SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

D day officially was last week and hes admitted emotional affair with sexting but definitely nothing more. Pictures have been sent and messaging daily. He says its only been a month, I think more. Im never going to know.

He has lied and gaslighted me for weeks and I've been right all along.

Im angry and totally heartbroken 💔 😥 I just knew

I dont think I will ever be able to repair this especially my trust

But I love him so much. Now I know why hes been moody and awful...guilt

So im trying to heal myself... and reading all the pinned posts and helpful topics on here.

I do not know where we go from here. He dosent want to lose me, but he wasnt sorry when he was doing it and lying. I dont want to lose him, I thought he was my soulmate. But hes now cut a huge bond 😥😥

Hes told her I know and deleted and blocked her on everything. The problem is shes a work colleague. I want him to find a new job if I will ever begin to feel better. Its also affected his mutual friends with her at work. I think some of them knew anyway. Its all a mess .

Im so 💔💔💔

[This message edited by Bluefairy at 7:56 PM, Saturday, August 23rd]

Hi, Bluefairy, welcome to SI. So sorry you had to find us.

Dealing with betrayal is probably one of the hardest things you will ever go through. The man you trusted has broken your trust in the most despicable way. Please find a good trauma therapist for yourself to help you process this nightmare.

Understand cheaters lie, 99.999% of them. They minimize their actions, gaslight, blame others, it's so predictable.

My husband had an affair with a work colleague who lived and worked on the opposite coast. He would have to visit her site several times a year. There was no way in hell I would ever accept him coming in contact with her, even through company business. He dropped her like a hot potato and immediately started looking for another job. He understood I wasn't going to tolerate one more minute of disrespect as far as the other woman was concerned. It took him several months, he found another job, actually a better job.

If your husband and his affair partner work together, I'd question if it was just emotional. Too many of us here, including myself, were told they just kissed, blah, blah, blah only to find out later that it was much much more. Ask him if he's willing to take a polygraph test.

If he truly wants to save your marriage, he will do everything necessary to help you heal, finding a new job, being honest, accountable for his time, access to his phone, emails, social media, etc. Sometimes cheaters take their affair underground, just be vigilant.

He can never have ANY contact with her again. Ever. No compromising. It sounds harsh, it is, he made his bed, he has to face the consequences.

BTW, is the affair partner married?

In the meantime, take care of yourself, eat, stay hydrated, and meet with your doctor if you are having coping/sleeping. Many of us here have taken medications temporarily to help us through those rough few months.

Thank you annb

Yes she is married but separated as far as i know.

I am really worried theres much more to it i really am :'( no matter how much he tries to reassure

The amount of lies hes told 😭😓

Sorry you’re going through this. I’m in a similar position he had told me it was just a kiss at Easter totally back tracked said it was because I was accusing him and annoying him. Come mid May he confessed to kissing her and meeting a couple times I believed that. Then came anonymous letter in the post saying they were having an affair. I just couldn’t let it go I went through his work phone to see a deleted email mentioning Snapchat. So burst into the bathroom to look at the phone to find he was in the process of downloading it but he literally deleted everything before I could get a look. Long story short they had been having sex full blown affair. Was going on from mid January to mid June. Promised to change jobs but he hasn’t. Recently found out he’s still been in contact. He’s done nothing but lie to me after I told him I wanted to reconciliation. I’m I’ve been devastated for myself and our children but I’m starting to see him as a loser.
I’ve had done great advice of everyone here. Just wanted to give you a hug

He says its only been a month, I think more.

You've been uneasy about his behavior for at least five months so you already know he's lying. What though is he doing beyond confessing and making excuses? Has he taken any initiative to do any of the most elementary reading about infidelity -- Not Just Friends or How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair or look into counseling for himself and try to become a trustworthy partner?

You definitely need to work through your feelings and reactions. Consider some individual counseling yourself. Loving him is not enough, you want better and you have to be assertive in getting it. You may also start the 180 to help you gain some clarity about whether he can do what needs to be done.

My advice, do not start MC until both of you have done IC for several months. Then decide if you want to work on the relationship.

Him switching jobs would be a good first step.

