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Hi everyone, it’s been 10 weeks now since I found out my husband of 15 years had spent the last 3 years cheating behind my back with escorts, it took him 5 days to fully admit once I confronted him with evidence and it’s been a hell of a 10 weeks since.

I feel exhausted I have been nothing but decent about it I let him stay in the house to Start as we have 3 kids, then it all got to much so I asked him to go to his mum and dads, I have asked for space and told him we have split up.

Every single day he calls me and texts me telling me how shit he feels how sorry he is and how he’s struggling to cope with all this at once, he calls me crying all the time saying he doesn’t want to be here anymore and really unloads his emotions on to me for a situation he caused.

Every time I am home he comes home as normal and starts trying to act normal and now he keeps saying he needs some reassurance about the future, I am just in disbelief like he thinks I’m going to say he can just come back in a couple of months.

The way he is behaving is making me so unwell, I have lost so much weight I feel sick every day I am not sleeping can barely stomach a meal and I always tell him he is doing this to me by hounding me 24:7 and he says he will stop bur then does it again the next day, he says if he stops trying then I will just forget about him. I don’t think he thinks I have any entitlement to not forgive him in his eyes this is temporary and he’s just riding the wave until he can come back but it sickens me that he expects this from me after what he’s done.

I am going on holiday next week which we were all meant to be going but I have told him he cannot come, and he keeps going on about how shit he will feel when we have gone etc and it’s juts making me dread it as I feel like the suicide threats will start up again,

I also found out last week he’s been logging into my social media accounts and reading all my conversations with people :(

I am at my wits end, please help me :(

[This message edited by stacey88 at 7:05 AM, Saturday, August 12th]

Hi S88:

I am so sorry you have been forced to face infidelity in your marriage. A few suggestions - there is a Healing Library here at SI that can provide you with info that can help you.

Second your H is being manipulative. He is now panicking b/c he has lost control of you and family. He cannot be in charge and get what he wants. BTW good for you for standing your ground that he needed to leave.

I would suggest that you tell him the next time he mentions suicide or harming himself, you will call authorities and have him committed or evaluated at a local hospital. Period.

You know these are manipulative threats but that has got to stop immediately. Please be prepared to follow through on that to prove your point that he’s got no power over you anymore. You are NOT falling for his nonsense.

I think the vacation will do you good. Maybe shut off your phone and really disconnect from him.

I was you 10 years ago. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I slept 45 minutes a night while my cheating Husband slept soundly next to me 😡😡😡!

But I can tell you there is something called the 180. Articles on it in the Healing Library. It will help you detach to protect yourself and make decisions. In essence you stop being his wife. You put yourself and your healing first.

My H tried to manipulate me too after dday2 after I told him I had no choice but to D him. Second affair. Midlife crisis affair (so cliche it’s laughable).

Point is this is typical cheater behavior. They cheat (thinking they won’t get caught) and then when it blows up in the cheater’s face they expect the spouse/partner to forgive them and move on 😡😡!

The cheaters don’t understand the damage they inflicted. He may say - I didn’t love them or it was just escorts etc. as in it didn’t mean anything. We all know that just nonsense.

There is a book out called How to Help Your Spouse Heal After an Affair. He should read it. And then get himself into counseling while you decide what to do.

Please enjoy your trip. You need it. You deserve it. Please don’t allow him to manipulate you out of what you need right now.

PS when I finally stopped being a doormat and my H realized he couldn’t get his own way, it was a tough reconciliation period b/c he had to realize our marriage wasn’t going to be the sane in some way. I learned quickly to stop giving in to him and say no! Or hell no! And mean it.

Best thing I ever did.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:54 AM, Saturday, August 12th]

Stacey, change all the passwords on your social media.

Block him on your phone if you have to temporarily.

Have you met with an attorney? Let the attorney advise you on how to go forward.

Your husband visited at least 50 escorts that you know of.

Implement the 180 now. Discussions about children and finances only. If he says he is going to harm himself, call the authorities. Do not engage with him otherwise.

IMO you made the correct decision to separate. Don't give him any false hope, he destroyed your marriage with despicable actions.

Try drinking protein shakes every day if you cannot eat. Your children need a healthy mother. Meet with your MD for some temporary sleep aids and get yourself into a good individual counselor.

