Like Oldwounds, the main reason I'm still on SI is that I think I have something useful to say to people who have been hit by infidelity - namely: 1) one can live a good life after being betrayed (or betraying, too, for that matter); 2) the BS's best approach in almost all cases is to take control of their own life and their own power; 3) if one can't find their power, get help, because everybody has power, but sometimes they need help finding and enhancing it.
I agree wholeheartedly that a BS's best approach is to consider both D and R. Their best bet especially is to put aside all preconceptions and deal with the facts on the ground, including the fact that they probably have multiple options, and not to act on the basis os previous experience or reflexes. The BS's best approach includes choosing their actions mindfully and to the extent possible, choosing their own timing.
My basic point is that even if you reconcile (and I am a strong advocate of divorce, I think it is the better option for most people) there are gonna be times when you are triggered or feel down or the memories come back, often around holidays and milestones (birthdays, anniversaries) and people often blame themselves for feeling this way. Like they expect to have recovered completely, and there be no negative feelings or no regrets or anger. It's almost like they expect the recon to have wiped out the entire affair and aftermath and everything is hunky dory, and if it isn't, it's the Betrayed Spouse's fault for not forgiving enough or accepting enough, or maturing enough, or however people want to put it, I often see it expressed, to me, as a lack in the BS or some kind of failing or problem.
IMO, there's a big difference between blaming the victim and placing responsibility for solving a problem where it belongs. If a BS posts, the problem isn't the cheater's, even though the cheater is the failed partner and the failed human being. The poster is the only person who can solve the problem. They can't change their WS. They can't change their sitch except by changing themself. Many BSes come to SI without knowing that.
Reportedly there are WS forums, and WSes reportedly claim their problem is that their ap hasn't done what they promised to do. It's the WS who's posting, though, so it's the WS's problem, and only they can solve it.
Often BSes start by blaming themselves, at least in these pages. Blame isn't an issue, and blame rarely helps.
The issues, especially when BSes post long after d-day and/or after periods of apparent emotional contentment, generally come from unresolved feelings - but that's just a metaphor that makes sense to me and many others.
But I do think that the vast majority of folks who bring up problems are saying they have the problem, and that means to me that they - not someone else - have to resolve the problem the best they can.
*****
Also, I believe there is no one-size-fits-all solution. I especially disagree that leaving or actually D'ing quickly is much of a solution to the BS's pain. Leaving may give some immediate relief, but I believe leaving gives permanent relief only if the BS processes their pain out of their body.
But those ideas follow naturally from my basic belief: the person who complains of the problem is the one who has the problem and is the only on who can solve it.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:37 PM, Saturday, March 21st]
