your mind anytime.

I had resigned myself to staying and just basically making do with what I could of the relationship. But the triggers from seeing them all happy made me so mad at him all over again for the lies and the betrayals that ruined any chance at happiness or a trusting marriage, that I am not sure how to stuff the pieces of hurt back in the box and carry on again.

I don't think it stops when this is your mindset. I tried to "make do" for a while, to stuff my feelings in a box, to have a marriage of convenience, but feelings will make themselves known. You have to deal with them, *he* has to deal with them (with your feelings, and his), and the two of you have to keep working together to get through them. Usually if you are just "making do," that means he isn't an active participant in your healing, and R (reconciliation) is likely to fail as resentment builds.

In the meantime, something that might help you cope (and you might've heard this from your therapist) is that feelings are also transient. The intensity will rise and fall, and in the thick of it, you will feel awful, but if there are good feelings that you get from him and the relationship, those good feelings will eventually come back. You can try to remind yourself of this when you are feeling terrible.

And finally, it's okay to feel grief and anger over what he's done to you. Give yourself permission to feel it, to "ruin the moment" so that you aren't fighting yourself.

I’m sorry you were so mistreated by your H.

The betrayed mindset is very hard to understand and overcome.

My H had two affairs and was very adamant about D me during his last (midlife crisis) affair. How we reconciled is nothing short of a miracle but here are a few things that helped me overcome it all.

Do I look at my H the same way? Hell no!

Do I put myself first? Every single day.

Do I focus on him and the marriage? Absolutely not. At dday2 I created a completely different marriage. I don’t do his errands or laundry. I don’t cater to him at all. I put him first for decades — but now it’s time for me.

I created my own social life that has nothing to do with him. My own friends and activities.

I also decided that every second I spent focusing on his affairs was time I spent being unhappy and I wasn’t going to let his cheating impact my life in a negative way for one more minute. It took me 2 years to stop letting it impact me negatively.

I try to just live in the moment and make the best of each day. I don’t want to be angry about things — life is too short.

I hope this helps you.

A huge thank you for the astute advice from BearllyBreathing, NoThanksForTheMemories and The1stWife. It just helps to know that others understand. I would never wish this on anyone though. Right now I am more caregiver to the family and spouse than anything else. Due to my husband's severe medical issues of late, the house doors are left unlocked and often fully open at night because of mental glitches until I patrol again and make sure everything is taken care of and shut. Everything we had worked for all these years is similarly in potential jeopardy so there is no leaving without a huge amount of changes which would ruin the others' lives as they know it. There is probably also no chance of regaining other aspects of the marriage due to those same medical problems. The very unfairness of the situation rankles, considering he is willing to "make it all up to me for the rest of [my] life" but that isn't possible.

It took me a bit of time to calm down to where I realized what triggered me so badly about the pool scenario. I finally realized that they are all happy as can be all complements of my sucking it up and staying to be maid, babysitter, secretary, advisor, financial mainstay, etc. Everyone becomes upset and starts to panic if I even infer that I might want/need to leave. So long as their needs are covered by me, life for them is good. The message is clear that I should just get over this and suck it up because they need me to. The contrast between their complete happiness and me silently being torn internally in the midst of one of the strongest episodes of being triggered just seemed obscene. It is also like he paid no penalty since he is getting even more from me these days due to his medical issues. In return I get to fight myself to stuff down the emotions from episodes of trickle truths and realizations of other betrayals it took me this long to finally figure out. The two of them had even made up lies about me to justify their actions, and spread them at our mutual work, which I recently realized was the reason why things suddenly took a turn for the worse professionally for me.

Congratulations to those of you who managed to find a way to stay and cope fairly well. Every time I feel a flash of love for him it suddenly pulls me up short realizing he was never that person to begin with and I was in love with a figment of my own imagination. Now not only living with the new reality of the medical, but not knowing who he really is makes for quite the sea change. At least this version of him now is a lot more like he publicly treated his AP, so that much is better. Thank you all again.