Enjoy your time away from him, the space will be just what you need right now.

Stacey you are not alone. Same happened to me.

Suicide threats.

Same types of messages from him.

Lots of contact because he doesn’t want the M to end.

If you think about it. He is focussed on himself. All of his actions are about him. He is panicking. This is how he is controlling the story through manipulation.

Has he asked you what he can do to make this easier for you? And has he done it?

I think you need to tell him, no contact. I will contact you when I am ready to talk. Let him know if he doesn’t honour your request, you will go straight to the divorce lawyer or whatever you chose.

Give him the message, go on vacation and enjoy yourself.

If he yet again does not honour your request follow through.

I had dday1 two days before a trip to Portugal. I did enjoy the trip, I used it as an escape.

Have fun on your trip. You need a break.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 2:41 PM, Saturday, August 12th]

Um ... your H seems to be taking care of and caring about himself. Healing, especially for a WS, is IMO about learning to take care of themself.

Something happened 3 years ago for your H to change his behavior. He needs to dig deep inside and figure out how to dismantle the enablers of that change. To be worth spending your life with, he needs to change from cheater to good partner.

Instead, he's looking to you to soothe him, to take care of him, to make him feel good. One way of looking at his talk is to see it as seeking external validation. He feels bad about himself, and he wants you to make hime feel good. The problem is that there's nothing you can do to get him to stop feeling bad about himself - that is work that only he can do.

You're at a cross road. You pretty much have to choose between continuing your M or ending it. Either one can be a good choice for you to want, but staying together with a partner who will not heal themself is not a oath to long-term happiness.

At this point, you're taking good steps for your own healing. If you actually find yourself wanting to R, my reco is to tell your WS that you won't R unless he starts making the necessary changes in himself. If he does change in positive ways, and if the change is fast enough for you, great - R continues. If he doesn't, great - you'll know R won't succeed.

But that's only if you want R. If you're done with him because of his use of prostitutes, so be it. If you want D, hold your head high and D.

I have asked him so many times what his reasons were but he claims to was an addiction, he’s been a gambling addict for years and I have desperately tried to help him but he hasn’t ever listening or took on board my concerns so he juts carried on and on and now this.
I know I have to stand my ground and look after myself now but I feel like I’m not being given the opportunity to do that whilst he is constantly unloading all his feelings and emotions on to me makes me feel responsible, he’s basically said he will only be happy if I forgive him and if not his life is not worth living.
The torture I go through worrying all day every day is making me unwell, we have 3 kids who dote on him and it frightens me that he will do so thing stupid. I honestly don’t feel like I can cope anymore there’s not 1 day this past 10 weeks where I have felt normal and feel like I won’t ever have a normal life again.
I’m too much of an anxious sensitive person to deal with all this, I’m loosing strength by the day at the moment.

Hi S88

I have been in your shoes about being subjected to the manipulation and mental torture from the cheater.

My H was BEGGING me to R (after dday2) while he put me through 6 months of false R wherein I worked my butt off and he continued to cheat. He did nothing to R after dday1. But I continued make excuses for him and put too much emphasis on the few things he did.

I understand about not wanting to hurt your kids too. As a parent no one wants to up-end their lives.

However you have to put yourself first. You need to be a parent for your children b/c your gambling & cheating H is not in a position to be the best he can be right now as a parent or H.

Your H inflicted serious harm and trauma to you. He’s NOT helping you heal right now.

So you must put your sanity and health first. Stop babying him. Stop feeling bad for him. He did this to himself.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:46 AM, Sunday, August 13th]

Wow, your husband is a master manipulator.

Stacey, I suggest you meet with an attorney or two if you haven't already.

Explain the situation with his threats. They will advise you on how to move forward.

I would not feel one ounce of sorrow for him, he's a seasoned cheater and IMO will never change. Plus his gambling addiction? What kind of example are you setting for your children? They need to see a strong mom who will not be pushed around. You are not his mother. He doesn't give a crap about you, he's feeling sorry for himself. A manchild.

Lean on your family for support, lean on us, and please, please stay away from this abuser.

Alright---let's say that he does have a gambling addiction.