Always follow your gut

I recommend you demand that he finds a new job. This is a consequence of his actions.
R/
SL

If he’s not sorry you can pretty much guarantee there will be more. Maybe not this AP but more eventually. It’s just the reality of these things.

You have to think to yourself what it is that you don’t want to lose: the fantasy in your mind of what you thought you had or someone who lies and cheats on you and emotionally abuses you (gaslighting you is absolutely abuse and of the highest order)? You can get through this and maybe even with him but stop like right now thinking that your WH in his current state is worth keeping. He’s NOT. He is going to have to work to show you he can and will change and that takes time and effort. Immense effort.

Don’t be like me and allow yourself to be subject to such abuse. I look back now and wonder what the heck I was thinking in allowing it. The control is yours to stop this mindset. He is not the prize. You are. And half assed attempts to tell you he doesn’t want to lose you and then knifing you in the back at the same time by not being sorry for anything IS A HUGE RED DAGGER. This isn’t a flag. He is telling you that in some level to him this was okay. You do NOT love that so please stop telling yourself that you do.

And no I’m not advocating for immediate divorce. What I’m advocating for is you realizing this person is NOT worth your undying love in their current state. If they do not change - and if they don’t want to change for themselves - you are in for tough times. The faster you set boundaries and stick to them…the faster you make yourself plan A…the faster you will be free of this. Whether he changes enough for you to allow him to be with you is up to you. If he leaves, you are losing an emotionally abusive liar - despite all the good times you had - I had them with my WH too. But the past is not the present. Clinging to the old times unfortunately does not make what you now know go away. If he does not fight for you - do what you need for you.

You are the prize. And if your WH is like mine he won’t like hearing that from you - and he will protest and get angry and defensive and clam up and try to get you to stop - too bad for him really. You have to take control and look out for yourself. And you can do it. I certainly wish it didn’t take me years to figure that out.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:09 AM, Monday, September 1st]

Also I spent way too much time trying to figure out how much more there was (hint - there was a lot more). Why did I do that? I mean how much was "too much"? Sexting. Sex (having stealth with both I think the sexting and the naked shared pics was actually worse in the long run as it was so prolific) emotional sharing? Does it need to be more?

The continual lying? I wrote a post to Missmee today which says a lot of similar things. And please I do not mean to sound so straightforward and emotionless about all of this. I went though a horrible workplace A that destroyed two marriages and piles of friendships and was financially ugly as well and almost cost me my own career nevetheless my sanity. It was over two years of wholesale hell like I’ve never experienced before or since and I think you’re just in the beginning of it.

People on here always want to know how to make it stop. How to feel better. And the only way to speed up that timeline is to stop allowing it to continue. If your WS isn’t willing to apologize. Isn’t giving you answers you are okay with, get away from them. What they do afterwards is the part that matters so waiting for that to happen isn’t going to make it happen in a better or easier way. You can rug sweep - which is what I sort of did after d-day 1. Seeing as I had a d-day 2 (meaning affair went underground and Wh pretended everything was fine) shows how well that worked out.

It’s scary initially but taking control will change you for the better. He is NOT worth sacrificing yourself for. Trust me. I don’t know you at all but I am certiain of that. Why? Because no one is worth that kind of suffering. I am not the same person I was before. I am stronger and much more self assured. Crazy but true. (And WH and I still date which is a whole other story). You can get to the other side if this with or without him and you will. The fastest way to that is to take control now. I promise.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 6:56 PM, Sunday, August 31st]

I'm so sorry Bluefairy and Missmee. SO many people are going through this hell and the stories are often similar because humans are similar. My own view is, unless it's something contained like a drunken ONS, or maybe ONLY chatting up online (with nothing else), I tend to think the best idea, if possible, in the short term, is physical separation if you can arrange it. I think it's very hard to get personal calmness and clarity about your spouse without a significant distance between you both to calm down and to start making assessments and getting the info and advice you need from lawyers, IC, or others. How can you have the calmness and peace of mind to figure something out with the problem sitting right down in front of you, or lying to you, or fighting with you. So, if possible, I would try arrange a physical separation for some period of time, perhaps he can go live with relatives or friends or whatever. It also gives you both a chance to see what divorce will eventually look like in a real sense, as well as putting up conditions and consequences for an unfaithful spouse. Things can't just go on like they have been.

