SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been married for 38+ years.

Four weeks ago my husband wanted to try out Viagra and asked me if I would participate. This was totally out of character - he never takes medications, not even paracetamol. After success with the Viagra and his wife of 38+ years I joked about him not taking the blue pills on his forthcoming business trip to SE Asia but he did not joke. He said he might take them and did not deny that he might have sex with someone.

Two weeks ago he flew to Singapore for his two-week business trip. On arrival in Singapore I asked him yet again if he was in or out of this marriage because I was confused. Eventually, after the fourth question, he said 'out'.

I was devastated. I did not see this coming. Now he is spending the two-week period travelling around with a particular young woman, half his age, from east Asia. He does not want contact with me. We had two conversations but they were unsatisfactory, bad signal etc. He just said he wanted his freedom and no control and that he has done nothing wrong.

He will be 70 this year and I think this is some sort of crisis and awareness of his mortality. But I also wonder whether it could be a more serious cognitive problem - he seems to be quite literally 'losing his mind'.

Wow, on top of everything he's being cruel about it. Be the first to file for divorce so the ball is in your court. Do it before he gets back.

So very sorry you find yourself here. You are not stupid. Wipe that thought away!

Wow, your WH flaunting his infidelity is especially cruel. Speaking as someone older than your WH, his behavior has nothing to do with aging. Don't make excuses for him. Take no blame for his behavior. Don't beg or plead or play the pick me dance. It never works.

His behavior reeks of pure selfishness. After such a long M he is being so disrespectful. You can't control him. You control how you respond. Read in the healing library on this site and pinned posts.

Right now its most important to take care of yourself. Get support from family,friends or pastor. You have suffered a real trauma. See an IC hopefully trained in betrayal trauma.
Hold your head up and always value yourself. You deserve respect.

See a solicitor and start the D process. Its what he says he wants. Have the papers ready for his return.

Focus on your healing. I advise to limit communication with him to D matters and preferably in writing. Don't engage with him or argue or ask for answers. He will only lie and try to hurt you. Make it a clean break. Read and implement the 180.

Im sorry this has happened. Wishing you strength moving forward. Good luck

If anyone is stupid here, it's your H and his ap. You're now in a select group of people who have been cheated on. I'm sorry for that, but I'm glad you found us.

I'm really sorry your H is doing this. I have some sense of how much this hurts. If you hurt more - or much more - than you thought you could hurt, well, that's pretty normal.

My reco is to take your H at his word. Seek legal advice. Do your best to tie up your marital assets so he doesn't spend them on his ap - if he spends marital assets on cheating, I guess you may be able to get them back in a D settlement, but I think it's much better to keep them out of his hands for now.

Usually R is a possibility. When one partner is unwilling to work for R, or even pretend to work for R, the best approach seems to be to start D proceedings. You can't control anybody but yourself. Your H says he's out. Believe him. If he changes his mind, you can deal with that when it happens.

Legal advice is absolutely essential to protect yourself.

I'll also recommend counseling for you. I went crazy after my W's A, unable to concentrate, ruminating on what seemed like millions of thoughts and feelings. I started MC on d-day, because R was on the table for us, but it took me a while before I sought IC. A good IC helped me sort through those thoughts and feelings and get my feet back on the ground. He also helped me get in touch with the strengths I had forgotten I had. Lots of us find good IC to be very helpful. You might, too, if you find a good IC with an opening.

If that doesn't help, what would?

*****

Above all, have faith in yourself to get through this. You can survive and thrive. Your H's idiocy may seem life-destroying right now, but it's not.

One survey of elderly people that sticks in my mind is that the happiest group was single women, followed by married men, married women, and single men. IOW, your H may be giving you the opportunity to live your best life. I know it's beyond difficult to appreciate that now, but you have a future, and you may appreciate it after some time passes.

*****

Take care of yourself. Eat what you can. Sleep as well as you can without using sleep to hide. Drink water. Stay away from mind-altering substances. Find activities that please you - baths, showers, swimming, walking, cycling - whatever you do, make sure you move your body. Remind yourself that you can survive this and thrive.

You did not cause this. Your H chose to leave because of issues with himself, not with you or your M. I's probably impossible for a BS to avoid beating themself up over their WS's betrayal, but ... the BS did not fail. The WS did.

As awful as life might feel right now, the feelings are temporaray. You really can survive and thrive after being betrayed.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds really horrible. There are several possibilities here that you may not be able to unwind, especially if he is not cooperative, which I don't think he will be. He may have early dementia or some other cognitive issue, that is indeed possible, he may simply be old now and want to try out another way of life before he dies, a last hurrah kind of thing. Maybe he was catfished and got into this relationship with this young woman because she wants a sugar daddy and is looking for a potential green card. That is so common in these kinds of relationships - I guess both people are using each other but the older man actually has fantasies that a young woman is interested in him....and she is....for money and a passport to a 1st world country.

