SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Are the nightmares where the affair partner (ex bff) comes to my home and tells me she’s never going away, she’s always going to be in my life and my kids want to be with her too, normal?

I know it’s not realistic, the children are as traumatized by the affair as I am, we live in a small neighborhood and my daughter (16 years old and the one who discovered the affair) and I saw her at the shops, the other day, my poor daughter freaked out and I literally had to hug her tight in my chest, she was shaking as the ex bff walked past.

Last night the dreams were vivid and I woke myself up as I rolled around, in the dream she was clinging onto my back so I couldn’t push her out of the house.

Sparkle

Feeling crazy but hoping to one day be vaguely normal again.

The nightmares are part of your brain processing. They suck. But over time they diminish.
And so sorry your DD has to deal with this all so directly. WS really don’t think this stuff through, do they?

One day at a time, Sparkle.

The nightmares can be a symptom of PTSD. You may also wish to look up PISD (post-infidelity stress disorder), which doesn't have a specific diagnosis in the DSM manual (the one mental health folks use to establish a diagnosis.)

Your DD (darling daughter) may have had a panic attack, another lovely option that can occur due to infidelity. Is she in IC? It may help her deal with the situation.

It's nice to know that you have someplace to ask if this is normal. It's also very sad to come here and have people say that yes, this is normal for what you're going through.

One thing that you can work on if you don't like the dream is to internally tell yourself that you don't like this dream and you want to "change the channel" so to speak. (Dream something else.) I could often change to another dream, but it would morph back into another nightmare and I'd have to try again.

I am so sorry for you and your daughter.

Will the dreams subside? Yes they will. It may take time but they will become a distant memory some day. But for now they are there and hit the betrayed like a sucker punch.

I hope you are very low contact with the cheaters. I don’t know how your daughter feels about her dad (other than anger) but she’s been betrayed too.

I hope the cheater / father is doing everything possible to help your daughter. He needs to take the hits and man up to be there for her. Even if healing takes years between them he needs to understand that he has to admit his wrong doing and apologize for it. For as long as it takes

Nope. Not normal at all. You're certifiable.

The nightmares subsidie after a while. You'll get there, one night at a time.

My nightmares are horrible, they always seem to come after some kind of trigger and then I will go a long while without any. I am 19 months from d day and I feel like I had a long period that was good and lately they have come back.

Everyone that says they get better and go away, how long did it take for you?

Three years of almost nightly nightmares. Several per night. They stopped shortly after I decided to D and moved into my own place.

Mine lasted about a year and a half, but they more like once a week, not nightly. I still have a nightmare every so often (I'm more than 2.5 years from dday1), but they've been more mundane things like travel anxiety (missing a flight) rather than about the affair.

I found that doing some coherent breathing before bed makes it easier to fall asleep, and it helps calm your sympathetic nervous system, which is the source of a lot of anxiety. You can also ask your doctor for medications. Certain ones specifically help reduce vivid dreams and nightmares.

Thanks guys!

This is fresh. We are new to this stuff, this all happened in July when I moved my son back into his college apartment and my daughter stayed back with her dad. (I feel like it’s slightly abnormal to not know the exact date, off hand, maybe it’s something that I will look up at some point, I guess I don’t want to think about that atm?) honestly, I don’t even know what the date is today?

My ex bff is completely cut off from my life, except she lives just two blocks from my house, I’m pretty sure she is avoiding me (as she should be) but I know these times where we are in the same place at the same time are inevitable.

She had the audacity to send me a text saying she’s sorry for the hurt she has caused my family, after contacting a mutual friend and asking if I was ok. The mutual friend told her that if she had one tiny piece of respect for me that she would tell her own husband about the affair, so I didn’t have to. I didn’t reply, just pressed the block button, changed my garage door remote code (she as my bff could get into my home any time) and started locking my doors at all times.

I’m grateful she did tell her husband although, I suspect he got a different story to what I would have given). I know she told him because he messaged me telling me life sucks and saying how awful it all is.

She was also a client at my work but has since requested the medical records to be sent to another clinic so I’m glad we didn’t have to fire her (although I suspect office manager would have had some joy doing that).

I also received a box of "things" she had of mine at my front door. I can’t return hers as I’ve thrown out everything I had of hers and everything she’s ever given me. I also threw out my couch (where they were making out when caught), and ordered a new mattress and all new sheets for my bed.

My husband is currently living in my guest room and he is showing remorse. The kids are angry, very angry, and he knows it. Hes currently walking on tiptoe around the house and apologizing every chance he gets, he assures me he has cut her off. I’ve suggested he find a counselor (I started talking to counselors the day after I found out, until I found the one I needed). I’m unsure if my husband has found one, that’s on him.

I’ve no idea how my home dynamics will evolve from here, no idea if I can ever trust him again, not sure if I want to. All I know is seeing his face makes me sad, mad, angry and disgusted.

Good news is last night I took a klonopin and knocked myself out, I do remember dreaming but nothing upsetting.

The nightmares are awful but I believe it’s the brain still trying to process and sort what happened while you are sleeping. I also believe it is an effect of PTSD.

I still get an occasional nightmare since I’ve divorced that my ex is trying to get back together with me and I’m usually trying to get away from him or telling him I don’t love him anymore.

The nightmares suck for sure but thank god they are nightmares and not real but they are still hard and sometimes feel the residual affects from them throughout the day.