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I’m the BS. It has been 2 months post Dday, and me and my partner have split up. He thinks it is a break, I have told him over and over again that it’s over (at least for now that is how I feel). I have removed everything from the house - so I think that sends a clear message.

We have a 1.5 year old baby together. So although we spent 2 weeks with no contact or communication. We are starting to message to make arrangements around the baby. Although he seems to also tell me about his day. He has also asked for my help for a few things. I do respond with 1 word answers or shut down the conversation when it’s too friendly (with something like "I’ve got to go" or "enjoy the rest of your day". I did help him with a document face to face.

It’s his birthday, and he wants to plan a day where we all go out with the kids (I have an older child) in the name of Christmas. He is being very nice by text, and I keep responding with reminders that he did cheat. When I looked back we did nothing together for my birthday this year, and it coincides with the date he went on with his ex and the flirty messages they’ve had.

I just don’t understand why he thinks that there is a future. He thinks it’s all in the past now, but it’s all so raw for me. He has torn our family apart, yet wants us to have a lovely family Christmas.

Do I send another "we are over!!!" Message - as I’m finding myself making digs at the fact he has cheated, which also isn’t making me feel great as it’s like reliving it all again. And he responds with something along the lines of "it won’t happen again and we need to stop bringing it up to move forward"

I guess we have to form an amicable co-parenting relationship, so eventually I will need to stop making digs, can anyone relate to this? Do we need to go cold turkey with communication for a longer period?

Is it really over for you?

If so, then start the process of filing for divorce (if you're married) and tell him that you no longer wish to communicate about anything except emergencies or logistics concerning the children. Do not respond to any calls or text messages that don't pertain to that. There are even parenting apps you can use for scheduling visitation, pick-up and drop off, etc, in order to minimize communication. Don't say anything to or about him that you wouldn't want read aloud to a judge in open court.

Also, co-parenting (or parallel parenting), doesn't involve sharing holidays together and hanging out as if you're friends. If your plan is to divorce (or break-up for good), then you both need to live your lives as if you were single. Doing things together as a family might actually cause more distress in the long-term doe you and your baby as it's causing confusion and preventing everyone from getting used to the change.

He's going to flip his shit and probably alternate between love-bombing and fits of rage. Prepare yourself emotionally for both and remember that no contact = no new hurts.

If you're second-guessing your decision to leave him, then let me offer you some clarity:

A man who is a good candidate for reconciliation would be asking you, "How can I fix this?"

A man who just expects you to shut up and suck it up says, "Stop bringing it up."

It’s over!

Step 1. He is blocked if he sends you ANY future texts other than his plan for seeing kid.

Step 2. You file for child support immediately.

Step 3. You stop helping him with anything.

Step 4. You each get an app that allows you to schedule visitation.

Step 5. You find a neutral party for the first 3 months of child hand offs. This way you have no contact with him and it sets the tone. You can be home but a friend or family member hands him the child. Same for the return.

"it won’t happen again and we need to stop bringing it up to move forward"

True, it won’t happen again because you won’t be in a position to cheat on me again, because I AM moving forwards. Only without you.
Might be a clear enough answer...

Just ignore anything that isn't relevant. I wouldn't even respond to his requests to spend time together. Stop telling him it's over. Remember, actions speak louder than words.

Only address relevant communication. If he starts talking about his day, throws in a question about the kids or finances, then asks when you'll be free to also spend time with him. You only respond to the kids and finances and let him know when he can come pick up his kid(s). Act like he didn't say anything else. Keep as much to text as possible. Over time, he'll eventually get tired of playing games. And that is what he is doing. He wants to wear you down until you finally stop reminding him he cheated. But that is still manipulating you. When you give him nothing, it throws him off balance.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 2:21 AM, Wednesday, December 17th]

Penelopepea, I'll give a slightly different take. Our kid is 16, and we're in the process of divorcing, but we do spend most Saturday evenings together as a family, having dinner, watching a movie, etc. We have filed for divorce, so there's no ambiguity about getting back together, so your WS needs to reach that stage of acceptance, but it's possible to get there while still having some family time.

For a while, I had to be a broken record and emphasize to stbx that I wasn't interested in reconciliation. I also had to be the one to push forward on everything divorce related. It took him a few months, but he eventually got the message. In your case, just 2 months from DDay, it's preposterous for him to ask you to put it behind you. Most of us take years to process this stuff.

I think you need to be less diplomatic in your messages to him (I have a tendency, like you, to be "nice" all the time, even when I'm annoyed). Tell him flat out that you aren't interested in being friends or having friendly text chats. Not "I have to go," but "I don't want to have conversations like this." It can be hard to find the middle ground between amicable co-parenting and being a jerk, but sometimes you gotta bit harsh for them to get the message.

As for the "digs", way too soon to consider not dishing those out. 2 months is still in the raw, worst stages of recovery from infidelity. I think you're being too hard on yourself. Sounds to me like you're just reminding him of the truth by saying "you cheated!!!" He did! And there's no reason for you to avoid saying so.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 2:44 AM, Wednesday, December 17th]