Unfortunately, realistically, there's not much you can do about this, even if he has a mental condition. It sounds like this is what he wants to do, he's not willing to work it out with you or be reasonable with you or step back from this. I think the most important thing you can do right now is protect yourself and your assets as much as you can. I would see a divorce lawyer immediately - immediately - do not delay - and I'd also start an immediate examination of all your financial records to see if he's been giving her money. That's very common. Or sending money overseas to start a new life. I know all this sounds crazy to you, but....it does happen, and more often than you would think. It is critical that you protect yourself financially. I would file for divorce immediately and check all your finances - use the lawyer to try to protect as much marital assets as possible. You're an old lady (I assume) like myself and the main thing at this time of life is to protect yourself as he has become reckless and uncaring of you. Whether he has a mental problem or not or is just being selfish, or whatever....you have to protect yourself. Even if he seems to come to his senses and come back....he could still be sending her money and it could be large amounts of money. I'm sorry to put more pressure on you but I would get this situation under control as soon as possible. You have no idea how much these men can send to this predators and there's not much you can do except protect yourself legally. I'd work on finding a lawyer starting today and start looking over those finances.

There's really not much you can do about him whatever happens....BUT DO PROTECT YOURSELF and you can only do that through divorce because that kind of sets the assets in stone. Maybe someone else has other ideas about how you protect your marital finances. You don't want to be old and impoverished. Believe me, I know.

I don’t want to scare you, but this is a typical story of a guy, his age, who’s losing a lot including his mind. He’s got his hands on a woman that he thinks loves him and all she’s going to do is get as much money as she can out of him. You need to get a lawyer and get to the bank and shut down any money that you can until he gets home and you can sort it out. You’re going to have to get very brutal here, and control the money if you can because he is not going to be fair to you. It does not matter whether he’s having a demented issue or just gotten very selfish at 70 you need a financial cushion. If you have to get mean to do it then get mean. Call a lawyer Monday.

"He does not want contact with me. We had two conversations but they were unsatisfactory, bad signal etc. He just said he wanted his freedom and no control and that he has done nothing wrong."

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I can’t imagine how painful this experience is. Ever person’s experience may vary. I will share mine in the hopes it helps others. My ex marriage ended during an eerily similar "hunting trip". I wonder sometimes if there is a how-to manual waywards read that tells them what to do and accuse and say. Yes, accusations about being controlling seem to abound. Cell phone signal issues with even Satellite phones. I believed this cheater speak.

I have deep regrets that I did not believe his actions first and foremost and that I did not take every opportunity to protect myself and any DC. By the time I realized I was literally sleeping with the enemy it was too late for me to retrieve or document substantial assets.
I lived through asset theft. Financial concealment. Lies. Diverting of marital assets. Legal abuse. One particularly nasty tactic I experienced was that exwh lied to me about what happened to get me to sleep with him so that he could claim I from a legal divorce perspective condoned his affair(s). He planned it all out.

I always encourage betrayeds to take exquisite care of their sexual, emotional, Spiritual and physical selves. I was so humiliated having to get sti/std testing after being faithfully married for almost 4 decades. But my nurse practitioner was very kind. Sadly one risk factor for older persons, and even more for older women than men, is being married. I was devastated and blindsided. But the good people on this site helped save me. And I somehow made it through.

I wish you much healing and a bright future free of infidelity.

Hi MSPOE. you are not stupid. All of us (thousands and thousands) believed and trusted our spouses. Doesn’t make us stupid.

I have to agree that your WS is being taken advantage of. There’s nothing you do for him but you MUST protect yourself. Get to a lawyer or 3 as soon as possible and protect your future. make sure he’ can’t clean out accounts or run up bills. It’s like our spouses are taken over by aliens and they do things we never thought they could. Protect yourself.

Do you have anyone IRL (in real life) to talk to ? It really really helps. A bestie, a sibling, pastor… someone who will support you with no judgement? Also look for a trauma informed individual counselor or therapist (IC). This is a real rough ride and it helps to have someone in your corner helping you get through it.

And please see your doctor for STD testing. This sounds very planned and I have to believe your WS has been cheating for a while. Doctors have truly seen it all, so dont be embarrassed. Protect your health.

And take exquisite care of yourself. As others have said, get daily exercise - a long walk will do. Eat healthfully, drink lots of water (crying is very dehydrating), avoid drugs/alcohol, and get sleep. If you are having trouble sleeping or eating, see your doctor. Some of us needed anti-anxiety meds to get though those first few months. No shame in this at all.

Most of all, know that this is 100% on him. He has a hole in his "bucket" and he is trying to fill it. There is nothing you could have said or done to stop or prevent this.

I am so sorry you had to find us. Read in the healing library and all the posts with bullseyes (you may have to page back a bit) - so much good information in those. Keep posting. You WILL get through this.

This sounds like some sort of midlife or later in life crisis.

Unfortunately there is almost nothing you can do to stop it. Be prepared for his selfishness and arrogance and complete disregard for you.

But you do not have to allow him to return to your home. The recommendation to see an attorney is your best option right now.

Also financially protect yourself. Get copies of every financial document you have and keep them in a place your H cannot get to.