I have not been a good partner lately

I was sitting here reading others’ posts, and wondering why my BH has reverted back to not sharing his feelings or talking about the infidelity, even when I sense he is thinking about it and… well, "pry" is the word that comes to mind, but idk if it’s the right one. I don’t think I have ever demonstrated any unwillingness to talk about it. But then it occurred to me: he has expressed to me certain behaviors of mine that trigger suspicion, as he ties them to my infidelity, logically or not, and I have fallen back into the habit of doing a lot of them. I’m sure that doesn’t suggest to him that I care about his feelings, and probably reinforces whatever infuriating little voice in his head that is telling him his feelings are unreasonable and repetitive and he should keep them to himself, as he has described it to me. I have been so stupid!!

I logically know that I’m stuck in a cycle of struggling with my own feelings and mental health, which leads me to turn to these behaviors as a coping mechanism. Those two things have some overlap with my behavior during the affair, so I can absolutely see why these things trigger him. I don’t mean to come off as dismissive at all here— like I totally get it and want to quit doing these things. I’m just struggling with it. And I think the more I engage in these behaviors, the more my BH distances himself emotionally, and the more unloved and alone I feel, and the more I turn to my coping mechanisms. I just need to break the cycle somewhere. I have IC in about an hour, and hopefully my therapist and I can figure out a solution then. And obviously an apology and some communication with my BH is in order until I can implement it.

Our relationship has been so rocky lately, and I won’t lie, divorce has crossed my mind several times in the last couple months after some really gnarly arguments. At the same time, I’m absolutely terrified of it. I have felt so out of control and confused and lost for such a long time. This could be a great opportunity to take accountability on my part, and in doing so, maybe regain some sense of control. Please, if any of you could be so kind to pray for me or send those kind of hopeful or encouraging vibes into the universe on my sorry behalf, I would appreciate it. I need all the help I can get.

2 comments posted: Thursday, May 7th, 2026

Response to hfssc

Why would you respond to me on cocoolus5nuts’ post if you want to respect her, and if I want to respect her by not replying to her posts further? Also bearing in mind that since I’m a new member with fewer than 50 posts or whatever the requirement is, that I cannot DM you? That strikes me as catty behavior. You get to address me, in front of someone who is triggered and wishing to distance herself from me, such that she’s likely to read it and I can’t respond there. I had to make this whole other thread, and now I predict it’s going to be blown out of proportion.

I have read so many times on here the words of BS counseling others that if you feel or express resistance to the advice given, one ought to explore what they’re saying. I think that’s what’s happening with Coco. I found it ironic that she was willing to take the advice from HikingOut, who has also cheated, but was dismissive towards me, when HO and I were saying much of the same things, and felt that I was "defending" her WH. I don’t care one bit about her WH. She said that she was struggling with her situation, and I felt that, and wanted to help her. I saw a solution to her problem which would bring about the outcome she is seeking, which is for her husband to be emotionally vulnerable with her, and I shared it, even with her resistance to it. To be told that my final elaboration before ducking out is "wayward thinking" by someone who continued to reply to me is also very ironic.

Anyway, enough said. I don’t have time to be wrapped up in this woman-on-woman drama today and I’m trying really hard not to let it make me internalize misogyny.

7 comments posted: Sunday, January 18th, 2026

Response to hfssc (moved to General)

  This Topic has been moved to General

0 comment posted: Saturday, January 17th, 2026

Putting on a Happy Face

Depression is kicking my butt. I’m not keeping up with my responsibilities. I have no energy. My BH has noticed me moping around, and though I know I’m probably just experiencing an imbalance in neurochemistry, he’s taking it personally. He said to me that he thinks sharing his feelings with me is making me feel this way, and he wondered if he should stop. I begged him not to— said that it’s just generalized, clinical depression, that we’re both still healing, that his feelings are important to me and I want to hear them.

But I think he has stopped sharing them again anyway… I feel so far away from him. He has been working late most nights, and sometimes even after he gets home, he goes back into his home office to do more work. Then I have to put our daughter to bed by myself, and I drag my feet and it ends up being pretty late before I get into bed myself. I know that isn’t healthy for any of us, and our intimacy is suffering. My BH will be asleep and not responsive when I cuddle up to him, and we’re pretty much only having sex in the middle of the night if he can’t go back to sleep. He did it last night and neither of us even finished. This is causing me a lot of distress and anxiety today, making my mood even worse.

I keep thinking that if I can just get back into an exercise routine, eat well, drink plenty of water, take my meds consistently, and get enough sunlight and sleep, my mental health would improve. It just feels impossible to do all those things with depression and a distinct lack of focus. It’s a terrible cycle and I’m struggling to break it. I spoke to my IC about it, and she said I’m very insightful about myself, and she’s trying to come up with solutions to help, but coming up empty. I said "Me too."

But I have got to figure this out. I have to turn this around and put on a happy face for my BH, or else our relationship is heading down the toilet.

1 comment posted: Friday, January 16th, 2026

Urge to break NC

Been struggling with some really heavy emotions lately. Anxiety, depression, obsessions, passive suicidal ideation, the works. I haven’t been taking my medication consistently, so I’m sure that isn’t helping.

My BH suggested I attend a sex-positive, LGBTQ-centered open event in the city last weekend, which I thought was…interesting. I wasn’t sure if he was just trying to get me out of the house to cheer me up, or if it was a test of some sort. But honestly for much of it, I either wished he was there with me, or couldn’t wait to get home to go to bed with him.

However, on the return trip, a song came on that I listened to a lot during the A. I was hit with an overwhelming wave of those heavy emotions, and as I pulled into my driveway, I had the urge to call xAP for comfort, even though I haven’t spoken to him since DDay many months ago. My husband does his best to comfort me when I feel this way, and he’s an absolute angel when it comes to supporting me through depression periods. But I just feel like maybe xAP would get it more, being a person who struggles with much of the same things, and that I would feel less guilty for burdening him with my feelings. There is also a limited number of people I can talk to about my suicidal ideation without being involuntarily committed…I shut those thoughts down right away and did NOT break NC, thankfully. I feel disgust for that man and want nothing to do with him anymore, no matter how much of a safe space he could provide. But the sudden urge in a time of weakness was kind of scary, and I’m still pondering it.

Have any other WS experienced recurring urges like this? What did you do about them?

For those BS reading, would you want your WS to tell you if they were having these urges, or just keep that to themselves as long as they don’t act on them?

Thanks in advance.

29 comments posted: Sunday, January 11th, 2026