Let's even say that the same addictive traits have led to his escort use(just for the sake of this argument).

What you need to tell him point blank, if he knows he has these addictions, is "What have you actually DONE about any of it?"

It doesn't matter if he says he is going to get help. What matters is he hasn't, and he will be unsafe for a very long time without continued treatment. If he is serious about getting better, there will be zero argument from him about this.

Think of AA, because the step programs are by far the most commonly used. Gambling treatment is similar. This will be a label that he carries forever....if he himself is serious about it. He would know that he could easily relapse if he doesn't actively follow the steps. That is for the rest of his life. No class completion certificates; no diplomas. He will always be a recovering (insert addiction).

I would suggest that you tell him point blank that until you see continued efforts from him wanting to be a better person, you need to have some distance. Let him know that when he shows up every day, or talks about how miserable HE is or how HE will end his life, he just drives you further and further away. ANY CHANCE of a future requires him to start respecting your wishes, and for once in his life, to try to understand YOUR pain. He needs to know that you are finally going to start addressing your own personal health, and not look after his.

Either he will be serious about wanting to be a better person, or he won't. But that is entirely up to him.

The torture I go through worrying all day every day is making me unwell, we have 3 kids who dote on him and it frightens me that he will do so thing stupid. I honestly don’t feel like I can cope anymore there’s not 1 day this past 10 weeks where I have felt normal and feel like I won’t ever have a normal life again.

I get it. I've always been a worrier too. What's weird though is how infidelity exacerbates anxiety so that the underlying worry we've become accustomed to just living with grows into this huge monster which threatens to consume us. There's something about intimate betrayal which shakes us to our core.

There's a good book called, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson, and in it, the author reminds us that we are hardwired as infants to bond. It's the reason we cry when we can't see our mother, and somehow that latent reflex survives into adulthood and gets tangled up with our primary relationship. So, we feel abandoned in a way that seems like an existential threat to our very survival, even though reason tells us we're safe. It's very weird, and it's hard to explain to people who haven't been through it. The amygdala of the brain ends up on high alert and you feel like an electric current is running through your body as adrenaline and cortisol are released, almost like some invisible entity was shouting "boo!" in your ear a hundred times a day. Speaking for myself, after about four months of this, I was so sick to my stomach I would have divorced my WS on the spot if it meant that queasy, rolling feeling would stop.

What helped me the most was going to my doctor and getting a little medication to deal with the anxiety. The temptation to medicate with alcohol should be avoided though because the anxiety rebounds at double strength like a hangover.

What also helped me was understanding the underlying mechanics of what was going on in my brain and body. Susan Anderson does a pretty good job of explaining the effects of trauma in her book. A more in depth study can be found in The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk. It's not a book about infidelity, but rather a master work on trauma. Maybe because infidelity is so ubiquitous in our society, we really don't think about how traumatic it is. Certainly, I never really understood it until it happened to me. The bottom line though is that we're REALLY going through something and it's not just a state of mind. Our bodies and the inner workings of our brains are caught up in it, and as we learn in The Body Keeps Score, we can't talk our way out of trauma. The prefrontal cortex (logic, judgement) and the amygdala (fight, flight, freeze) are only loosely connected, which is why alternative techniques like EMDR can be more effective.

Anyway, it's all NORMAL. Right now, you might be feeling like your WH's constant pressure is causing the bulk of the anxiety, but that kind of panicky worry is typical to what you're going through just now. IOW, yeah.. it would be great if this guy backed off for awhile. and I definitely agree with these guys that you should see and attorney and TAKE the space you need, but real recovery comes from within. When you think about it, you really can't control your WH. You couldn't stop him from cheating on you with 50 prostitutes, or gambling to excess, and you can't MAKE him do the right thing now. All you can control is you and your own boundaries. There's some peace to be had by acknowledging that we aren't in control of all that we would like, and that some things are just out of our hands.

You're going to be alright. It might not seem like it at the moment, but we're all here and we made it through. You will too.

((hugs))

Gently, I think asking what's wrong isn't going to get you anywhere. What I meant was something like:

Think about what you want from him and how you know you're getting it. Then ask for what you want.

