SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

I haven’t posted in a long time, as some of the initial messages to my post scared me off.

I’m close to 1 year of dday in 2 months or so.

I started EMDR a few months back and as many have said on the site - it really was a game changer. After a few sessions it was like a fog lifted and I was no longer in zombie land, spiralling from triggers and mind movies.

10 months on me and WH are in MC - initially it was a place for me to be heard without spiralling. Now it’s become a space for him to be open and talk through things.

My main question at this point is - how do I really process emotions. Mainly sadness and sometimes anger. What practical things do you do?

Thank you.

Sadness and anger are very long lived. It takes time, a lot of time. In the short run try exercise and staying busy. When you don’t have the chance to ruminate you will find you are not dominated by anger or sadness. You really can change the subject in your own mind. Another technique I have found useful is to breathe deeply and picture the sadness as a wave crashing over me and then receding back to the sea. I think this is a Zen technique. If you can find a place where you can be alone and just scream, that can be a release, too. I used to punch the heavy bag at the gym imagining it to be the AP but have been phasing that out. Truthfully, it only helped while I was doing it. The anger quickly came back. You sound like you are on a positive track. Shirley Glass, the author of Not Just Friends, wrote that with infidelity the one who hurt you the most is the one who has to heal you. I hope your MC agrees with Shirley Glass and guides you and BH toward your healing long term.

I can attest to exercise as of 2 hours ago. I used to bike ride pretty intensely for exercise purposes and after Dday 2 had pretty much slipped into depression and started eating like sh&t and not exercising. I made my wife jokingly, much to her dismay shame me into it with a "Get your lazy butt on the bike" every hour today (note: she doesn't talk to me like that normally, I needed the motivation). I did 20 mins to ease back into at moderate intensity. I was off the bike for about 15 minutes and you could feel the impact. My body wanted to lay down which I did but instead of crawling under the blankets for a 2 hour miserable nap I took 15 minutes to cool down, cut my hair, showered and felt like I haven't in months....that's just one session. Try and eat better. I definitely have not been doing that either. I've rolled my eyes at my therapist when she's brought this up as a lot of us are looking for a magic potion to make this go away. Unfortunately it's another burden we have to assume but in this case use it as motivation or a release (OldWounds gave me this thought). Please take this to heart. I know every workout session isn't going to feel like this but it was almost like my body was saying: "Wait, what are you doing? You're doing something good for your body and mind...you're shocking me and it feels good". I know this isn't groundbreaking but don't ignore it and it's something you can control and be accountable for. Find a workout buddy or like me, burden your WS with forcing you to do it with reminders. They can help too and should since it needs to be part of your recovery. I will say this, I made it abundantly clear to my wife that I will be focused on me and she's not only supported it but been forcing it in some cases.