SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi!

So my D-Day was back at the end of June, although I expected troubles and trust issues with my partner, here are a few things I didn't expect. Now I know I chose not to leave at the time, I chose to breathe and not react, maybe I chose all of these to happen to me, but I wondered if anyone else saw the same.

•Constantly irritated by people
• Loss of appetite
• Always anxious
• Cycle has become longer (I'm always 28 days)
• I don't want to get out of bed and I'm tired most of the time, my sleeping is also terrible and I tend to scroll until 2/3am.
• I can cry at a random inconvenience (yesterday I almost cried because my favourite cafe had just sold the last brownie I wanted to the guy in front of me)

Is this some kind of trauma response? I want it to stop

Totally normal and may continue for months. When the brain gets whacked like it does upon the discovery of an affair everything gets scrambled and it takes a very long time for everything to settle

I think it took me several months before I felt like I could stand on my own two feet and I finally came to the realization that I didn't need her in my life so if this didn't work out I would be just fine moving on and hopefully starting over with someone new

I hadn't realized how my life totally revolved around her. I had no social life unless we did something with someone she knew and I was content with that because I was happy and I thought she was. I lost interest in my hobbies and it was my therapist who suggested I find something to do that did not involve my wife so I found a group on Meetup that plays sand volleyball once a week

I was scared when I told her that I joined this group and I was going to start playing sand volleyball and it was just for me, she couldn't be there. I said you have a social network at work, you see people 5 days a week that you interact with and if there's an event for employees only I can't go so I need something for me that is separate from you

The first time I went it was amazing. I had forgotten how to socially interact with people without my wife being there and I had so much fun. I did get bothered one time when I saw a couple in the group holding hands and I thought my wife should be here with me but then I realized no, I need something just for me. I need a social network that I can lean into if my marriage ends.

One night early on in R, after I had started playing volleyball, I asked what if I sent you a text that read leaving the courts and going to someone's house. She said I would not be comfortable with that. A minute later she said no wait, that's ridiculous, I trust you and I wouldn't be upset and I thought BS. The reason I asked that question is because she had gone out with coworkers at the end of the school year on a Friday to a bar and sent me a text at one point saying "leaving the bar going to someone's house, might be late." Allegedly a group of coworkers went to a coworker's house.

When she got home at 1030p I was fuming, we started arguing and she managed to gaslight me into believing I was wrong for being upset about her text.

Maybe the opportunity will present itself where a group of us decide to go somewhere after we finish playing and I can send her the same cryptic message and then ignore my phone until I get home

Again, another one of my long-winded responses. It might take several months until you feel stable again. A good IC can help you along this path

Absolutely is a Trauma response. When I first found out, I had no clue why I was acting so profoundly. After some research I found there was a real thing called Betrayal Trauma, which is said to rival trauma experienced in combat.

Become educated first and foremost. Get book cal Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays. Go to YouTube and search Jake Porter and watch his videos. You will learn much. Hang in their.🙏

I completely relate to your post.
So many physical things, my cycle which was 28 days for my entire adult life became 40, then next opened and took 5/6 months to regulate. I also lost a ton of hair. Which really mad me mad as I love my hair and it was falling out by the brush full.
It also lasted 4-6 months. I guess my body regulated but it did take time and felt like yet another injustice.

Yes to the hair falling out! A dermatologist once told me that can be caused by severe trauma. BINGO.

Just so happened that my D-Day 1 coincided with me turning 51 that year and hitting natural menopause. (I've always wondered if that was a factor, but reading here, I now know many much younger women have experienced the same betrayal, so it MUST have just been a coincidence.....?) And the spike in my blood pressure started then and never abated due to no R and living in limbo for years waiting for 'the other shoe to drop.' That kind of stress and lack of a safe base really CAN kill you, your body stays stuck in fight or flight mode. Now I have heart damage that may not be fixable.

After Dday 1, my stomach was in knots and I had no appetite. It was the weight loss trick I never wanted. I had a terrible time with my sleep. I would wake a lot during the night, and was up for hours. I didn't have the time or privacy to cry like I needed to, which led to big sobbing breakdowns in the car and shower whenever I had the chance.

After my most recent Dday I had the same appetite and sleep issues, but they weren't as intense for as long. The crying thing is weird though. Instead of big sobbing cries, when I am having a bad day I notice that I have a more quiet, less intense reaction. It's like my eyes just start leaking. Today is one of those leaky days.

There's also Broken Heart Syndrome, among other things. Done people get lesions on their brains that are similar to those of people who have had a stroke. With heightened levels of crtisol, there are other issues can occur.

Total normal reaction. Take extra good care of yourself. Eat healthfully, drink lots of water (crying dehydrates!), get sleep if you can, and get some daily exercise. This all helps your body, your mind, and your emotional regulation. If you are still struggling, see your doctor. Many of us used anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds for a while to help with the crazy mood swings.

I was 49 when my DDAY hit and my lovely doctor kept me on the pill so I wouldn’t go into menopause right away - the risks of being on it at the age outweighed the cons at that point. But the last thing I needed was crazy hormones .

As mentioned, these effects can have lasting impacts on your health long term, so really focus on you and your health. It’s a great time to take up an exercise that exhausts you a bit - helps you sleep, burns off that nervous energy, and releases endorphins. Pickle ball? Walking or running? Yoga or Pilates or Zumba or weight lifting? Whatever feels right to you.

But do it daily if you can. Just walking does wonders. (And I often was crying while walking…🤷‍♀️ it was a good release.)

Focus on YOU.

Trauma affects each of us differently. But what you are experiencing is normal. And hopefully subsides on its own.

I remember from dday1 to dday2 (6 months) I was lucky to sleep 45 minutes a night. Seriously it was bad - that bad.

What irked me was the cheating H had no problems sleeping at all.

At dday2 when I had enough and told him I was D him, then it was his turn to have trouble sleeping. Me? Not so much

I does get better. It’s just a slow process.

One thing that helped me is that I have a playlist for my daily walks. It’s a revenge playlist and many of the songs are about cheaters. Think "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood and the newest one by Kaylee Rose "that’s cheating".

Works for me!

I haven’t slept well for the last year. I haven’t had 8 hours since I found out. I average about 4-5.

I was at around 2-3 the first few months.