Think about your requirements for R. Ask for them. Leave if he won't deliver. If he were an alcoholic, no more drinking and committing to the AA program could be a requirement. With sex trafficking, maybe no more prostitutes and IC to get help to change from cheater to good partner, but I don't know for sure.

Have you considered IC for yourself? A good IC can help you process the overwhelming feelings that come with being betrayed and see clearly how you will handle this manipulation by your H.

I, too, urge you to call 911 and have someone sent to your H. He may in fact have some desire to kill himself, and 911 is equipped, at least a little bit, to help. You aren't. Even if you're a mental health pro, you're not equipped to deal with your H's problems.

Stacey,
You’ve gotten a double whammy with financial infidelity too. When you talk to a lawyer, be sure you ask how to protect your finances for you and your kids.

You’ve gotten great advice- please listen to it and see the lawyer ASAP to understand what D might look like. Knowledge is power and helps with the anxiety.

And change ALL passwords. He’s in selfish self-preservation mode. You need to be able to speak freely with whoever you need to.

Enjoy the vacation.

Susan Anderson's book is a lifesaver, she really spells it out and provides tools for coping with the trauma.

My ex started cheating two years into our 22 years. He worked in the music biz as road crew, which is basically a smorgasbord for an addict. I thought he was different. Boy was I wrong!

You're in shock mode right now and it's going to be a long road out. I remember that exhaustion, the endless weeping sessions, the electric brain zaps, the heart palpitations, just awful stuff, it really takes a toll.

Lock down your social media and block him on your devices if you need to. He put you and your family at risk during a pandemic; only very sick people do that to the ones they supposedly love. It will help to talk to a lawyer or two and get some firm boundaries in place for a trial separation.

Your choice to leave or not. Nobody will blame you if you do. As someone who has been through that fire, I chose to move on and have absolutely zero regrets. No way was I going to be his nurse/jailer for the rest of our days.

Big hugs. Keep posting. We're listening.

Honestly guys I cannot thank you all enough for the support, it’s so helpful to me and to speak to
Others who have been through the same as awful as it is really makes me feel slightly more normal.

He is attending SA meetings and trying to prove himself to me but I don’t think it will ever be enough madness how he can stop all of a sudden now but couldn’t stop
Himself during when so many things could of made him realise that his actions were wrong, he keeps saying to me that he needed
To be caught and that it’s a good thing? But it doesn’t feel like a good thing to me, he should of realised his own actions were wrong and confessed if he has any conscience, I’m
Left thinking if I had never caught him out this would still be happening behind my back and it’s so damaging.
When I did find him out he lied through his teeth and made me out to be a complete nutcase for even suggesting it.

Ah yes, the old "relieved to be caught" line. I got that one too. Ya, dude, so happy for you now that you can sleep soundly after getting all that off your chest.

My ex moped around the apartment wrapped in a blanket for a couple of weeks. I just wanted him to go away, but he turned into a klingon and followed me around like a sad puppy. It was pathetic.

The kicker was when my test results came back positive for an STD and a nice bladder infection. I react badly to antibiotics so that was a fun couple of days. They don't care who they hurt, it's all about them. Selfish.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 6:47 PM, Sunday, August 13th]

I think you are in a very terrible spot b/c you feel if you put yourself first, you are being mean to your H. Or not taking care of him in his time of need.

You did not sign up to be with a martyr as a H or a marriage that is off balance.

My mother’s saying: God helps those who help themselves.

Let your H get himself to a better place. Let him prove to you over months he is a candidate for reconciliation.

He can sleep in the living room or basement or a friends house or an AirBNB if necessary.

You need space and an opportunity to work on yourself.

he keeps saying to me that he needed

To be caught and that it’s a good thing?

He didn't need to be caught to stop. He needed consequences to even think about stopping.

But it doesn’t feel like a good thing to me,

And that's the most unjust part of it all. It was done at your expense, and without your consent. It's a complete violation, and it's difficult to overcome. But now, today, you are no longer a victim. You have your agency, and can make the best decisions for yourself moving forward.

With or without him.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 7:13 AM, Monday, August 14th]

He is attending SA meetings and trying to prove himself to me....