Both of you should be talking to lawyers at this point to find out what divorce would look like for you, and what your legal rights are, and probably IC if you can. Not everyone can do the ideal thing, of course. There are also techniques like grey rock and the 180, no doubt described on this site (I haven't looked myself), which would undoubtedly help defuse the emotions as well. What you're both going through is devastating, I hope these ideas help to give you some ideas or choices of how to handle it right now. I would not rush into recon just because of having kids or financial issues because that's usually just rug sweeping, at least on the WS' side. You can't trust it. There's often a real rush to try to re-establish normalcy but....that's not really going to happen, it's just putting a sheet over the damage. At some point you have to deal with the actual damage, that's why I advise getting active to some degree NOW. You also have to think about what you DO and DON'T want in your marriage, any marriage to anyone, and set your conditions and limits. I think this is easier to do during separation.

[This message edited by BondJaneBond at 7:06 PM, Sunday, August 31st]

Took my WW a year to find a new job. When it happened I felt almost euphoric.

A few weeks later and I’m closer to divorce than I’ve ever been. Because of a recent event that looks a lot like DDay #2.

Not sure what I could’ve done differently over this last year that would’ve made a difference.

I think people either have it in them to be better, or they don’t. Doesn’t mean they’re bad, doesn’t mean they’re not either. But I think there’s often a lot of childhood trauma that makes people what they are, and not everyone has the ability to improve, at least not on the timetable we want or need.

Anyway, my advice to you (based on my own horrible circumstance) is to figure out how much patience is too much, and then create a plan for yourself (a kind of break glass if out of patience failsafe). Because no one deserves to be cheated on.

Thank you so much for all your replies I appreciate you all. Im sorry you have all gone through this horribleness. Missmee sending love and hugs to you, and to all

Thisissolonely - I totally get what you are saying and understand. You are spot on.

Its still extremely early days here and so hard for me. I feel detached and just in some kind of denial that its actually happened despite me being suspicious for weeks .

We have just been apart 2 weeks as I went away with my mum and boys and it was difficult but was good to get away and really think about things. Definitely not rug sweeping here and he knows it.

He has blocked and cut her off on all platforms and sent her a message saying I know, defending us and saying it was a silly mistake and showed it being read. So I know shes seen it.

He is still at the place of work but that may be changing soon.

Its going to be an extremely long road for me if we decide to fully reconcile.im reading all the info on here for support xx

[This message edited by Bluefairy at 7:59 PM, Tuesday, September 2nd]

If I simply look at the timeline:
You registered in November 24. What made you feel a need to search for an infidelity recovery forum, read here and then post? Something was happening at that time that gave you concern.

In March you raise concerns, and order the book NJF. Did he read it? He was aware of your concerns.

Now he insists the affair started a month ago... This despite your previously voiced concerns. If anything this is worse than if it had started way back in November. It’s such a total disregard for your warnings and requests.

Friend – There is more to this. To have a chance at reconciling you need the total truth.

I registered in november because of my insecurity with him with a couple of previous things (nothing like now )

It all started around March time my suspicions with this AP and her potentially chasing him.

I think in May time they were chatting seperately definately as my posts mention.

I definately think he's not telling me everything properly but is adamant he is.

Hes following the script that so many do :(

Hes saying their chatting ramped up in July after normal chatting for a while, that they've always got on and she pursued him, then it became EA territory and he said hes told her we weren't getting on, usual crap,then lines were crossed in July. And in one message only, photos sent one night (one each) then instant regret by him, very guilty and he told her to leave him alone. And she carried on trying to get in touch with him. Around this time is when I found out.

Ive asked and asked and tried to catch him out and hes sworn that's all it was but is admitting EA.

The hugest issue for me is that he could of just said no, told her to back off and defended our marriage, this is what hurts the most, he made that choice to do it with a woman I already had an issue with

[This message edited by Bluefairy at 8:39 PM, Wednesday, September 3rd]