SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes, I had that phone call with an attorney’s office just an hour ago and he is emailing contract stuff for a retainer for mediation. When this falls through in October, and I’m pretty sure it will, I will have all the paperwork ready to go.

And yes, it’s hard to swallow the promises at this point. I’ve prepped the kids, (Dad and I are having some pretty significant problems, we are really trying to work them out. We love you both, nothing will change that, not your fault, yada yada.) and they’re ready if this happens.

I think I’m a slow to adopt change person, but once it happens, I’m there. Almost there….. just tidying up some messes I have.

He is competing against me enjoying solitude. And frankly, that’s pretty fucking hard to beat. I’m great company.

The peace and contentment that I've found since D has been priceless. It was rough going for the first part, but I'm so glad to be away from XWH's behavior and control.

Hang in there and vent away when needed.

Asking for clarity-

When you knew you needed a divorce, was it like you still missed them and felt sad, but knew you needed to take the medicine of divorce and everyone will feel better?

In other words, this feels ego dystonic to me. Should it? I am guessing it will (it will feel like I don’t want to do it, right? Even though I know it’s best?)

Oh, yes. I felt sad and grieved for some time. My XWH wasn't going to be a safe partner and I was tired of how he treated me. It was better for me & my health (both mental & physical) to be done with the M and file for D.

Plus, I'd told him if he had inappropriate contact with anybody, I'd D him. Well, he did, so we are now D. Doesn't mean I wasn't sad about it, and I did cry at times.

Now, I wish I'd D him a long time ago. Life is so much better and I'm having all kinds of fun. I can do what I want & not have to worry about his wishes & no more walking on eggshells.

When you knew you needed a divorce, was it like you still missed them and felt sad, but knew you needed to take the medicine of divorce and everyone will feel better?

I felt sad but I did not miss him even after I left. It may have been because of how badly he treated me over the years. It did feel very unnatural to D. Everything in my being fought against it even though I knew it's what was needed for my mental health. I also knew my xWS would never get better or change and if I stayed I would be chained to a life of misery and walking on eggshells. My thing was I didn't want to break up the family. That part still bothers me a little even though I am doing much better and am mentally healthy again. Life is peaceful and happy now. The kids have adjusted. I don't think anyone wants to get a D and have their family broken up, but sometimes it is for the best and we can thrive after it. Many times I wish I would have left earlier on in the M I was just too afraid and not financially ready to take that leap yet.

I understand it’s complicated with NPD. I suspect my WH has some level of Borderline, perhaps with some low level NPD (the type where you hate yourself- there’s one where you’re awesome, and one where the world revolves around you because you suck so bad. He has that one) and he splits a bit at times.

It’s hard watching him spiral as I explain I can’t do this anymore. He seems to finally be gaining some insight, but I’ve been sucked into this before….

Reaching out to my therapist. The worst part is feeling like I’m ruining his life, but I point out to myself he made that choice more than 10 years ago when he cheated. Marriages are not meant to sustain the absolute pummeling ours has taken.

I’m a mess. I’m focusing on the tasks at hand. And today, thankfully I’m at work. So there is just taking care of other people, thankfully.

I have this misconception that I should be feeling better now. I know it’s soon. We are still even in the same bedroom.

I have such regrets and want him to be better. But I’ve heard these promises so many times before.

Our MC says I’ve lost respect for him, which is true. He said it’s hard to reconcile a marriage when there is no respect. Which is true as well.

You're not only grieving a D, but your hopes, dreams, and plans for the future. Healthy human beings bond. Were supposed to do that, but damn it hurts like a MF'er when we have to detach. Compound that with fear of the unknown and letting go of EVERYTHING you thought your future was going to be, and you have a right to hurt. Please give yourself some grace. Healing takes a long time and it's not a linear path. You will have ups and downs. Just when you think youre OK, crippling pain may seep back in for a while. This really sucks, but it is healthy.
My situation was different. I D'd him because he wouldn't stop cheating and lying. I had no choice. Yes, I still loved him, but I loved myself more and I chose myself. Today, blehgg. Gross. But it took a while to get to this point.
One day, you will look back and wonder why you took so long to cut slingload. You will probably laugh that you ever chose him in the first place.
In the meantime, be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack!

I could have written StillLivin's response! I got to the "I've had enough point" nine months ago and filed for divorce. It's easier in my state than it sounds like it is for you, so the entire process was done in a couple of months. And I haven't looked back. Wondering why I didn't do this years ago.

My XH had pretty strong narcissist traits although was not diagnosed NPD, and as I was in the divorce process, I read "It's Not You." Found this to be a GREAT read and very insightful as well validating with respect to what victims of narcissist abuse experience. Even if your H isn't a narcissist, the book covers a lot of common wayward bad behavior, so you might find it worth a read.

Good luck and hang in there. October isn't far away!

SBB, an old timer, and I were conversing by PM. She gave me some wisdom that helped. I'll give a few key points.

1) One day, you will look back and laugh at him and how stupid he was for fumbling the ball. He had an amazing person, who expected only the bare minimum. And yet, he's such a loser he couldn't even do that.

2) You will sit back and wonder, "Him? Seriously! I was in the fetal position on the shower floor for HIM?! WTF!"

3) She told me, that I was basically grieving me and not him. I was grieving all the really hard work I'd put into our marriage for nothing. It all blew up. That's not how life is supposed to work. And it's a bitter pill to swallow. All of my expectations for the future were gone and I had no clue what I was supposed to do now. She told me to take a breather for a bit and then start coming up with new goals and plans.

She was dead on. 🎯

I realized shortly after this conversation just how much of a worthless POS Xhole was. I realized how lucky I was that he and his AP freed me. I didn't realize while I was in the relationship how much deadweight he was. It was just like the fable of boiling a frog slowly. The relationship started out great. The man I dated and then married was NOT the man I divorced.

There will be a day when you will connect the dots (he did you a favor). You will learn so much about yourself and your strength. You will be so glad you aren't in the relationship anymore. But it's going to be a painful ride first.

This is why SI preaches NC, NC, NC. We tell you to do self care. I'm gonna add one more. All of the energy and love you once poured into your STBX and the relationship, pour it into yourself. All those loving acts of kindness, do those for YOU. When you're ready, start taking yourself out to fine restaurants (if that's your thing). Do spa days where you pamper yourself. Engage in friendships you'd let fall to the wayside. Start hobbies you always wanted to try but never seemed to have the time for. Take a few courses at your community college that always interested you. Join a hiking group, or whatever physical activity you enjoy. Go to the range, take Jiu Jitsu. Buy yourself nice splurges. This is also how you start valuing yourself. You know, the person who actually deserves it. See, often, we later realize that the biggest reason we stayed with shitty people, while hanging onto hope that they would go back to the great person we started with, is because we didn't value ourselves enough to walk out the first time they took off the mask and showed us who they really were.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 7:03 AM, Monday, September 1st]