Just a word of warning... we see LOTS of cheaters who claim to be SA after dday and sometimes, it's a gambit to try and play for sympathy. Although, to be perfectly honest, I don't understand the rationale behind that. Claiming SA would make it worse for me, a lot worse. I would have been extremely unlikely to consider R if my WH had told me he couldn't help it or if he'd wanted to make me into his accountability system. Anyway, I think you'd do well though not to settle for just any therapist's diagnosis. It's best to get expertise and have the diagnosis from a qualified CSAT.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:47 AM, Monday, August 14th]

Stacey, yeah, been there. I know what you're dealing with and it is horrific. I know it. The whole "I think it was a cry for attention" "I'm glad I got caught" "I don't want to live without you" "I'll get help" "It didn't mean anything, I didn't love them" "It's an addiction" "I love you so much" blowing up your phone showing up at your home and so on and so on and so on. I know a lot of people are going to tell you stuff about what he needs to do to be a safe partner (LOL) and how you can't give him a chance until whatever and you don't have to leave and so forth.

To hell with what he needs to do and whatever is causing whatever with him and how much he has the sadz.

You have gone through something truly awful. Devastating. Life-changing. You get to decide whether or not you ever want to deal with a serial cheater again. You get to decide whether or not you want to spend your life with someone you cannot trust. You get to choose not to be with someone who would hurt you and betray you like this. You get to choose a way out of that. You get to focus on you and your future. You get the option to leave this horror behind.

I expect you feel like the man you love died and someone else is living in his skin. I imagine you do still have love for him because that's what healthy people do. We love our spouses. When we find out they've been sleeping with a plethora of prostitutes, it upends our entire world. It makes us feel insane. It doesn't make sense. One of the best things about love is that you can fall out of it. Love isn't meant to be a prison cell. Love isn't martyrdom. I loved my XWH deeply, but I cannot abide being with someone who was capable of treating me that way. The addiction claim made it even more insane to me. Would I choose to live with a pyromaniac? Would I choose to live with someone who had to fight every day not to set the house ablaze while I slept? No? Why would I choose to live with someone who had to fight every day not to cheat on me and risk my health and life? I wound up with HPV and had to have precancerous cells removed. I got lucky not to get worse. I left and lost the love I had for him and I am so grateful to myself for having made that choice. I'm happy. I would be in hell had I stayed.

I left over 5 years ago and I have had not one second of regret. I dealt with the suicide threats by showing up at his place after the first one, calling 911 for a wellness check after the second one, and telling him "it's your life and your choice" after the third one and blocking him on my phone. Guess who isn't dead? It's manipulation. By the end, I was too exhausted to even care whether or not he did it. My last thought before blocking him was "well at least you won't be harassing me anymore if you succeed" and that's an awful place to get to mentally. Someone like him will put you there, though.

You may not feel like it, but you're being really strong right now. You're doing an amazing job. You really are. I wanted to die after DDay. I couldn't function. It took me months to end it and here you are 10 weeks out already there. You're amazing. This is an awful stage and I promise you it will get better. It will get so much better.

Hi Stacey,

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Your husband doesn't sound like a source of comfort to you right now. If anything, its the opposite. He's making you feel worse. Right now, you need to focus on taking care of yourself and that means detaching. Meanwhile, he is trying to dictate the terms of everything and force HIS wants/desires/concerns/needs onto you. He is nowhere near a safe partner to you right now.

It's time to work on detaching so you can focus on the 180. Have you read about that? If not, I suggest you do. That means telling him that you need space. You have already asked for physical space and his response was to bombard you with calls and texts. That's not giving you space. No more calls or texts for a week or two (or some other fixed amount of time) unless it's an emergency or about the kids. If he is unwilling to do that (the absolute bare minimum) then you know he is never going to put your needs first and he is not capable of R.

About the vacation: you are NOT responsible for his emotions. He's trying to manipulate you into thinking you are. I assume that means that has worked in the past. You are not in a position to reassure him about your future because his actions have thrown your future into disarray. Tell him that. The suicide threats are just manipulation attempts. Next time he does it, either call his parents or call the police and let them deal with him.

Finally, change your social media passwords ASAP.

I'm worried for you, he seems to be trying to steamroll you and isn't' taking no for an answer. Please keep us updated on how it goes.